Chuck Norris Jokes

[Guest]

When Chuck Norris is being attacked by two men, one to his left and another to his right, he would kill both the men with only one bullet by shooting it and throwing a knife at the bullet which eventually splits the bullet into two and the left half of the bullet knocks off the man on the left and the right half of the bullet kills the man on his right! Only Chuck Norris can do this!

[Guest]

I got one

If you search Chuck Norris on Google, Google will say "Google can not find Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris will find you"

[Guest]

I got one

If you search Chuck Norris on Google, Google will say "Google can not find Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris will find you"

This is actually what happens.

[Guest]

Chuck Norris can kill a man with his own corpse.

Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land.

EDIT: Other fact.

Edited June 22, 2010 by filly678

[Guest]

Chuck Norris is so tough, he can't even kick his own a**.

[Guest]

Chuck Norris is on the way here to roundhouse kick this whole thread, because it should have been named "Chuck Norris Facts" not "Chuck Norris Jokes".

Chuck Norris never JOKES

Edited July 5, 2010 by Gladson

[OmegaScales]

Chuck Norris vs. an infinite amount of people. That is unfair.

For the infinite amount of people.

[OmegaScales]

One day, a long time ago, Chuck Norris got bored and went to the flourishing planet of Mars...

If Chuck Norris had a son, we would all be dead by now.

Scientists recently found a gene for having fear because Chuck Norris said he didn't have that gene.

If aliens invaded Earth, Chuck Norris approved it.

"Daddy, daddy! Chuck Norris is behind you!" "No, that's just a cardboard cutout." "Daddy, how come you're talking when your head is cut off?"

I asked permission to publish some facts on Chuck Norris, but he thought I was a talking cockroach.

Chuck Norris told me not to tell you that...

Why would I tell you if he said not to? You're crazy.

[Guest]

Chuck Norris can bend bars, bartender and drinks included

[Guest]

Chuck Norris’ computer does not have a ‘sleep’ mode, because not even a computer is foolish enough to close it’s eyes around Chuck Norris.

[Guest]

Chuck norris can bend a note on an open string (guitar joke)

[TheCube]

I searched Chuck Norris on Google and my computer exploded.

Chuck Norris vs. Chuck Norris! They both lose because they both get their butts kicked.

[Guest]

Chuck Norris wiped out 15 roman legions using his left pinkie

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird, didn't know you could kill stones? neither did the stones

The US government once tried to clone Chuck Norris but failed, we now have steven segal

[Guest]

Chuck Norris' character is called Walker because he never needs to run and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.

Chuck Norris can speak in cursive

Chuck Norris is mad because the Big Bang woke him up from his nap. He takes out his anger on humans now because their there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the a**, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*** down

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a**, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s s***.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks a** until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When you open a can of whoop-a**, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split

open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't f***ing think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living s*** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was

a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the s*** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[flamebirde]

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is very gentle, it is all the hype that psychologically makes the hit so painful.

[Guest]

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Woah... rage issues much?

Also, way to copy and paste a website.

Everyone knows that NPH jokes are better (Neil Patrick Harris).

A: Did you know NPH isn't really gay

B: What? Really?

A: Yeah, he just ran out of women to sleep with.

[Molly Mae]

Woah... rage issues much?

Also, way to copy and paste a website.

Everyone knows that NPH jokes are better (Neil Patrick Harris).

A: Did you know NPH isn't really gay

B: What? Really?

A: Yeah, he just ran out of women to sleep with.

That's awesome. I <3 NPH.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, you both have the same amount of money.

[Guest]

Chuck norris doesnt do push ups . he pushes the ground below him then pulls it a bit

[Guest]

Chuck Norris was in the bible. He went under the code name "Jesus".

[Hidden G]

for Rookie : Chuck Norris Jokes in miscellaneous ,Jokes

[TheCube]

Chuck Norris can do this with 1/2 a finger

[flamebirde]

are you kidding? he can do that without a keyboard, strapped to a bomb that goes of in a second underwater chained to the ground and surrounded by volcanoes that are about to go off.

[Poul]

Joke #1:

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Joke #2:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits

Joke #3:

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Joke #4:

Chuck Norris once killed a man 3 hours before the fight broke out.

Joke #5:

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

[Poul]

Joke #6:

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Joke #7:

Bigfoot thinks Chuck Norris is a myth.

Joke #8:

Chuck Norris knows Victorias Secret.

Joke #9:

You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.

Joke #10:

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room, the bears not dead it's just afraid to move.

[joef1000]

Chuck Norris' keyboard has two buttons: 0 and 1

Chuck Norris' computer can solve the halting problem

Chuck Norris has counted to aleph one. Twice.

Chuck Norris can count the real numbers

Chuck Norris knows all of pi

Chuck Norris's computer never crashes because it is afraid to

Chuck Norris doesn't need antivirus, viruses are afraid to enter his computer

Chuck Norris can type sudo rm -rf / --no-preserve-root without crashing his computer

When Chuck Norris uses sudo, there are less privileges

Chuck Norris can delete system32 without his computer crashing

Chuck Norris's computer can execute an infinite loop in 2 seconds

Chuck Norris catch 'em all, shiny

Chuck Norris can go back in time, kill his grandfather, and still live

Chuck Norris can run Windows fast

Chuck Norris can see the source code of all binaries

Chuck Norris can break a one time pad

Chuck Norris can decrypt RSA with a public key

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Linus Torvalds live in constant fear that Chuck Norris' computer will crash

Chuck Norris can construct a set of all sets that don't contain themselves

Global Warming exists because Chuck Norris turned the sun up