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Chuck Norris Jokes


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So, how many Chuck Norris jokes are there? One, the rest are true. The guy who told the one joke is now the girl who combs Chuck's hair before Walker and she is pregnant with Chuck's Baby which he'll eat while kicking the doctor in the face to hear him cry. I hear the baby will be named "snack"

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When Chuck Norris does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. He can't feel a difference, but he thinks softer clothes helps him blend in with mortals.

Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole bunch of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."

In the beginning, Chuck Norris told God to make him something to play with and gave Him a seven day deadline.

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.

What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and a pair of cowboy boots? A roundhouse kick to the forehead... don't ever cross Chuck Norris.

George W. Bush wanted to nominate Chuck Norris for Supreme Court Chief Justice but the Separation of Powers called for by the Constitution doesn't allow that if the person is already this country's main Instrument of Justice.

Chuck Norris' advice? Grow a beard.

Chuck Norris is neither male nor female, his gender is in fact, Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were to eat a snake, lion and a eagle he would poop out a griffin.

Chuck Norris hates ballerinas because they twirl all day and not a single person gets roundhouse kicked in the face.

If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tattoo of an identical beard underneath.

When Chuck Norris is feeling bored, he shreds on the guitar. When Chuck Norris is feeling happy, he shreds people.

Chuck Norris can dig half a hole.

Chuck Norris' beard has natives.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' a**. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has also never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.

When you open a can of whoop-a**, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

Black holes don't bend space-time, they merely reflect the places where Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked space-time.

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette and gave the tobacco cancer.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

It has been said that using only a shoelace, three coconuts and a wedge of cheese, Chuck Norris can bring forth the apocalypse.

Chuck Norris and the Dalai Lama combined to become the perfect human being, and the Dalai Lama.

Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. More people are killed by Chuck Norris than by donkeys.

Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords, one red and one blue. The bomb squad cut the wrong one.

The sound of thunder during storms is actually Chuck Norris doing practicing karate in the rain.

Chuck Norris once took 12 NoDoz pills and then slept for 48 straight hours, just to prove a point.

The weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were actually Saddam's attempt to clone Chuck Norris. President Bush would not allow Walker Iraqi Ranger; the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

Crayola created a Chuck Norris colored crayon. No matter what you do on a piece of paper, a picture of Chuck giving you the thumbs up appears.

Chuck Norris always throws rock, if you throw paper you get his rock in your face.

Chuck Norris once visited Canada to find a wife. As a result, every man women and child born in Canada now has a beard.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris is Captain Planet without the "Heart."

Chuck Norris shot Bon Jovi in the heart for giving love a bad name.

Chuck Norris got hungry and walked into Burger King. When he walked out, the place was just Burger, and he was the King.

Chuck Norris' beard is the Seventh Wonder of the Ancient World. It destroyed the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and took its rightful place.

When Chuck Norris clicks on the "Win a FREE iPod!" ads, Chuck Norris wins.

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^Thread :o BUMP^

When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.

If you shoot Chuck Norris, you'll only make him angry. (obviously)

Chuck Norris once won the gold, silver, and bronze medal at a single Olympic event.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

We are all but figments of Chuck Norris's imagination.

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.

Chuck Norris can catch the Gingerbread Man.

Chuck Norris dares you to sing the song "The Name Game" using the name "Chuck". Go ahead. Just try it.

Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team'

Chuck Norris fishes by cutting himself and then jumping into shark-infested waters.

It is common knowledge that Chuck Norris can remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside of his mouth. He can also remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside someone else's mouth with a well placed roundhouse kick.

The great Chicago fire of 1871 was not in fact started by Mrs. O'Leary's cow. The fire was started by Chuck Norris when he discovered that deep dish pizza had not yet been invented.

The fight scenes in movies Chuck Norris is in are fake, but the people he fights get severely or fatally hurt anyways.

Chuck Norris donates all proceeds from the Total Gym to his Children Without Beards organization.

Chuck Norris only allows churches to exist in order to stop people from coming and praying at his house.

Part of the reason Chuck Norris can kick so many people in the face before they block it is because his shadow holds them by the balls.

Chuck Norris has neither run across an unstoppable force nor an immovable object.

Chuck Norris invented fire, by roundhouse kicking two people together at an incredibly fast rate.

Chuck Norris killed the radio star. Video better stop taking credit for it if it knows what's good for it.

If you look at Chuck Norris's bare back you can see a Surgeon General's Warning against the use of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to jump around in the shower to get wet because the water is afraid of him.

Killing Me Softly was written by someone who witnessed a pi$$ed off Chuck Norris who had just gotten up that morning and somehow had some undersized bunny slippers stuck on his feet. It was bad.

The show "Fear Factor" is based on things Chuck Norris has does when he is bored.

When Chuck Norris farts, everyone within a two mile radius gets third degree burns.

Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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If An episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” ended your life.

Then the reasons range from calling the episode lame, to something as little as laughing at the wrong time. In fact, I'm pretty sure that anything other than having it change your life is grounds for death. :P

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Ok I have never really been a big fan of Chuck but I did love the movie “Way of the dragon”. He made Bruce Look good. :lol:

One last Chuck joke…

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Chuck naked. :D

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Lighting never strikes in the same spot twice because it fears Chuck Norris will find it

Alarm clocks are too scared to wake up Chuck Norris

Don't know why, but I like these 2. :D

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If you bite Chuck Norris he doesn't get teeth marks, your teeth get Chuck Norris marks

Who the heck would be stupid enough to do that?

How would they get their mouth past his foot?

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Chuck Norris uses his beard to sharpen his pencil, that is when he's not using the blood of his victims to write.

Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

The Little Engine That Could couldn't until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it up the hill.

Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.

It is said that Chuck Norris' fists have the ability to turn Rosie O'Donnel straight. Too bad even he won't touch her with a 10ft pole.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris' beard was the inspiration for the Swiss Army Knife.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about gas prices because Chuck Norris' car doesn't need gas to run. Chuck justs gets in his car and tells it to run.

Chuck Norris invented puppies.

The Chernobyl incident of 1986 was not actually caused by the reactor's flawed design, but rather the duce Chuck Norris dropped in the reactor's public rest room after a late night of drinking and hot sauce chugging.

Chuck Norris invented the haircare product "Just For Men". He later removed it from the stores and now makes it "Just for Chuck Norris". If you ask him to share his product, he will... you know.

Chuck Norris invented the Internet; not Al Gore. In fact, he got a roundhouse kick in the testicles for saying that he did.

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same time. Coincidence?

The truth about Osama Bin Laden is that he is actually hiding from Chuck Norris. You would too if you called him Charles.

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What a second. Chuck Norris isn't REALLY real, is he? He's just a story you tell kids to scare them into being good? Right? Isn't he? ISN'T HE?? Uh Oh . . .

::looks over left shoulder::


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What a second. Chuck Norris isn't REALLY real, is he? He's just a story you tell kids to scare them into being good? Right? Isn't he? ISN'T HE?? Uh Oh . . .

::looks over left shoulder::


sorry to say, but due to his ignorance...we will not be seeing nelantiralae for awhile -_- yes, Chuck Norris is REAL, why else would we say all these things? ;)

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If there was a fight between a wild-but-spotted leopard and Chuck Norris, who would win?

*explodes in agony just thinking about it*

But Chuck Norris is the wild-but-spotless leopard.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity- twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The Great Wall of China was originally invented to keep Chuck Norris out.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th, even though it wasn't Jesus's birthday. Jesus was too scared to make a correction and to this day, December 25th is Jesus's birthday.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you need to see Chuck Norris's list of enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If Superman and Flash were to race to the ends of the world, Chuck Norris would win.

Chuck Norris deletes the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris doesn't use spell-check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actuall spelling.

Chuck Norris's calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't get up the courage to tell him.

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When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can write backwards.... with his left foot..... .... without a pen.... or paper... whilst upside-down.

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris's IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide zero by zero.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Chuck Norris half an hour to watch 60 Minutes.

Edited by lemonymelon
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THAT IS sooooooooooooooo cool

actually i've just realised it isn't that cool because it's not done by google

actually it's mildly cool

Edited by lemonymelon
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