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What happens in quantum statistical thermodynamics stays in quantum statistical thermodynamics...b/c no one else cares.

Out of the frying pan and on to the floor. Back into the frying pan, let hope none of the guests saw.

Whoa!! Potential bacon in earshot!

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If I were you, I would acquire for myself one large oak tree and one length of rope of sufficient length to create a proper noose whilst retaining such a length to secure the free end to a sturdy branch of aforementioned oak tree but not so much length as to prevent me from properly hanging myself.

EDIT:

If I were you, then this bill would be bull...

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I was totally confused (which I blame on a lack of sleep, as I have not slept this day) when I read yours. After I typed mine up and saw the thread again, I realised that you capitalised on my original idea of literal letters. I couldn't think of a good way to fit it. *Thumbs-up*

EDIT2:

Which brings me to my secondary (and non-scored) submission:

If I were you, you'd be a duck.

Edited by Molly Mae
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If I were you, I would be a part of a strange time-space paradox in which it would be impossible for me to be you, but rather me to be me and you not to be at all, unless you were me in which case you would still be you, regardless.

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