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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do splits?"

He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Fridays".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

When I saw a ship load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, "Get out, we don't want your type in here".

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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your in the wrong place. I don't give urine samples. Bum as in behind USA.

What did the bum say to the bottle?

Edited by akaslickster

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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? - "you're to young to smoke"

What did the one traffic light say to the other traffic light? - "Don't look now, I'm changing"

Why did the sausage-roll? - cos it saw the apple-turnover.

What has four legs and flies - two pairs of trousers.

A man walks into a bar and says ..... Ouch! - It was an iron bar.

A biscuit tried to cross the road - Oh crumbs!

Easy home made radio instructions, take some wires and throw one away - you have a wire-less

Two eggs in chatting and one says "I hear the cooks like to beat eggs" and the other says "on a bad day he boils you alive then bashes your head in - and he likes to whip cream"

Well you asked for it!

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Well you asked for it!

I don't think I could ever hear enough of these. The cornier the better!

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up on It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left It.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

And here are some prophetic novels for you:

Title: Rusty Bed Springs

Written by: I. P. Knightly

Title: The Enchanted Forest

Written by: Teresa Green

Title: Cliff Tragedy

Written by: Eileen Dover

Title: Spots on the Wall

Written by: Hoo Flung Poo

Title: Race to the outhouse

Written by: Willie Makit

Illustrated by: Bettie Wont

Published by: Andy Dint

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I don't think I could ever hear enough of these. The cornier the better!

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up on It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left It.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

And here are some prophetic novels for you:

Title: Rusty Bed Springs

Written by: I. P. Knightly

Title: The Enchanted Forest

Written by: Teresa Green

Title: Cliff Tragedy

Written by: Eileen Dover

Title: Spots on the Wall

Written by: Hoo Flung Poo

Title: Race to the outhouse

Written by: Willie Makit

Illustrated by: Bettie Wont

Published by: Andy Dint

LOL!! :lol: :lol: :lol: I always loved corny jokes!! Here's another one to ask someone: "Have you read the book 'The Yellow River' by I.P. Freely?"!! I love these!!!

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Why are policemans balls bigger than firemans balls

They invite more people

Title: Coping with Deyhdration

by M.T.Well

Title: Horse Riding

by Major Bumsor

Title: Egyptian Car Parks

by Toot-n-Kum-in

Title: French cooking

by Sue Flaye

Title: Danceware

by Leah Tard

Title: At the Farmers Market

by Tobias A Pigg

Title: A Year in Detroit

by by Helen Earth

Title: Inflamed Joints

by Arthur I.Tiss

Title: Handel's Messiah

by Ali Luyah

Title: Inclement weather

by Wayne Dropz

Title: Cloning

by Ima Dubble

Title: Floor Coverings

by Lynn O'Leum

Title: Sherlock Homes

by Scott Linyard

Title: TV Programmes

by Watson Tedaye

Title: Neither a Borrower

by Nora Lender Bee

Title: O. J. Guilty or Innocent

by Howard I. Know

Title: Animal Illnesses

by Ann Thrax

Title: French Overpopulation

by Francis Crowded

Title: House Construction

by Bill Jerome Home

Title: Wind in the Willows

by Russell Ingleaves

Title: Look Younger

by Fay Slift

Title: How to say No

by Kurt Reply

Title: Controling Children

by Sid Downe & Shah Tup

Title: Nudist Beaches

by I.C. More

Title: Practical Beachware

by Sandy Shultz

Title: Lewis Carroll

by Alison Wonderland

Title: Leo Tolstoy

by Warren Peace

Short Books

Amish phone directory

French Hospitallity

Jewish book of gifts

Popular Lawyers

Arabic Democrats

Popular Yellow Cab Drivers

Dutch book of Gifts

Italian War Heroes

Large Books

GW Bush's Gaffs

Presedential Deceipt

Untrue Political Manifestos

Unpopular Lawyers

Scotish Thrifty Tips

Fishing Stories (The one that got away)

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If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall

I tried to bet the butcher 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, but he said: "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke in the hospital after surgery and shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "Of course you can't, I cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it burned and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. the doctor says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doctor I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat?."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

I preemptively apologize for that last one :P;)

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Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains

Go home and pull yourself together

Doctor doctor I feel like a deck of cards

I'll deal with you in a later

Doctor Doctor I have spots before my eyes

Have you seen an optician

No! just the spots

Doctor doctor, Sometimes I feel like a Tee-pee and sometimes I feel like a wigwam

You're two tents

Doctor doctor, I think that sometimes I'm a biscuit is it seriuos?

You could be crackers

Oh - crumbs !

Yes in the final stage

How about some....

knock knock

who's there?

little man

little man who?

little man who can't reach the door bell!

Knock knock

who's there

Immon

Immon who?

Immon the frosties packet

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

That's right - dah Dah dumm, dah Dah dumm - WeOOOoowoooOO (better verbal)

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LOL I just love these..awesome..I hope this thread never stops..

How does an Abominable Snowman travel? Bi-Icicle.

Why were two ants climbing on an elephant from two opposite ends at the same time? To maintain the balance.

How do pirates greet each other politely? Ahoy there

I can explain the last one if required :) sorry..just made it up..just hope its not too corny to be called corny :)

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i walked into a department store and the lady asked me"wat size are u?""actual"

1 snowman said to the other funny i smell carrots 2

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An man gets on a bus and sits behind an atom. After a few minutes, the man realises the atom is looking for something. So the man asks what he's lost:

"I've lost an electron" the atom says

"Are you sure"

"I'm positive!"

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I don't think I could ever hear enough of these. The cornier the better!

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up on It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left It.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

These are the same one's I posted :angry: : It's titled "Corny? Stuff" just ta let ya know...but none the less, really awesome, nice job as always ;):lol:

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Doctor, doctor! I'm going to die in exactly 59 seconds!

Just give me a minute, and I'll be right with you.

Doctor, doctor! I have induced kleptomania!

Take two and call me in the morning.

Doctor, doctor! I have Tourette's Syndrome!

Twitch two an call me in the morning.

(It's O.K., I really have TS, don't hurt me!)

Doctor, doctor! I'm an inept leader, I can't talk very well, and I start unnecessary wars!

Just a moment, Mr. President, I'm busy with other patients.

And some book titles:

History of Japanese Warfare

by Sam Uri

Why President Bush was a Good President

by I. Hiritenowe

The Legacy of Ronald Regan

by I.M. Knotakrook

How to Lose 20 Pounds in 2 Days

by Penelope Honey

(if you still don't get this, abbreviate her first name)

And some jokes to top it all off:

What do you call a 400 pound man with a 20 inch head, arms the width of a tree trunk, and carrying big rock?

"Sir."

What do you call the same man as above who has an 18 inch football helmet on?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

You can't, just get well out of the bloody way!

How do you put an elephant in your refrigerator?

Open the door, put the elephant in, then close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in your refrigerator?

You can't. The elephant's already in there.

The Great Animal Convention rolls around, and each kind of animal from around the world attends, expecting fun, games, and competitions. However, two animals don't show up,. Which two didn't attend?

The giraffe and the elephant, because they're still trying to figure out how to get both of them into the refrigerator.

You're in the middle of the jungle, lost and thirsty. The water here is unsafe to drink, and you're canteen is out of water. You come to a river that happens to have a store selling water right on the other side. The problem is, there's a sign that says "DANGER! PIRANHA!," and there's no possible way to get across without swimming across. What do you do?

Swim across. The piranha are all at the animal convention.

I love jokes like this! :lol:

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here's some jokes:

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Clones are people two.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

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russell - a man with a pile of leaves on his head

Doug - a man with a spade on his head

Paul - a man with a rope tied round him

Bob - a man in the sea with no arms and no legs

Ahmed - a man with ham on his head

Mohammed - a man with more ham on his head

sheik Mohammed - a man with more ham on his head and trembling

Ali - a man between two houses

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A little help for the female Brain Denizens:

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Is the rock big enough for two people to fit under?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "I do want you... to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Start with every toll booth in New Jersey."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: "Would you stay there?

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Title "Gettin' Rich"

Written by Robyn Banks

Why is a giraffes head so far away from its body?

Because it has a long neck

I can't think of anymore because I can't stop laughing :lol:

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russell - a man with a pile of leaves on his head

Doug - a man with a spade on his head

Paul - a man with a rope tied round him

Bob - a man in the sea with no arms and no legs

Ahmed - a man with ham on his head

Mohammed - a man with more ham on his head

sheik Mohammed - a man with more ham on his head and trembling

Ali - a man between two houses

lol, normally i don't like these, but those ones are good.

oh, and happy birthday. :)

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Three men walked into a bar. You'd think the third one would have seen it.

A dog saw a bench with the sign "Wet Paint" on it. So he did.

A kid walked by a pet shop and saw a sign in the window that said "Free Kittens". So he did.

Edited by no_go_zone

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A little help for the female Brain Denizens:

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Is the rock big enough for two people to fit under?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "I do want you... to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Start with every toll booth in New Jersey."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: "Would you stay there?

I luv those!!! sooo true, don't cha luv smart-mouthed women? ;):D:lol:

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this thread will be awesomely corny

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a

cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead."

She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her

pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't

move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the

teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and

went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later.... Da-ad....""What?

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No.

You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.

Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you

ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"> Five minutes

later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come

in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting

into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect

to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said,

"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep

slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a

mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to

turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his

voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The

mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't

dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A

long silence was broken at last by his shaky little

voice: "The big sissy."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to

himself, "Two plus five, that son of a lady is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a lady is nine...." His

mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are

you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my

math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"

the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the

mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right

now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And

are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of

a lady is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,

she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,

THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story

of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part

of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the

farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up

to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky

is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised

her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh?t! A

talking chicken!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

some you may have missed

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?

Polaroid's.

What Do Chinese Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What Do Mexicans Call Four Bullfighters In quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

How is an Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce

The Same?

Either way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

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