[itachi-san]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do splits?"

He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Fridays".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

When I saw a ship load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, "Get out, we don't want your type in here".

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Guest]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken!

[Guest]

A guy walks into a bar....Ow.

Two guys walk into a bar..I thought one of em would have seen it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

[Guest]

A thousand times I rolled my eyes, A billion times the brain told me that I couldn't real eyes

Realise, Real lies, True lies, Real eyes

[Guest]

An old lady walked out of her house with her purse open. Why?

The TV said there was going to be change in the weather.

Edited September 13, 2008 by 4wheelchick

[Guest]

what kind of sugar do you find in an unconscious dude?

Comatose

(yes its bad, but i came up with it after a biology lesson on simple sugars......)

[Izzy]

Title: The Enchanted Forest

Written by: Teresa Green

Oh man, no joke, that was one of my teacher's names two years ago. But it was pronounced differently.

[Guest]

I didn't burn the carpet: that's just steam

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

[unreality]

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners: he was the man and he got no respect!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I leave.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my old man I was tired of running in circles, so he tied my other foot to the floor.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have three kids, one of each.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

pure hilarity

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

hehehe

[itachi-san]

Waiter: I've got stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's legs.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"

Waiter instructs the cook: "Two cups of tea, with one in a clean cup."

Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies"

Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction!!"

really corny ahead: be warned

Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?

A: Lettuce pray

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?

A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: Why can't blonds make ice cubes?

A: They forget the recipe

Q: Why did the blond think staring at the OJ would help?

A: It said concentrate

Q: Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?

A: Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March.

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exam?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything, I swear.

[Guest]

Q: Why can't blonds make ice cubes?

A: They forget the recipe

I swear even they have recipe they still can't make it. Why?

A: They don't have any toaster or oven.

[Guest]

Q: Why did the blond think staring at the OJ would help?

A: It said concentrate

<_< already posted...but since the rest of your posts are truly-corny...I'' let ya off

[Guest]

two men were sitting in a dark club and feeling happy..... then suddenly happy got up and left.

[itachi-san]

A man answers his cell while driving on the highway.

wife: Honey, I just saw the News and there's a crazy driver going the wrong way down the highway! Be careful!

husband: It's not just one, Sweetie! There's hundreds of em!

[Guest]

A man answers his cell while driving on the highway.

wife: Honey, I just saw the News and there's a crazy driver going the wrong way down the highway! Be careful!

husband: It's not just one, Sweetie! There's hundreds of em!

[akaslickster]

What do you get, when you use the shower?

Water.

[Mekal]

A man answers his cell while driving on the highway.

wife: Honey, I just saw the News and there's a crazy driver going the wrong way down the highway! Be careful!

husband: It's not just one, Sweetie! There's hundreds of em!

LOL

I REALLY wanted to be at the pitch meeting for this Dora the Explorer song...

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map,

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map,

I'M THE MAP!!!

And which character would be singing this?

-excerpt from Brian Regan

[Guest]

This is one wonderful Thread. I read the entire thing.

Shop Owner: Is your advertising getting results?

Peter: Best ever. Last week we advertised for a night watchman and the next night we were robbed!

[Guest]

My apologies. I swear that when popped into a string of truly funny jokes that it is, indeed, funny:

What's green and swims in the ocean?

Moby Pickle!

[Guest]

Lol : Amish phone directory