Chuck Norris Jokes

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Chuck Norris will never die. He is the reincarnation of dead Buddhists pent up rage

Chuck Norris will die December 23, 2012.

Aren't those kinda contraditory? :huh:

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Aren't those kinda contraditory? :huh:

yeah! And it's from the same person! hmm....time to bust out Nancy Drew *duh...duh....DUH* ;):D

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Aren't those kinda contraditory? :huh:

I was thinking the same thing at first, but then Chuck whispered in my ear...

"I have arranged for another man named Chuck Norris will die December 23, 2012. This will prompt Satan to come out of hiding and to earth to begin the "end of days" in my absence. Of course, that is when I will show up and whip his @$$ again, just for fun."

He then promptly round housed me into unconsciousness for viewing it as contradictory. When I awoke I was unsure if what had happened was real, or if I had just dreamed it. Then I looked in the mirror next to me and noticed that half my face was missing. Praise be to Chuck :P

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Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.

Chuck Norris entered the Matrix, now Neo is known as 'The Two'

Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.

There is a fist behind Chuck Norris' beard.

Chuck Norris is really dead, the Grim Reaper is just afraid to tell him.

When Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down.

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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.

That one made me laugh. :lol:

I just laughed again looking at my own post.

Edited by Prof. Templeton
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Chuck Norris can wear gloves over mittens

Chuck Norris catches colds... and roundhouse kicks them into testosterone

Chuck Norris raises the best plants in the world, not because he talks to them, but because he threatens them and makes examples out of the weak ones.

When Chuck Norris opened the Arc of the Covenant, all the spirits' faces melted and he filled it with cans of Budweiser and went to the beach.

Chuck Norris once scaled the Empire State Building. When the helicopters started firing at him he simply threw King Kong at them and they backed off

Lately, Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the Gulf of Mexico

When you're on fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When you're on Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party, because he assumes every room he walks into is an ambush.

Chuck Norris can kick start anything.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down... forever

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap and then light an empty parking lot on fire.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. This is the only known incident of him roundhouse kicking someone twice. Of course the man was dead before the first one even hit.

Chuck Norris can give a round of applause with one hand.

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This is the best .....spent 3 hours laughing here. Some of the best CN jokes , all of you are very imaginative.

....gonna take about 3 beers to come down from the laughing.

k, i have one to contribute......

Chuck Norris roundhousekicked Hurricane Ike; and Ike is now spinning clockwise.

thanks for an evening of snickers, laffs, hilarity, intelligence and GUFFAWS !!

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Chuck Norris can win a race sleeping

Chuck Norris can survive death

those're two that I came up with.

The first one came from a tour in some zoo in San Diego, the guy was telling us that the cheetas in there could go 70 mph, I said that Chuck Norris can sleep faster than that.

The second one just... popped up. :D

Here's one I didn't come up with

Once, Chuck Norris took a urine test, and the doctors told him he tested positive for steroids. Chuck Norris laughed and said "What do you think steroids are made of?"

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The closest any actual human can even approximate the CNRHK, is to have 5 lightning rods sticking out of his butt. Lightning would have to strike all 5 at the precise moment of the roundhouse. This could only ever be done once, of course.

Chuck Norris won the Jackpot at Bingo, with O 237

Google lives in fear, that Chuck Norris might be "feeling Lucky' one of these days.

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I met Chuck one time, and threw him around like a rag-doll!

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Chuck Norris can wear gloves over mittens

Chuck Norris catches colds... and roundhouse kicks them into testosterone

Chuck Norris raises the best plants in the world, not because he talks to them, but because he threatens them and makes examples out of the weak ones.

When Chuck Norris opened the Arc of the Covenant, all the spirits' faces melted and he filled it with cans of Budweiser and went to the beach.

Chuck Norris once scaled the Empire State Building. When the helicopters started firing at him he simply threw King Kong at them and they backed off

Lately, Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the Gulf of Mexico

When you're on fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When you're on Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party, because he assumes every room he walks into is an ambush.

Chuck Norris can kick start anything.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down... forever

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap and then light an empty parking lot on fire.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. This is the only known incident of him roundhouse kicking someone twice. Of course the man was dead before the first one even hit.

Chuck Norris can give a round of applause with one hand.

ahahahahahaha!!! :D

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I met Chuck one time, and threw him around like a rag-doll!

That's what he wants you to believe because the reality of that confrontation would explode your mind.

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Chuck Norris *invented* Mafia.

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One man has made a 'joke' about Chuck Norris, it was Chuck Norris. He roundhouse kicked himself because no one, not even Chuck Norris makes fun of Chuck Norris.

If you say 'Chuck Norris' 5 times in the mirror your doorbell will ring and you'll get a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't pass on chain-letters that claim "Someone will kill you while you sleep" because Chuck Norris doesn't sleep!

George Orwell's 'Nineteen eighty-four' originally had Chuck Norris as the main protaganist but the book was only two lines long. Introducing Chuck and Big Brother, then the Roundhouse kicked that ensued.

I was going to join the religion of 'Chuck Norris' but he implied that a religion would involve people not believing in him. He incidentally roundhouse kicked me for thinking up such a stupid idea.

The film 'Armageddon' was based on a true story of when Chuck Norris skimmed a stone across the rings of Saturn. The only difference between the movie and real life is that Chuck Norris didn't round house kick the asteroid (or the movie's director) in the movie.

Just made all those up, well at least I think I did. Apologies if you have read any before.

Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked me as I only put one 'r' in his second name, even though I changed it a split second later.

I just received another for only putting his first name as I tried to thank him for the priviledge that is a CHRHK. :D

Chuck Norris for president of Earth.

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A couple of my (hopefully) original ones:

Chuck Norris can hit Through the Fire and Flames 100% on Guitar Hero 3. Without a guitar.

Chuck Norris plays Guitar Hero with a wooden spoon and a 3 x 5 index card. He gets 100% on very song without having to look at the screen. The only time he looks is to blink, which turns on his Chuck Norris specialized Star Power. It gives 10x the points that anyone else could possibly get from any song for every millisecond that Chuck Norris spends playing the song.

If you attempt to search "Chuck Norris fails" in the Google search bar, your computer will wipe your entire hard drive and slap you across the face for even believing something so blasphemous could be remotely possible. You will then die of a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, who never fails.

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Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He destroys chairs, bedframes, sidewalks and stairs.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is Chuck Norris' birth name.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris' home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with 'liquid nitrogen and lava'.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris only bowed his head once: to plant the seed of life on Earth.

Chuck Norris invented the car in order to give his victims the impression they could escape him.

When Chuck Norris heard about God, he thought: "I'll let the kid play for a while."

Chuck Norris' character is called Walker because he never needs to run and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. Seven to eight stunt doubles still die each day on the set.

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How long does Chuck Noris exist? No one know.

But Chuck Noris had once kicked a giraffe into the mouth of a snake. Since then we call the snake - Brontosaurus.

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Chuck Norris can swim through earth

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Chuck Norris Can Believe It's not Butter

Chuck Norris can eat One Lays Potato Chip

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits

Chuck Norris once brought a lamb back to life by stroking it with his beard, he then proceded to roundhouse kick it to death, when asked why he simply said, "The good Chuck givith, and the good Chuck taketh away"

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

If ever, Chuck Norris's Round House kick misses you, the air coming in behind it will disimbowel you.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer, a bit of him got into the engine. We now know this trailer as Optomis Prime.

Edit: 200!!!

Edited by RainThinker
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I love chuck norris jokes, but some of the dirty ones be kinda creepy.

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Can turn on any defective or broken appliance... and any woman

Chuck Norris isn't mortal, but all mortals wish they were Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris creates tsunamis when he looks at the water

When you are happy, Chuck Norris is letting you

20% percent of the world's population is directly related to Chuck Norris. The other 80% is directly related to Chuck Norris

Clap-on lights clap for Chuck Norris

In the beginning, there was Chuck Norris. He got bored so he made God

If Chuck Norris ever lost, you would

Chuck Norris never gets his butt kicked because his diamond-plutonium- alone could kick your butt in 0.0 seconds

IF Chuck Norris blinked.

Chuck Norris doesn't scare people, he scares them into scaring themselves

Chuck Norris once killed a man. From that day on, he vowed to kill no more people except the ones he wanted to kill

Everything good about a god is amplified in Chuck Norris by Chuckillion... EVERYTHING! (Chuckillion is one million followed by Chuckillion zeros)

The phrase "Chuck Norris" is an understatement

Why do Chuck Norris Jokes Rock? They're not jokes

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Chuck Norris is the reason Obama won.

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All sentences in green I made up :)

Every cell in Chuck Norris' body has its own beard.

The movie Anaconda, was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris doesnt pay for anything, the items sell themselves to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest mineral.

If Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 320 yards, Chuck Norris can drive Tiger 1000 yds.

The book of Guiness World Records is a documentary of Chuck Norris' workout plan.

No one knows how much Chuck Norris weighs, because if he stepped on a scale it would explode.

Chuck Norris invented gravity when he was tired of floating around.

When the Japanese bombed Chuck Norris, Japan exploded.

Chuck Norris put the Nazi's in concentration camps.

The Flame Thrower was invented after someone witnessed Chuck Norris farting.

The Great Wall of China is said to be seen from space. Space can be seen from Chuck Norris

These were actually easier than I thought to make up...I hope you guys liked them. :)

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All sentences in green I made up :)

Every cell in Chuck Norris' body has its own beard.

The movie Anaconda, was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris doesnt pay for anything, the items sell themselves to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest mineral.

If Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 320 yards, Chuck Norris can drive Tiger 1000 yds.

The book of Guiness World records is a documentary of Chuck Norris' workout plan.

No one knows how much Chuck Norris weighs, because if he stepped on a scale it would explode.

Chuck Norris invented gravity when he was tired of floating around.

When the Japanese bombed Chuck Norris, Japan exploded.

Chuck Norris put the Nazi's in concentration camps.

The Flame Thrower was invented after someone witnessed Chuck Norris farting.

The Great Wall of China is said to be seen from space. Space can be seen from Chuck Norris

These were actually easier than I thought to make up...I hope you guys liked them. :)

lol those are great, Jrod! i particularly liked the book of world records one :lol:

Edited by lemonymelon
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If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

I found these, and I think they are the best ones...

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