[Guest]

hey, i have been having a lot of problems lately and avoided this website, but i decided everyone is nice here so i might as well ask for help. I am bi sexual.. its hard for me to admit this to others but i thought i shouldn't be scared to do so here. Problem is though that for the last four years i kept this secret and now i feel like my life is a lie and that i have no friends... and i want to be open about it but im too scared to be. Does anyone have any idea what i could do to build up my confidence, only 6 people in the enitre world know till now... and i jsut want some kinds words to help me out.

edit: typos

Edited June 21, 2009 by Riranor

[unreality]

A long, long time ago in a universe far, far away I used to be insecure, unpopular, unconfident. I know, I know, it's hard to imagine - a strong, handsome man like me, gasp, wearing a pocket protector and joining the chess club? Haha well I never did anything *that* nerdy but you get my drift. I'm not like the life of every party today, but I have changed a LOT over the past seven or so years and all for the better.

Let me tell you my story. In elementary school when everyone was cool and everyone had everyone as friends, I was up there. I was athletic and extremely competitive. Even a cureless romantic. Then in 3rd game I found out that I was "smart". We had never paid much attention to "grades" before but I discovered that I was the "best in the class" when it came to certain things. This is important later on, but for the rest of that year and 4th grade, it was only on the sideburner. In 4th grade we had constant recess and it was an awesome year.

Enter 5th grade, the impossible gap into "middle school". All the elementary schools in the district (like a bunch of them) all poured their masses into one much larger building. With all these people that didn't know me, for some reason I felt the need to make sure that everyone knew quite how intellegent I was. I knew how to add 12 and 37 for goodness sake! And gasp I knew what a factorial was! I knew how to do long division! It's all so hilarious looking back, but I must have been an insecure little dude. On our "icebreaker introduction" in 5th grade homeroom I proudly announcement that I was "the smartest kid from my elementary school". My elementary was the smallest in the district of course but that hadn't crossed my mind. Anyway that was instant social destruction... not that I knew anything about social norms at the time. I had huge*ss glasses, even.

But still somehow I managed to become friends with a bunch of cool people... all the people from my elementary were still good buddies plus I meant a bunch of new people. So I must not have been that bad. But my friends were more of the intellectual type and not "popular" by any means, except maybe one or two.

Over the course of time, I have improved amazingly. Everything's been self-taught... certain aspects of my intelligence are probably predisposed, genetically or atmospherically, but any leadership skills, public speaking skills and most importantly social skills have been self-taught rigorously since then. Seven years later and I have to say I've done myself a favor. I'm now as sociable as possible, and as spontaneous as I can be. I've made lots of friends and made lots of cool people, and really I'm erasing my past. Sure I still may not be considered one of the "popular" people but over time you realize that no such faction exists. They are really only popular within themselves and not to the rest of the school. Before I was always feeling that my circle of friends was too small... until I realized that it was a tight circle with a lot of experience. It's a quality over quantity thing. I've seen people who go to parties and get wasted every night and don't remember anything and never go out and make any truly meaningful connections... they have a bazillion friends but none of them close. It's like Facebook.

So I'm glad in what I've accomplished and that I've realized what really matters in life. The thing is, f*ck what the world thinks about you.

Sure there are things I haven't told my friends. Nothing as big as bisexuality but you know... for example I haven't told them that I love reproving ancient mathematical theorems. Or that I'm a member of Brainden and play an online game called mafia. Perhaps my largest such secret is my atheism... not that I don't mind coming out with it, but mostly because there's never really an opportunity to so it doesn't matter. You just don't go up to people and say "Hey I don't believe in your silly fairy tales" randomly ;D

But I think most of my friends know, maybe not in such finality, but at least they know how I value things like rationality, science, freethinking, etc, over religious dogma. A lot of my friends are very politically liberal and we agree on things like evolution and whatnot. I think I've only explicitly called myself an atheist to one friend but that was when he was going through a kind of spiritual journey.

Anyway I guess my biggest parable with you is my atheism.

I say f*ck it and tell them! I guarantee most of them have never been presented with such a situation but are eager to try out their tolerances if they're any kind of friend at all. It's actually a perfect method to weed out who's a "true friend" or not but I guarantee most of your friends will be cool with it and try to help you out. They're not "false friends" just because you haven't told them your sexual preference... I think sexual preferences have a lot less impact on a person's personality than you may at first think. So it's not like you've been "lying" to them with your behavior. You are who you are, and just because you don't tell them that you're attracted to males as well as females, that doesn't mean you've been lying to them (unless you believe in lie-by-ommission but that means you lie to everyone about everything unless you can give them a video recount of every second of your life when they ask how your day went).

So really... if my friend said that he was attracted to men too I wouldn't mind. A lot of times me and my friends pretend to be gay as a joke (but in good taste). I know homosexuality is a lot different than bisexuality but anyway you get my drift. It's really not that big of a deal. If you feel like now's the time to get it off your chest, then get it off your chest.

I told you that (much compressed) story of my life to show you that it doesn't really matter what people think of you. The initial conditions affect you in the outcome, but you can change them. Sure I was a nerd in middle school. I'm still nerdy at heart now, but I'm definitely not the nerdy stereotype.

Anyway... your life is not a lie. Atheism perhaps defines a large portion of my outlook on life, but that doesn't mean my life is a lie just because I haven't told certain people. A life is only a lie if the person is lying to themselves about themselves. For example, if I pretended that I was this really cool jock, even trying to convince myself that, I'd be lying to myself.

You're clearly not lying to yourself - you know who you are. You know the things that define you. Ergo, your life is no lie. Just the opposite. Whereas someone else may try to deny their own (possibly genetic) sexual disposition, you have embraced it within (if not externally).

Also it sounds like you've already told your closer friends. Six people is a lot of people already, don't downplay that. If they are your closer friends, and they're okay with it, then why tell "everyone else"? It's not like you need everyone to know everything about you. It's your friends/family that matter most and your closest friends that matter most of the most. If they already know then there's really no need to proclaim yourself to the world. But if there's good friends you'd like to tell, I say tell 'em!

If there's one very good thing that my naturalism imparts: don't take life too seriously... no one gets out alive. No really. It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. Do whatever the hell you want because when it comes down to it doesn't matter in the end... it just matters how awesome the whole experience was, how many sensations you felt, how much meaning you brought to your own life and to other's lives. So f*ck the world, f*ck the system and f*ck society - do whatever, whenever, and have fun! Live not survive! I know you only a little bit from on Brainden, but from what I know of you, you are an awesome person... if I was near you in real life I would probably be your friend.

None of this was said with the intent to cheer you up artificially. It's all true and very natural. I mean what I say and I say it like it is. It just so also happens that life is awesome and you should enjoy it however you wish

unreality out

[Guest]

I would qutoe unreality's post but its probably a little too long XD

thanks, that alone really opened my eyes. I see that i can't be scared. I also don't really know what to say but thank you. glad to know there are people like you out there

[Guest]

The best way to build confidence is practice. It's like public speaking. If there are people that you think ought to know your orientation, pick one and tell them (say, one per week or something) until you've told everyone who might care.

Now, I'm not saying to go get in people's face and tell them even though they probably don't care, or worse, people who might be intolerant. There are people who might want to knock your confidence back, either purposely or just because of their unwillingness to understand people who are different from them.

The other advice I have is to find some support from LGBT groups. I'll bet you've done some of that online already. Look for groups locally that you could join and meet with to share your issues.

Finally, just be patient and let yourself grow into your own skin. Confidence is a tool that is tremendously useful to practice, even when it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Practice *appearing* confident in every aspect of your life, the way you would do in order to give a good presentation in front of a class or interviewing for a job. Draw upon things that you really are confident about as examples of how to act confidently. It's amazing how confidence builds on itself and spreads across boundaries from one situation to the next. You start out uncertain inside but putting on a good confident exterior and you'll find that it works, then Voila! You suddenly realize that you actually are building your confidence!

[Guest]

The best way to build confidence is practice. It's like public speaking. If there are people that you think ought to know your orientation, pick one and tell them (say, one per week or something) until you've told everyone who might care.

Now, I'm not saying to go get in people's face and tell them even though they probably don't care, or worse, people who might be intolerant. There are people who might want to knock your confidence back, either purposely or just because of their unwillingness to understand people who are different from them.

The other advice I have is to find some support from LGBT groups. I'll bet you've done some of that online already. Look for groups locally that you could join and meet with to share your issues.

Finally, just be patient and let yourself grow into your own skin. Confidence is a tool that is tremendously useful to practice, even when it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Practice *appearing* confident in every aspect of your life, the way you would do in order to give a good presentation in front of a class or interviewing for a job. Draw upon things that you really are confident about as examples of how to act confidently. It's amazing how confidence builds on itself and spreads across boundaries from one situation to the next. You start out uncertain inside but putting on a good confident exterior and you'll find that it works, then Voila! You suddenly realize that you actually are building your confidence!

thank you, i see everyone here is so nice and im glad i asked for this help, i was a little worried some people would be inconsiderate but i was stupid to think that. Thank you again

[unreality]

yeah seeksit mentions a good point about confidence. I used to suck at public speaking but I find I don't really fear it anymore after countless projects and whatnot. Usually I try to draw on my sense of humor (I think the sole reason I got elected to NHS officer is because I shamelessly made fun of myself in my speech while everyone else's were all uptight and well crafted gems)... so yeah I think confidence is something you build up.

I think you have a lot of confidence riranor but don't know it... like if you've already told 6 people and they took it fine, you're more than halfway there my friend

[Guest]

Just a few words of advice I have for you. First of all seeksit is exactly spot on in his last paragraph, those are some good words of advice. Also make sure you are prepared for the jackasses that are too ignorant to understand your situation. The better you are prepared for them, the more confident you'll become. I'm sure you are aware that it is almost certain you'll run across such people, but just don't let them discourage you. Even if they are your so called "friends". You are better off without them anyways. People often say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt", actually words do hurt. When those words do come to you that may hurt, simply shrug it off knowing you are far more intelligent, secure, and confident than they are. People who poke fun at others for being "different" are usually insecure about something about themselves. Just keep your head high and walk around like you have a purpose, and people will generally take notice. Hope that helps a little. I know it's easier to take advice than it is to imply it, but once you do you'll never regret it.

[Guest]

thank you... all of you, i couldn't ask for better people to help me. Your all right... i gotta be more confident... and i am in this leadership club at school... im actually well known in it but i feel as if i always lied to them, but your right it isn't lying. thank you everyone... now i just got to figure out where i want to start now

Edit: typos and changed a sentence

Edited June 21, 2009 by Riranor

[plasmid]

I realize that this might be interpreted the wrong way at first, but you don't really need to go telling everyone. I'm not saying at all that bisexuality is anything to be ashamed of, it's just that for most people it's not really any of their concern. Like unreality, I rarely bother to point out to people that I'm an atheist, but have no hesitation about saying that I am if I'm ever asked. Same thing when I was a vegetarian in Texas (Gasp! Nearly the equivalent of homosexuality!) It works out pretty well: if people know you well enough that it's any of their concern, then they know you well enough that prejudices won't get in the way – you're already pretty tried and true with them. In my experience, people who are already established friends don't tend to get fazed much... by ALL SORTS of crazy stuff that's come up. (Side note: When seeksit was talking about practicing telling people, the one thing you definitely want to be prepared for is if someone walks up to you and asks about it out of the blue because they heard a rumor or something; you'll want to be able to say "Yeah, that's right" without a flinch.)

I also have similar sentiments as unreality about quantity of friends. I've pretty much always kept a pretty small number of friends, mostly other people who were into either playing music or who were into doing stuff that I considered to be genuinely fun and non-pretentious, even if it was a little nerdy and not cool enough for the cool kids. ("Cool kids" is a mild insult, by the way.) And I absolutely ABHORE clubs and bars and would rather sit through a lecture on capital gains tax credits and their influence on demand of inferior goods than go to a club or bar. So when I actually thought about it, and said "All right, I don't have a whole lot of friends, but would I REALLY want to be friends with X? Are they really fun or interesting to be around, or would they be like a preppie or a frat boy or something?" (No offense to the preppies or frat boys, but you go do your thing and I'll do mine.) After looking at it that way, I realized that my number of friends was right where it needed to be. Maybe that's the case with you, or if there are people that you think you might really like to hang out with then you could go ahead and try to approach them, but don't go diving into the shallow end of the pool.

[akaslickster]

hey, i have been having a lot of problems lately and avoided this website, but i decided everyone is nice here so i might as well ask for help. I am bi sexual.. its hard for me to admit this to others but i thought i shouldn't be scared to do so here. Problem is though that for the last four years i kept this secret and now i feel like my life is a lie and that i have no friends... and i want to be open about it but im too scared to be. Does anyone have any idea what i could do to build up my confidence, only 6 people in the enitre world know till now... and i jsut want some kinds words to help me out.

edit: typos

I've sort of known you for several months and you are a good friend no matter what anyone thinks. I think no less of people different than me. I hope everyone will accept you as us.

I think these days, people aren't bashing and as prejudice as when I was a kid. I guess you'll have it easier in finding a mate. Good luck, dude.

[Guest]

you all make perfect sense, i feel like an idiot now for being so scared XD

[Guest]

So, you're afraid of what people might think of you, or say about you if you came out to them. Be honest with yourself and answer the following question: does it worry you because on some level you believe (rationally or not) that there is something "wrong" with you? If so, then the first thing you need to do is accept yourself. Once you've done that, the rest will be much easier, because other people's opinions won't matter nearly as much to you.

On the other hand, maybe you're worried that people will be angry that you've been "dishonest" with them for the past four years? If that's the case, you should make sure they know that it was difficult for you to talk about it with them, and that you're telling them now because you trust them and value their friendship. It shouldn't matter to your friends whether you're straight, gay, bi, trans, black, Jewish, or all of the above and covered head-to-toe with blue fur. If it does, you needed new friends anyway. There are plenty of people out there who will accept you as you are. I think you'll find most people your age (I'm assuming you're an adolescent) really won't care that you're bisexual.

Either way, my advice is to stop worrying about it and just be yourself. You can't know how that will turn out, but you do know that you don't like the way things are now, and if you don't change that, nobody else will. I'm not saying you need to shout it from the hilltops, or put an announcement in the paper. Just stop making a secret of it. I'm also not saying it will be easy, and that nobody will tease you or be cruel to you. However, it sounds like you still have at least six friends who support you, and in all likelihood you'll find you have many more...

Edited June 22, 2009 by d3k3

[Izzy]

If there's one very good thing that my naturalism imparts: don't take life too seriously... no one gets out alive. No really. It's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. Do whatever the hell you want because when it comes down to it doesn't matter in the end... it just matters how awesome the whole experience was, how many sensations you felt, how much meaning you brought to your own life and to other's lives. So f*ck the world, f*ck the system and f*ck society - do whatever, whenever, and have fun! Live not survive!

Unreality, I love you (er, not romantically, but yeah. ). You've written a bunch of spectacular points on here, but this is hands down the best, and most home-hitting, thing I've ever read from you. I agree entirely, and all I can add are some song lyrics. NOFX ftw.

The Agony of Victory

Come on, dance like a retard.

Life's an endless party not a punch card.

I don't understand some people's drive,

Let's just f*ck and drink and be alive,

Not just survive.

Sorry, I haven't had the time to read the entire thread, on a fairly tight schedule, so I'm sure that this has mostly been said before, but Riranor, if your friends can't accept your sexuality, they aren't very good friends to begin with. From my (somewhat personal) experience, no one cares. When you introduce yourself, you don't have to be all "Hello, my name is <whatever> and I'm bi. *shakes hand*". Just be yourself, and if it comes out later, so what? Find out if your friends are homophobes first, I'm willing to bet they aren't (though maybe I'm just growing up in liberal America?), and if they are, well, show 'em being L/G/B/T doesn't make you a freak. You'll be fine, trust me.

[Guest]

I think it's great that you've asked this on BrainDen, it shows you want to be open, good for you. Frankly if your friends can't handle it you've got the wrong friends, so f*ck 'em, get some new ones. But you can't choose your family and so you may have to tread carefully, if there's a real barrier to being open this would be it. Maybe not though, maybe they are open minded, maybe more so than you think.

And here I would like to offer a cautionary tale. I know 2 people (one gay one lesbian) who have been in the closet way too long and everybody knows it. The gay bloke in question hasn't told his family but they all know, they just don't know how to talk to him about it. Similarly with my lesbian friend, she won't tell her family and even keeps it a secret from her best friend. When I first met her it took me all of 5 seconds to figure out she was a lesbian, so I can't imagine those other people are ignorant of it. They probably also don't know how to address the subject with someone who seems to be dead set on keeping it a secret. So this is a word of warning; if you leave it too long, you may be the last to know that everybody knows, and it will harm your relationships. Bite the bullet when you get the chance, or you'll give off the vibe that this is something you're not prepared to talk about. Good luck!

EDIT: Whoops I forgot to say anything confidence building. Fortune favours the brave! There ya go

[andromeda]

Hey Riranor

I think that the worst part is over and that's admitting who you are to yourself, cause many people live their whole life in denial and it is eating them alive.

Good luck in telling your friends and family. I suggest you start from the first moment you have realized it and go from there. The confidence will build up after your friends and family learn about your orientation and accept that part of you as something that shouldn't change the way they perceive you cause that was always a part of you even though it has surfaced not so long ago.

Thanks for sharing, I bet it wasn't easy

Edited June 23, 2009 by andromeda

[Izzy]

Oh, and be prepared for the "you're a teenager, this is just a phase" thing from your parents. It isn't easy, but the best thing you can probably counter with is "Well, so what if it isn't permanent, this is what I like now.", so they'll probably say it's just hormones raging, but yeah, bleh. I dunno, expect denial, but in the end, you should be a lot happier?

[Guest]

Hey Riranor,

There are many worse things than being bisexual, (If you want to even consider that a bad thing,) Intolerance being the worst of them. As it's already been said many times, now is the time when you will discover who your real friends are, and who the scum of the Earth are.

I've come from a similar situation to Unreality's, and trust me, the persecution is much worse for saying you're a mini-super-genius, than it is if you say you have a different orientation, and the people that do get after you for it, most of the time are the people that everybody hates. There are of course those decent human beings that will feel kind of nervous around you, but if they've already known you for a while, learning your orientation might be just as significant as learning your favorite color.

[Guest]

thank you everyone and your all right, the otehr night i finalyl deicded to tell my friends that i was bi and put it up on myspace and even some people that i haven't spoken to in years finally said somethign to me and told mei should be proud of myself, now the hardest part will be to tell my parents i know... but i guess i got to do that part when im ready. Thank you all so much

[akaslickster]

you all make perfect sense, i feel like an idiot now for being so scared XD

Please. No. It's natural to be scared of many things, especially something shocking that word may spread around. Idiots are ones who create themselves into monsters, by bottling stuff up inside and ruining themselves mentally and then maybe physically with drugs and/or alcohol.

I think your as normal as should be as a teen. Promise no more negative feelings.

thank you everyone and your all right, the otehr night i finalyl deicded to tell my friends that i was bi and put it up on myspace and even some people that i haven't spoken to in years finally said somethign to me and told mei should be proud of myself, now the hardest part will be to tell my parents i know... but i guess i got to do that part when im ready. Thank you all so much

Parents can be religious about your issue and still agree that even though they expected a hetro, they have what was given to them biologically. They can't be much older than me and blood is thicker in a family. You will know when or if it is the right time. Perhaps never. That is your personal and private thing.

I never told my folks about the crack and the needles and the list goes on. Luckily them days were very long ago. If you are very open with them about stuff, then you should know if they will accept it or not. I don't think this telling right-away to everyone is always your best interest. Good luck, however you proceed. Okay next.......

[Izzy]

Idiots are ones who create themselves into monsters, by bottling stuff up inside and ruining themselves mentally and then maybe physically with drugs and/or alcohol.

Nit-picking here, but I feel like pointing out alcohol and drug use can be bad, but with appropriate use (ie not abuse) they are really no worse than junk food and smoking (hell, cigarettes are worse for you than weed!)*. While it's bad to resort to anything because of depression, especially addictive substances like some narcotics (stay away from opiates, meth, and cocaine kids**), in general, they're fine. Honestly, the mental damage you can do to yourself while in that state of mind is probably worse than what certain drugs (mdma for instance) will do to you.

*I am not encouraging anyone on this forum to use drugs or telling minors to drink. Please follow the guidelines/laws in your country and whatnot. Bleh.

**Meth is just plain bad for you. Period. Stupid really. Some people have no problem using opiates (heroin, hyrdocodone, oxycodone, etc.) and cocaine with restraint, but those people are rare, and you're better off just staying away. If you're going to do cocaine, snort don't inject, your nasal passage is too small to take in enough, so at least you won't OD this way. Umm. Yeah. I know we have a lot of kids on this site, subject to lots of peer pressure, so.. random advice if they ever need it? Again, NOT encouraging drug use. Just wanting people to be safe if they do. Use Erowid.org for all info. Man wtf am I talking about. Be safe is all.

[akaslickster]

Nit-picking here, but I feel like pointing out alcohol and drug use can be bad, but with appropriate use (ie not abuse) they are really no worse than junk food and smoking (hell, cigarettes are worse for you than weed!)*. While it's bad to resort to anything because of depression, especially addictive substances like some narcotics (stay away from opiates, meth, and cocaine kids**), in general, they're fine. Honestly, the mental damage you can do to yourself while in that state of mind is probably worse than what certain drugs (mdma for instance) will do to you.

*I am not encouraging anyone on this forum to use drugs or telling minors to drink. Please follow the guidelines/laws in your country and whatnot. Bleh.

**Meth is just plain bad for you. Period. Stupid really. Some people have no problem using opiates (heroin, hyrdocodone, oxycodone, etc.) and cocaine with restraint, but those people are rare, and you're better off just staying away. If you're going to do cocaine, snort don't inject, your nasal passage is too small to take in enough, so at least you won't OD this way. Umm. Yeah. I know we have a lot of kids on this site, subject to lots of peer pressure, so.. random advice if they ever need it? Again, NOT encouraging drug use. Just wanting people to be safe if they do. Use Erowid.org for all info. Man wtf am I talking about. Be safe is all.

Me and my BIG MOUTH! True points, though we should be staying with the OP.

Say, let's start some new mythical creatures in the other thread. EH?????

[Izzy]

Me and my BIG MOUTH! True points, though we should be staying with the OP.

Say, let's start some new mythical creatures in the other thread. EH?????

:lol: Lemme go.. eat .. something and see what I can dream up.

[akaslickster]

Lemme go.. eat .. something and see what I can dream up.

Sure, but I'm ready for bed and will check back in the morn.

Just to add to this OP. I really want everyone to find a comfortable life, without being destructive to themselves or others. For more on the subject, there is a couple peace threads in here, buried.

Riranor will be fine and he can contact me or others for wisdom/answers/solutions.

[Izzy]

Sure, but I'm ready for bed and will check back in the morn.

Just to add to this OP. I really want everyone to find a comfortable life, without being destructive to themselves or others.

Eugh, just realized the time. Should probably sleep too.. Don't worry, under the right circumstances (this weekendish) I can dream up some kick-butt mythical creature Atlantis can never disprove while being simultaneously suspended in a warm pool of liquid awesome, existing in a world free of pain and hate. I might even want to watch my 'soul' be ripped from my body and ascend to 'heaven'.

Man wtf am I talking about. Sleep depriiiived.

As long as we maintain the right to be destructive to ourselves if we wish it.

Adding the the OP, be yourself, screw what everyone thinks.

Man we need a drug thread or something. Wonder what the people here think about the war on drugs..

Rambling. Night. >_>

[rookie1ja]

I advise to stick to the OP (for the biggest part of your posts - so not 1 sentence related to the OP and rambling for another few sentences)

[akaslickster]

I advise to stick to the OP (for the biggest part of your posts - so not 1 sentence related to the OP and rambling for another few sentences)

Thank you for getting the point across. I found out that if you respect someone who is different or ugly, then you get back self gratification. This is called respect!!! I could only wish that this thread will show love without hate within this world. Peace be with all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!