Chuck Norris Jokes

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here are some chuck norris jokes

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit

Chuck Norris plans to assisinate four other civil rights leaders just to get an entire week off in February

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Got some more tell em'

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I have created a google gadget with my favorite Chuck Norris facts (about 300) ... check out this topic where the link to the gadget is

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I got a few,

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris' doesnt wet, water gets Chuck Norris.

When the boogey man goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

On Chuck Norris' computer there is no "CTRL" button, Chuck Norris is always in control.

When you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, your only a few seconds away from death. :D

Eagle Out.

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I got a few,

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris' doesnt wet, water gets Chuck Norris.

When the boogey man goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

On Chuck Norris' computer there is no "CTRL" button, Chuck Norris is always in control.

When you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, your only a few seconds away from death. :D

Eagle Out.

good ones

When you misspell Chuck Norris on google it doesn't tell you how to spell it it simply replies "Run while you still have the chance"

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when chuck norris was 5 his left testicle was cut off. You may know it as its technechal term Jupiter

Chuck Norris doesnt write books the words assemble out of fear.

chuck norris ordered a big mac at Burger King and got it.

Chuck norris once kicked a horse in the chin ,now its called a girrafe.

i got more later if you like im out.

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At least some of these are new to the forum:

Chuck Norris wrote half of these facts, he likes his fans to be informed

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies

A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man's eyesight, unfortunately he lost it again due to an instant roundhouse kick to the head

Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to arm wrestle... that person is now known as Captain Hook.

The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night.

Chuck Norris only once took a dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest

The Bible used to be called Chuck Norris and Friends.

According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!

There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking you in the face.

Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of those he has conquered.

Once on the filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a stunt man, his foot went so fast that it traveled back in time and kicked Amelia Earnhart in the head on her last voyage.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There are no bombs, chuck norris just jumps out of a hellicopter and punches the ground.

When Chuck Norris pees, he clogs the toilet.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and the CHUCK NORRIS SIDE (always right and always in CAPS).

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent in the back hills of Omaha, nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional history.

Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company, the company field tested it and it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.

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One time chuck norris had sex in an semi-truck and some how a little bit of sperm got in the engine...

you now know this Semi-truck as Optimis Prime

:lol:

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One time chuck norris had sex in an semi-truck and some how a little bit of sperm got in the engine...

you now know this Semi-truck as Optimis Prime

:lol:

:huh: I git this a little...

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here are some Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. :o

Kids can pee their names into snow, Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete. :P

Chuck Norris can drown a fish. :wacko:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for good looks and super roundhouse kicking ability. Right after the transaction, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil and took his soul back. The Devil appreciating irony laughed and said "I should have seen that coming." They now play poker every other Wednesday. :lol:

Not all the people Chuck Norris meet get killed, some get away. These people are called astronauts. B))

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spartans previously known as 300

post-2-1212066388_thumbjpg

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spartans previously known as 300

post-2-1212066388_thumbjpg

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :lol::lol:

that is the funniest one i have seen :lol:

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spartans previously known as 300

post-2-1212066388_thumbjpg

Wow! That's funny right der'ah :lol: :lol:

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omg those were funny! :lol::lol: :lol:

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If at first you don't succeed, then you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

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When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the real reason Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race.

Chuck Norris was supposed to have a twin brother but he did not survive Chuck's nine month practice of floating roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris has never kicked anyone's a** because the mere sight of him makes you kick your own a**

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

When God sneezes, angels say "Chuck Norris bless you"

Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. But they couldn't get enough footage because he kept killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the Islands.

Chuck Norris has 2 speeds...Walk and Kill.

Mr. T, Arnold Schwarzeneger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest Action Stars the world has ever known and I have a place for the best one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be."

Mr. T steps forward and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell.

Arnold steps up and says "I was in Predator, Commando, and The Terminator. You must choose the Governator!" God tells him it wasn't good enough and sends Arnold to hell.

God then turns to Chuck Norris and asks "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and says "Get out of my seat while I'm still in a good mood."

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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the Islands.

Did he visit Lesbos as well?

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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the Islands.

I like this one...it's really funny :lol: yes, I do git it..uh, the joke anyway;)

Mr. T, Arnold Schwarzeneger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have call you three here because you are the greatest Action Stars the world has ever known and I have a place for the best one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be."

Mr. T steps forward and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell.

Arnold steps up and says "I was in Predator, Commando, and The Terminator. You must choose the Governator!" God tells him it wasn't good enough and sends Arnold to hell.

God then turns to Chuck Norris and asks "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and says "Get out of my seat while I'm still in a good mood."

I like this one too :lol:

Ya know Chuck Norris jokes r always funny :D:lol:

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Did he visit Lesbos as well?

Yeah, it's now one of the biggest straits in the world ;)

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Yeah, it's now one of the biggest straits in the world ;)
He he! - 5* answer
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Yeah, it's now one of the biggest straits in the world ;)

Excellent :lol: , I gotta write that one down.

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Yeah, it's now one of the biggest straits in the world ;)

:huh: "Lesbos"?...means women who like each other? uh... :huh:

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:huh: "Lesbos"?...means women who like each other? uh... :huh:
It's a Greek Island in the Aegean sea, if you are born there you are a lesbian (men as well) - the poet Sappho was born there she wrote a vast amount of poetry and quite a bit out infatuation of other woman and general homo-erotica. Songs were written about her - Lesbian came to a different use due to this. She may have been bisexual, her works are considered to be somewhat personal. She may have been an early feminist.
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It's a Greek Island in the Aegean sea, if you are born there you are a lesbian (men as well) - the poet Sappho was born there she wrote a vast amount of poetry and quite a bit out infatuation of other woman and general homo-erotica. Songs were written about her - Lesbian came to a different use due to this. She may have been bisexual, her works are considered to be somewhat personal. She may have been an early feminist.

:huh: ....ohh!! I git it :lol:;)

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When God said, "Let there be Light." Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

If by some miracle of nature two parallel universes were to join, and Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, they would both win.

Everyone knows the magic word is "Please." As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

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Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

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