[itachi-san]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do splits?"

He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Fridays".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

When I saw a ship load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, "Get out, we don't want your type in here".

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Guest]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story

of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part

of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the

farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up

to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky

is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised

her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh?t! A

talking chicken!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

Awesome.

[Guest]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to

himself, "Two plus five, that son of a lady is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a lady is nine...." His

mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are

you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my

math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"

the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the

mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right

now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And

are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of

a lady is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,

she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,

THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

I don't really get this one... <_<

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?

Polaroid's.

What Do Chinese Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What Do Mexicans Call Four Bullfighters In quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

How is an Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce

The Same?

Either way, Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

All these ones above 'cept the addition one were already posted under "Corny? stuff"...so I might as well post it here since u have more peoples attention...but I still had them on this site b4 any1 else <_<

Edited July 15, 2008 by 4wheelchick

[Guest]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path( and this one laugh.gif)

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam! (love this one too)

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko. laugh.gif

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers. tongue.gif

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Guest]

Why did the Greek salad blush? Because he saw the Italian dressing.

I know, corny. But this is the place 4 corn jokes

[Guest]

Why did the Greek salad blush? Because he saw the Italian dressing.

I know, corny. But this is the place 4 corn jokes

I like that

[Brandonb]

What do you call a cow in a field with no legs?

Ground Beef

What do you call a cow in a field with two legs?

Lean Beef

What do you call a bull, "gratifying" itself out in the field?

Beef Stroganoff

What do you call a Buck with no eyes?

No Eye Deer (No Idea)

What do you call a Buck with no eyes and no legs?

Still No Eye Deer

What do you call a castrated Buck with no eyes and no legs?

Still No F*@#'N EYE DEER

:o

[Guest]

a megasauras

Dyafinkisauras

[Guest]

A hole has mysteriously appeared in the ladies locker room at the pool. Police are looking into it.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Guest]

What did the spaghetti noodle say to the tomato?

----don't get saucy with me!!

Why can't wizerds have children?

---- because they have crystal balls (believe it or not I heard that one when I was in kindergarten at a quaker school!!!)

Whats black and white and red all over?

----a skunk covered in strawberry jam

[Guest]

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

-----once is $2 while the other is under a buck

[Guest]

There is proff that the toothbrush was invented in kentucky..if it wereinvented anywhere else it would have been called a TEETHbrush

no offense to anyone back east..

[itachi-san]

Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the easiest to get?

A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q: What do you call a one legged dog?

A: It doesn't matter, he wont come anyway.

Q: Why can't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in Arkansas high schools?

A: It's too hard on the mule

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Beer Belly was the original term for a gas tank for a sex machine.

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex?

A: Its' called "Wedding Cake"

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogie in it!

Q: Why is duct tape like "The Force"?

A: Because it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision?

A: "Good-eye deer"

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A happy pit-bull

Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

A. Sparky

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?

A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

Q: What's the difference between a leach and the IRS?

A: The leach will leave you alone when you die

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

A: He's all right now.

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?

A: See you next month.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?

A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone else's business

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Porsche

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

"I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel"

"How lucky for you. Mines still alive."

Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A. Because 7, 8, 9. !!!!!!!!!! (so old, yet so good)

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because he didn't have any guts

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down

Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A submarine

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?

A: When your hand falls asleep

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka.

Q: What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?

A: Iceberg.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

A: He sold his soul to Santa

[Guest]

Wow. I like that last one.

[Guest]

Beer Belly was the original term for a gas tank for a sex machine.

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. It's not hard. yeah... <_< that's DEFINETLY perverted...sad...I'm 13 and I git it....

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. HOW TRUE!!! <_<

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?

A: See you next month.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down. god...how many perverted jokes r there? <_<

[itachi-san]

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy.

god...how many perverted jokes r there? <_<

as many as it takes well, I cut out all the raunchy ones from that list of jokes, but I guess I left in the perverted ones . my apologies if any of those are offensive. here's some that can't possibly be offensive (unless you're a die-hard engineer)

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your video card is a moral dilemma

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You bought your wife a new motherboard for her birthday

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects

You even save the power cord from broken appliances

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You spent more on your self-made PC's case than on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You window shop at newegg and cdw

You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is

Your checkbook always balances

Your laptop is prioritized above your car

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work and seldom asks

You've calculated how much you make per second

You've tried to repair a 5$ radio but instead wound up using the parts for an old discman

You have a member card for the local gadget store that your neighbors have no idea exists

[Guest]

Is it better to hit two birds with one stone, or stone two birds with one hit?

Give a man fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[Guest]

Give a man fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

lol, nice one. Though you think he'd cool down once the fire went out.

Edited July 24, 2008 by Frost

[itachi-san]

lol, nice one. Though you think he'd cool down once the fire went out.

yeah, but that would be the start of his death

Sum wurdz ov wizdim:

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

He who has, so shall he who.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Politicians and diapers have a lot in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same old mustard.

My inferiority complex is just not as good as yours.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

[unreality]

haha you got the best jokes, Itachi where do you get all these? or do you make em up?

[itachi-san]

haha you got the best jokes, Itachi where do you get all these? or do you make em up?

thanks! a little from column A a little from column B. the ones i posted today were almost entirely non-original though

[itachi-san]

Back to the real corniness:

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

So what did Delaware?

Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

What has one horn and provides milk?

A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Don't wake it up and sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?

A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?

A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.

What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

[Joe's Student]

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

Brilliant!

[Guest]

An man gets on a bus and sits behind an atom. After a few minutes, the man realises the atom is looking for something. So the man asks what he's lost:

"I've lost an electron" the atom says

"Are you sure"

"I'm positive!"

That's too funny.

[Guest]

Why were the college students waiting in line at the bakery? They kneaded dough.

[Guest]

Back to the real corniness:

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

So what did Delaware?

Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

What has one horn and provides milk?

A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Don't wake it up and sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?

A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?

A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.

What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

Those are corney...but great.