I've been a bit low the past few days and my pals have been sending me stuff to cheer me up. I'm posting a random collection (All in one thread Rainthinker ) of what I found the funniest. I'm sorry, as there is no order to them or if any have been repeated elsewhere on this forum. I do hope it makes you smile
A cop pulls over this guy and says, "Sir, I need you to take a breath test."
Guy says, "I can't do that. I'm asthmatic and if I do that I'll have a really big asthma attack."
"Okay, then I'll need you to come down to the station with me and I'll have to do some blood tests-just to make sure."
"Sir, I can't do that either. I'm a haemophiliac and if I do that I'll bleed to death."
"Okay, fine. Then, I need a urine sample from you."
"I can't do that either, sir. I'm sorry, but I'm a diabetic and if I do that my sugar will get really, really low."
"Okay, then why don't you step out of the car and walk on this white line for me," the officer says.
"I can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
***************************
Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school."
Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!"
To which the father answers from outside the door, "Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!"
*****************************
At a London bar, two men are sitting next to each other.
“I was listening to you speak,” says one, “and I can’t help thinking, are you from Devon?”
“Yes, I am!” says the other proudly.
“So am I!” says the first man. “Where in Devon are you from?”
“Barnstaple.”
“Me too! Which street?”
“Stanley Avenue.”
“My God, it’s a small world,” says the first man. “That’s where I grew up. Which school did you go to?”
“St Mary’s Grammar, of course,” says his companion.
“I left in 1968.”
“The good Lord must be smiling down upon us. I went to St Mary’s and left in 1968, too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight?”
Just then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer. The barman walks over, shaking his head.
“It’s going to be a long night,” he says. “The Hodgkins twins are drunk again.”
*********************************
In English,a double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right!
Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a lot of them.
One afternoon, an elderly couple are relaxing in front of the TV. Suddenly, the woman is overcome with lust and says to her husband, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.” “Hang on,” he replies. “I can’t do both.”
The Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
I went to a petrified forest and all the animals were afraid of me.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No," the man replied. "Landmines."
What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies.
Sign in a dentist’s office : “Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You.”
First mother: “How’s your son getting on at medical school?” Second mother: “I don’t know, I can’t read his letters.”
“Mum,” said the little boy, “if I promise to be good, can I have fifty dollars?” “Why can’t you just be good for nothing, like your father?” his mother replied.
"When does the Loch Ness monster show?" the tourist asked his guide. "Usually after your fifth peg of whisky."
Did you hear about the student who flunked medical college? His handwriting was legible.
A medical research group advertised in the paper for volunteers with obsessive-compulsive disorder to take part in a study of their condition. The response was overwhelming: 300 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road? She was tired of all the jokes.
Why did the Pope cross the road? Well, He crosses everything.
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? They ended up in a tie.
A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick. Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”
Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get? All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.
Standing in the park yesterday, I was wondering why Frisbees look bigger and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
We’re told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?
*******************************
A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, “You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl.” Snapped the harassed shop assistant, “I’m sorry about that but I’m serving as fast as I can.”
********************************
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a very serious problem. I only hear half of everything.”
“That can’t be,” answers the doctor. “Either you can hear everything or you can’t hear anything. Let’s see. Repeat after me: ninety-six.”
“Forty-eight,” says the man.
*********************************
Joe couldn’t take much more of his blind date. Luckily, he had arranged for a friend to ring the restaurant at nine with an excuse for him to leave.
Sure enough, he was called to the phone on the hour, and returned to tell his date, “I’ve got to go. My father’s died.”
“Thank heavens for that,” the date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to.”
*********************************
“The chemist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband. Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the store to defend his wife.
“Listen to my side!” the chemist pleaded. “First, my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then my car had a puncture. “When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of coins, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backwards, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”
**********************************
As a policeman writes out a ticket for speeding, the driver gets furious: “What the hell do I do with your ticket?”
“Keep it,” advises the policeman. “When you collect twelve, you’ll get a bicycle!”
***********************************
Scurrying through the aisles of a supermarket, two men accidentally bump into each other.
“I’m sorry,” says one of them, “but I’m looking for my wife.”
“What a coincidence!” says the other. “I’m looking for my wife too.”
“Maybe I can help you,” says the first man. “What does your wife look like?”
“She’s tall, has light brown hair, shapely legs, a firm bust and a great body.”
“Forget about my wife,” says the first man. “Let’s go look for yours!”
************************************
A couple of lawyers walk into a diner, order drinks and pull lunches from their briefcases.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t eat your own food here.”
The guys look at each other, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
***************************************
A Czech goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters “CZWXNQSTACZ”.
“Can you read this?” he asks.
“Read it?” the Czech replies, “He's my best friend!”
*****************************************
Visiting the aquarium during feeding time, a hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, “You know, I could hypnotize that shark.”
“You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb,” the feeder said, laughing. “But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest.”
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
“I thought you could hypnotize him,” sneered the feeder.
“I did,” the hypnotist said, holding his arm. “Now he thinks he’s an alligator.”
***************************************
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”
******************************************
“Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” the teacher asked her seventh-standard students. Everyone but John raised a hand to answer.
“Do you know, John?” she asked.
“I don't know and I don't care!” the boy yelled, arms crossed. “Stop asking me stupid questions.”
Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a meeting.
“What's the problem?” John's dad asked when he arrived. “Why is my son in detention?”
“I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn't know and didn't care, and told me to stop asking him questions,” she said.
Furious, the man grabbed John by the collar. “What's your problem, son?” he shouted. “If you killed the man, just say so.”
*******************************************
A pale-looking man staggers into a pub and sits down at the bar. The barman looks at him nervously and says, “What can I get you?” The man says, “Set me up with ten double shots of your best whisky.”
The barman does this and the man gulps them down one after another, until he’s knocked back the lot in under a minute. Concerned, the barman asks why he’s hitting the bottle so hard.
“You’d drink this fast if you’d got what I’ve got,” the man says, staring sadly into his empty glass.
Wondering what this terrible affliction could be, the barman asks, “What have you got?”
The man replies, “About 4$.”
*********************************************
One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an earring.
“I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff,” he said to his friend.
“It’s not a big deal,” the guy said. “It’s just an earring.”
“How long have you been wearing it?”
“Since my wife found it in my car last week.”
************************************************
Ignoring the concerns of friends and family that she’s too old to cope, a 70-year-old uses fertility treatment to give birth to a baby boy. After she leaves hospital, her relatives come to call.
“Let’s have a look at him, then,” they say.
“Not yet,” the 70-year-old replies.
Assuming he must be asleep, the relatives wait an hour then ask again, “Can we see him now?”
“Not yet,” the pensioner replies.
Two hours pass. “Surely we can see him now?” the relatives ask.
“No,” says the woman.
“So when exactly can we see him?” exclaim the relatives, growing suspicious.
“When he cries,” replies the woman.
“Why do we have to wait until he cries?”
“Because I’ve forgotten where I put him.”
*******************************************
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine, tailored suit.
“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”
“Wow, were you a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.
“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?” he asks.
“We use Windows too,” says Saint Peter. “And the Titanic only crashed once.”
**********************************************
An electrician is interviewing for a construction job.
“Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and make it pop back on your head?” the supervisor asks.
“Sure,” he replies, confused.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the concrete, spin in a circle and catch it in your tool pouch?”
“Yes, sir,” he answers excitedly.
“And can you quick-draw your wire stripper, twirl it and slip it into your pouch like it’s a holster?”
“I’ve been doing that for years!”
“In that case, I can’t use you,” the boss says. “I’ve already got 15 guys doing that now.”
Three active boys and their mother were playing cops and robbers in the park. One boy yelled “Bang! You’re dead!” as he “shot” his mother. She slumped to the ground and a passer-by was worried when she didn't get up.
Fearing she may have hurt herself in the fall, he hurried over and asked, “Are you OK? The mother opened one eye and whispered, “Don't give me away. This is the only rest I’ve had all day.”
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal's mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart a**.
Leading a buffalo on a rope, a man walks into a café, sits his shotgun on the counter and orders coffee. After drinking it in one gulp, he blasts the buffalo with the gun and leaves.
He returns the next morning, gun and buffalo in tow. “Coffee, please.”
“We’re still cleaning from yesterday,” the waiter replies. “What was that about, anyway?”
Smiling proudly, the man says, “I’m training for upper management. I come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day.”
The MP droned on and on despite repeated warnings from the Speaker of the House that his time was up. Finally the Speaker gave up banging his gavel and threw it at the offender. It missed and hit another parliamentarian on the head.
As he fell to the floor semiconscious, he summoned enough strength to call out, “Hit me again! I can still hear him!”
The Rabbi and the Catholic priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but you just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and have some?”
The Rabbi looked at his friend with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
Catching sight of a car without a driver as it starts to roll out of the car park, a woman tears open the door, jumps in and puts on the handbrake. When she gets out she sees that a man is standing beside the car. She calls out by way of explanation, “I put on the handbrake because the car was moving.” “I know,"glared the man," I was pushing it.”
************************************************
Bored with his job, a man decides to act crazy so that his boss will give him a few days off. He hangs upside-down from the ceiling, making funny buzzing noises, and tells a female colleague that he’s a light bulb.
She calls the boss who duly believes that the man must be suffering from stress and sends him home until he’s feeling better.
As the man walks out of the door, the female colleague follows.
“Where are you going?” says the boss.
“I’m off home, too,” she says. “There’s no way I’m working in the dark.”
The new family in the neighbourhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. Though late for work, her father had to drive her to classes, following her directions.
The trip took 20 minutes round a number of turns, yet the school proved to be just a short distance from their home. Annoyed, the father asked his daughter why she had given such directions.
"That's the only way I know, Daddy," she explained. "That's how the school bus goes."
***********************************************
Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over to get some sleep. He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock on the window.
He opened his eyes to a jogger, who asked, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?"
"It's 8:10."
"Thanks," he replied, running off. The man had just dozed off again when there was another knock.
"What time is it?" asked a hiker.
"8:25."
Fed up, the man put a sign in his window that read "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"
Knock, knock! He was suddenly awakened again.
Scowling, the man rolled down the window. "What?" he yelled at the Boy Scout standing there.
"It's 8:45."
*************************************************
Stingy Abe was on his deathbed. “Is my wife here?” he asked
“Yes, I’m here next to you,” she answered.
“And the kids?”
“We’re here, Daddy,” the youngest answered.
“Is the rest of the family here too?”
“Around your bed,” his wife assured him.
At that, Abe sits up and yells, “So why is the kitchen light on?”
********************************************
A woman went to the GP’s clinic and was seen by a new young doctor. After about four minutes in his room, she started screaming and ran out down the corridor.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him what had happened. He calmed her down and marched off to see the young GP.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked. “Mrs. Tompkins is 72 years old, she has four grown-up children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued writing his notes and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
************************************************
(Somehow I thought of Brainden when I read this and it made sense!)
Three old friends are taking a memory test. The doctor asks the first, “What’s three times three?”
“274,” he answers.
“Hmm.” The doctor turns to the second man. “What’s three times three?”
“Tuesday,” he replies.
“What’s three times three?” the doc asks the last man.
“Nine,” he answers.
“Great,” the doctor says. “How did you get that?”
“Simple. I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
**********************************************
The reputable Swiss bank gets a call from a client.
“I would like to place half a million dollars with you,” he whispers to the cashier.
“Feel free to speak up, sir,” says the cashier, “in our bank being poor is nothing to be ashamed of.”
************************************************
The owner of a men’s clothing store is very annoyed with a salesman who has not managed to sell a certain suit for a long time. Once, he comes to the store and sees that this particular suit is no longer on display. He asks a new salesman:
“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”
“Oh, I sold it this morning.”
“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”
“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his seeing-eye dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”
***********************************************
A man addressing a stewardess on the plane: “I protest! I regularly fly with you people, but I can never go to the toilet when I want to, I never get to see the film and I always get the window seat.” “Stop fooling, captain, and get ready for take-off!”
************************************************
A woman says to her husband: “Darling, last night I dreamt that on Sunday you gave me a diamond ring for my birthday. What do you think this dream could mean?” “Take it easy my dear, you’ll find out soon enough on Sunday.” So, on Sunday morning the man gives his wife a gift-wrapped package. The woman, very excited, opens it and discovers a book entitled: The Interpretation of Dreams.
Lost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, “Mush!” Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of huskies. To his surprise, the sledge comes to a stop at his feet seconds later. “I don’t know why you’re here, but thank goodness,” the man says. “I’ve been lost for days.” Panting, the Eskimo replies, “You think you’re lost?”
*************************************************
A young girl got her driving licence, and decided to take her father for a drive for the first time. He agreed, and immediately climbed into the back seat. “Why don’t you sit up in front beside me?” asked the daughter. “I’ve been waiting for this moment from the time when you were very small,” replied the father. “Now it’s my turn to sit in the back and kick the back of the driver’s seat.
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(No hard feelings Grey Cells )
“I am a cricket fan,” a first-standard teacher explains to her class. “Who likes cricket?” Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. “Rosie,” the teacher says, surprised. “Why didn’t you raise your hand?” “I’m not a cricket fan.” “Well, if you are not a cricket fan, then what game do you like?” “Football,” Rosie answers. “Why in the world are you a football fan?” “Because my mom and dad are football fans.” “That’s no reason to be a football fan,” the teacher replies, annoyed. “You don’t always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?” “A cricket fan.”
******************************************
One day a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young trophy wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquaintance asked, “How on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?” The old man whispered back, “It was easy. I told her I was 95.”
*******************************************
An atheist is walking through the forest when Big Foot jumps out at him. As he approaches menacingly, the atheist yells, “Lord, save me!” Seconds later, a voice rumbles from heaven, “I thought you didn’t believe in me.” “Well,” the man says, “until a minute ago, I didn’t believe in Big Foot either.”
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A drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.” “Ugh. Get away from me, you worthless, insufferable, no-good drunk!” she yelled. “Wow,” he said. “You even sound like her.”
****************************************
Ninety-year-old Morris goes to his GP for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the street with a gorgeous, busty young woman on his arm. “You’re really doing well, aren’t you?” he tells the elderly gent. Morris replies, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mama and be cheerful’.” “No,” says the GP. “I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur—be careful.’”
***************************************
Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. “I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle,” ventured his friend. “She did,” Jason said. “But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?”
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Three boys are bragging about their fathers. “My dad can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does.” “Well, my dad’s a hunter and he can fire his gun and be there before the bullet.” “That’s nothing,” the third boy says. “My dad works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and gets home by 3:45.”
************************************
Walking through the jungle a hunter found a dead ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, “Did you kill that rhino?” “Why, yes,” said the Pygmy. “How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?” “I killed it with my club,” explained the Pygmy. The astonished hunter exclaimed, “Wow! How big is your club?” The Pygmy replied, “Well, there are about 90 of us.”
*****************************************
Soon after winning the party nomination for a safe seat a politician dropped dead. On hearing the news, another party member moved swiftly to get the seat. He rang the party president and said, “You probably don’t know yet that old Bert is dead. Would it be all right with you if I took his place?” “Yes, that’s okay by me,” said the president, “as long as it’s okay with the undertaker.”
***********************************************
The manager called one of his employees into his office and told him, “Jenkins, I’ve decided to make you the plant manager.” “Gee, thanks, boss,” the worker gushed. “What do I have to do?” “Just water them every day,” replied the manager.
*********************************************
Late one night, a robber wearing a mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man responded, “wait a minute. I’m a politician!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money.”
************************************************
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head towards the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, “Watch the wall!”
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One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbours: “One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there’s the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall.” “You better keep away from them,” she said. “I am. I stay inside all day playing my drums.”
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While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying round the corner. As she passes him, she leans out of the window and screams “Pig!” Astonished, the man turns and shouts back, “Idiot!” Then he turns round the bend and crashes into a pig.
Question
Guest
I've been a bit low the past few days and my pals have been sending me stuff to cheer me up. I'm posting a random collection (All in one thread Rainthinker
) of what I found the funniest. I'm sorry, as there is no order to them or if any have been repeated elsewhere on this forum. I do hope it makes you smile 
A cop pulls over this guy and says, "Sir, I need you to take a breath test."
Guy says, "I can't do that. I'm asthmatic and if I do that I'll have a really big asthma attack."
"Okay, then I'll need you to come down to the station with me and I'll have to do some blood tests-just to make sure."
"Sir, I can't do that either. I'm a haemophiliac and if I do that I'll bleed to death."
"Okay, fine. Then, I need a urine sample from you."
"I can't do that either, sir. I'm sorry, but I'm a diabetic and if I do that my sugar will get really, really low."
"Okay, then why don't you step out of the car and walk on this white line for me," the officer says.
"I can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
***************************
Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school."
Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!"
To which the father answers from outside the door, "Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!"
*****************************
At a London bar, two men are sitting next to each other.
“I was listening to you speak,” says one, “and I can’t help thinking, are you from Devon?”
“Yes, I am!” says the other proudly.
“So am I!” says the first man. “Where in Devon are you from?”
“Barnstaple.”
“Me too! Which street?”
“Stanley Avenue.”
“My God, it’s a small world,” says the first man. “That’s where I grew up. Which school did you go to?”
“St Mary’s Grammar, of course,” says his companion.
“I left in 1968.”
“The good Lord must be smiling down upon us. I went to St Mary’s and left in 1968, too. Can you believe we both ended up in the same pub tonight?”
Just then, another man walks into the pub and orders a beer. The barman walks over, shaking his head.
“It’s going to be a long night,” he says. “The Hodgkins twins are drunk again.”
*********************************
In English,a double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right!
Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a lot of them.
One afternoon, an elderly couple are relaxing in front of the TV. Suddenly, the woman is overcome with lust and says to her husband, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.” “Hang on,” he replies. “I can’t do both.”
The Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?
I went to a petrified forest and all the animals were afraid of me.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. "No," the man replied. "Landmines."
What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies.
Sign in a dentist’s office : “Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You.”
First mother: “How’s your son getting on at medical school?” Second mother: “I don’t know, I can’t read his letters.”
“Mum,” said the little boy, “if I promise to be good, can I have fifty dollars?” “Why can’t you just be good for nothing, like your father?” his mother replied.
"When does the Loch Ness monster show?" the tourist asked his guide. "Usually after your fifth peg of whisky."
Did you hear about the student who flunked medical college? His handwriting was legible.
A medical research group advertised in the paper for volunteers with obsessive-compulsive disorder to take part in a study of their condition. The response was overwhelming: 300 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road? She was tired of all the jokes.
Why did the Pope cross the road? Well, He crosses everything.
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? They ended up in a tie.
A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick. Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”
Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get? All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.
Standing in the park yesterday, I was wondering why Frisbees look bigger and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
We’re told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace, Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his inventing by the light of an oil lamp. Didn’t any of these guys ever think of working during the day?
*******************************
A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, “You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl.” Snapped the harassed shop assistant, “I’m sorry about that but I’m serving as fast as I can.”
********************************
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a very serious problem. I only hear half of everything.”
“That can’t be,” answers the doctor. “Either you can hear everything or you can’t hear anything. Let’s see. Repeat after me: ninety-six.”
“Forty-eight,” says the man.
*********************************
Joe couldn’t take much more of his blind date. Luckily, he had arranged for a friend to ring the restaurant at nine with an excuse for him to leave.
Sure enough, he was called to the phone on the hour, and returned to tell his date, “I’ve got to go. My father’s died.”
“Thank heavens for that,” the date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to.”
*********************************
“The chemist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband. Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the store to defend his wife.
“Listen to my side!” the chemist pleaded. “First, my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then my car had a puncture. “When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of coins, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backwards, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”
**********************************
As a policeman writes out a ticket for speeding, the driver gets furious: “What the hell do I do with your ticket?”
“Keep it,” advises the policeman. “When you collect twelve, you’ll get a bicycle!”
***********************************
Scurrying through the aisles of a supermarket, two men accidentally bump into each other.
“I’m sorry,” says one of them, “but I’m looking for my wife.”
“What a coincidence!” says the other. “I’m looking for my wife too.”
“Maybe I can help you,” says the first man. “What does your wife look like?”
“She’s tall, has light brown hair, shapely legs, a firm bust and a great body.”
“Forget about my wife,” says the first man. “Let’s go look for yours!”
************************************
A couple of lawyers walk into a diner, order drinks and pull lunches from their briefcases.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t eat your own food here.”
The guys look at each other, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
***************************************
A Czech goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters “CZWXNQSTACZ”.
“Can you read this?” he asks.
“Read it?” the Czech replies, “He's my best friend!”
*****************************************
Visiting the aquarium during feeding time, a hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, “You know, I could hypnotize that shark.”
“You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb,” the feeder said, laughing. “But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest.”
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
“I thought you could hypnotize him,” sneered the feeder.
“I did,” the hypnotist said, holding his arm. “Now he thinks he’s an alligator.”
***************************************
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”
******************************************
“Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” the teacher asked her seventh-standard students. Everyone but John raised a hand to answer.
“Do you know, John?” she asked.
“I don't know and I don't care!” the boy yelled, arms crossed. “Stop asking me stupid questions.”
Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a meeting.
“What's the problem?” John's dad asked when he arrived. “Why is my son in detention?”
“I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn't know and didn't care, and told me to stop asking him questions,” she said.
Furious, the man grabbed John by the collar. “What's your problem, son?” he shouted. “If you killed the man, just say so.”
*******************************************
A pale-looking man staggers into a pub and sits down at the bar. The barman looks at him nervously and says, “What can I get you?” The man says, “Set me up with ten double shots of your best whisky.”
The barman does this and the man gulps them down one after another, until he’s knocked back the lot in under a minute. Concerned, the barman asks why he’s hitting the bottle so hard.
“You’d drink this fast if you’d got what I’ve got,” the man says, staring sadly into his empty glass.
Wondering what this terrible affliction could be, the barman asks, “What have you got?”
The man replies, “About 4$.”
*********************************************
One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservative co-worker was wearing an earring.
“I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff,” he said to his friend.
“It’s not a big deal,” the guy said. “It’s just an earring.”
“How long have you been wearing it?”
“Since my wife found it in my car last week.”
************************************************
Ignoring the concerns of friends and family that she’s too old to cope, a 70-year-old uses fertility treatment to give birth to a baby boy. After she leaves hospital, her relatives come to call.
“Let’s have a look at him, then,” they say.
“Not yet,” the 70-year-old replies.
Assuming he must be asleep, the relatives wait an hour then ask again, “Can we see him now?”
“Not yet,” the pensioner replies.
Two hours pass. “Surely we can see him now?” the relatives ask.
“No,” says the woman.
“So when exactly can we see him?” exclaim the relatives, growing suspicious.
“When he cries,” replies the woman.
“Why do we have to wait until he cries?”
“Because I’ve forgotten where I put him.”
*******************************************
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine, tailored suit.
“That’s really nice,” says Bill. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” says the man, “I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces.”
“Wow, were you a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.
“No, I was the captain of the Titanic.”
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. “How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, get a crummy little house?” he asks.
“We use Windows too,” says Saint Peter. “And the Titanic only crashed once.”
**********************************************
An electrician is interviewing for a construction job.
“Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and make it pop back on your head?” the supervisor asks.
“Sure,” he replies, confused.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the concrete, spin in a circle and catch it in your tool pouch?”
“Yes, sir,” he answers excitedly.
“And can you quick-draw your wire stripper, twirl it and slip it into your pouch like it’s a holster?”
“I’ve been doing that for years!”
“In that case, I can’t use you,” the boss says. “I’ve already got 15 guys doing that now.”
***************************************************
Three active boys and their mother were playing cops and robbers in the park. One boy yelled “Bang! You’re dead!” as he “shot” his mother. She slumped to the ground and a passer-by was worried when she didn't get up.
Fearing she may have hurt herself in the fall, he hurried over and asked, “Are you OK? The mother opened one eye and whispered, “Don't give me away. This is the only rest I’ve had all day.”
***************************************************
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
“Okay,” his date replied.
“What will you tell your Sunday school class?” he asked, shocked.
“The same thing I always tell them. ‘You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.’ ”
*****************************************************
Having raised donkeys for years, an old farmer discovered an unusually intelligent animal. He remembered stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves. Thinking his donkey was smarter than any horse, he went a step further and taught him to multiply and divide.
The farmer, sure the public would pay to see his amazing donkey, sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal's mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart a**.
******************************************************8
Leading a buffalo on a rope, a man walks into a café, sits his shotgun on the counter and orders coffee. After drinking it in one gulp, he blasts the buffalo with the gun and leaves.
He returns the next morning, gun and buffalo in tow. “Coffee, please.”
“We’re still cleaning from yesterday,” the waiter replies. “What was that about, anyway?”
Smiling proudly, the man says, “I’m training for upper management. I come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day.”
**********************************************************
The MP droned on and on despite repeated warnings from the Speaker of the House that his time was up. Finally the Speaker gave up banging his gavel and threw it at the offender. It missed and hit another parliamentarian on the head.
As he fell to the floor semiconscious, he summoned enough strength to call out, “Hit me again! I can still hear him!”
***************************************************
The Rabbi and the Catholic priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but you just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and have some?”
The Rabbi looked at his friend with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
*****************************************************
Catching sight of a car without a driver as it starts to roll out of the car park, a woman tears open the door, jumps in and puts on the handbrake. When she gets out she sees that a man is standing beside the car. She calls out by way of explanation, “I put on the handbrake because the car was moving.” “I know,"glared the man," I was pushing it.”
************************************************
Bored with his job, a man decides to act crazy so that his boss will give him a few days off. He hangs upside-down from the ceiling, making funny buzzing noises, and tells a female colleague that he’s a light bulb.
She calls the boss who duly believes that the man must be suffering from stress and sends him home until he’s feeling better.
As the man walks out of the door, the female colleague follows.
“Where are you going?” says the boss.
“I’m off home, too,” she says. “There’s no way I’m working in the dark.”
****************************************************
The new family in the neighbourhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. Though late for work, her father had to drive her to classes, following her directions.
The trip took 20 minutes round a number of turns, yet the school proved to be just a short distance from their home. Annoyed, the father asked his daughter why she had given such directions.
"That's the only way I know, Daddy," she explained. "That's how the school bus goes."
***********************************************
Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over to get some sleep. He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock on the window.
He opened his eyes to a jogger, who asked, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?"
"It's 8:10."
"Thanks," he replied, running off. The man had just dozed off again when there was another knock.
"What time is it?" asked a hiker.
"8:25."
Fed up, the man put a sign in his window that read "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"
Knock, knock! He was suddenly awakened again.
Scowling, the man rolled down the window. "What?" he yelled at the Boy Scout standing there.
"It's 8:45."
*************************************************
Stingy Abe was on his deathbed. “Is my wife here?” he asked
“Yes, I’m here next to you,” she answered.
“And the kids?”
“We’re here, Daddy,” the youngest answered.
“Is the rest of the family here too?”
“Around your bed,” his wife assured him.
At that, Abe sits up and yells, “So why is the kitchen light on?”
********************************************
A woman went to the GP’s clinic and was seen by a new young doctor. After about four minutes in his room, she started screaming and ran out down the corridor.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him what had happened. He calmed her down and marched off to see the young GP.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked. “Mrs. Tompkins is 72 years old, she has four grown-up children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued writing his notes and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
************************************************
(Somehow I thought of Brainden when I read this and it made sense!)
Three old friends are taking a memory test. The doctor asks the first, “What’s three times three?”
“274,” he answers.
“Hmm.” The doctor turns to the second man. “What’s three times three?”
“Tuesday,” he replies.
“What’s three times three?” the doc asks the last man.
“Nine,” he answers.
“Great,” the doctor says. “How did you get that?”
“Simple. I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
**********************************************
The reputable Swiss bank gets a call from a client.
“I would like to place half a million dollars with you,” he whispers to the cashier.
“Feel free to speak up, sir,” says the cashier, “in our bank being poor is nothing to be ashamed of.”
************************************************
The owner of a men’s clothing store is very annoyed with a salesman who has not managed to sell a certain suit for a long time. Once, he comes to the store and sees that this particular suit is no longer on display. He asks a new salesman:
“Where is that terrible suit? What have you done with it?”
“Oh, I sold it this morning.”
“What?! How did you manage that? What did the buyer say?”
“Well, he didn’t say anything, but his seeing-eye dog kicked up a terrible fuss…”
***********************************************
A man addressing a stewardess on the plane: “I protest! I regularly fly with you people, but I can never go to the toilet when I want to, I never get to see the film and I always get the window seat.” “Stop fooling, captain, and get ready for take-off!”
************************************************
A woman says to her husband: “Darling, last night I dreamt that on Sunday you gave me a diamond ring for my birthday. What do you think this dream could mean?” “Take it easy my dear, you’ll find out soon enough on Sunday.” So, on Sunday morning the man gives his wife a gift-wrapped package. The woman, very excited, opens it and discovers a book entitled: The Interpretation of Dreams.
***************************************************
Lost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, “Mush!” Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of huskies. To his surprise, the sledge comes to a stop at his feet seconds later. “I don’t know why you’re here, but thank goodness,” the man says. “I’ve been lost for days.” Panting, the Eskimo replies, “You think you’re lost?”
*************************************************
A young girl got her driving licence, and decided to take her father for a drive for the first time. He agreed, and immediately climbed into the back seat. “Why don’t you sit up in front beside me?” asked the daughter. “I’ve been waiting for this moment from the time when you were very small,” replied the father. “Now it’s my turn to sit in the back and kick the back of the driver’s seat.
****************************************
(No hard feelings Grey Cells
)
“I am a cricket fan,” a first-standard teacher explains to her class. “Who likes cricket?” Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. “Rosie,” the teacher says, surprised. “Why didn’t you raise your hand?” “I’m not a cricket fan.” “Well, if you are not a cricket fan, then what game do you like?” “Football,” Rosie answers. “Why in the world are you a football fan?” “Because my mom and dad are football fans.” “That’s no reason to be a football fan,” the teacher replies, annoyed. “You don’t always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?” “A cricket fan.”
******************************************
One day a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young trophy wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquaintance asked, “How on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?” The old man whispered back, “It was easy. I told her I was 95.”
*******************************************
An atheist is walking through the forest when Big Foot jumps out at him. As he approaches menacingly, the atheist yells, “Lord, save me!” Seconds later, a voice rumbles from heaven, “I thought you didn’t believe in me.” “Well,” the man says, “until a minute ago, I didn’t believe in Big Foot either.”
****************************************
A drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.” “Ugh. Get away from me, you worthless, insufferable, no-good drunk!” she yelled. “Wow,” he said. “You even sound like her.”
****************************************
Ninety-year-old Morris goes to his GP for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the street with a gorgeous, busty young woman on his arm. “You’re really doing well, aren’t you?” he tells the elderly gent. Morris replies, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mama and be cheerful’.” “No,” says the GP. “I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur—be careful.’”
***************************************
Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. “I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle,” ventured his friend. “She did,” Jason said. “But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?”
****************************************
Three boys are bragging about their fathers. “My dad can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does.” “Well, my dad’s a hunter and he can fire his gun and be there before the bullet.” “That’s nothing,” the third boy says. “My dad works for the government. He stops working at 4:30 and gets home by 3:45.”
************************************
Walking through the jungle a hunter found a dead ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, “Did you kill that rhino?” “Why, yes,” said the Pygmy. “How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?” “I killed it with my club,” explained the Pygmy. The astonished hunter exclaimed, “Wow! How big is your club?” The Pygmy replied, “Well, there are about 90 of us.”
*****************************************
Soon after winning the party nomination for a safe seat a politician dropped dead. On hearing the news, another party member moved swiftly to get the seat. He rang the party president and said, “You probably don’t know yet that old Bert is dead. Would it be all right with you if I took his place?” “Yes, that’s okay by me,” said the president, “as long as it’s okay with the undertaker.”
***********************************************
The manager called one of his employees into his office and told him, “Jenkins, I’ve decided to make you the plant manager.” “Gee, thanks, boss,” the worker gushed. “What do I have to do?” “Just water them every day,” replied the manager.
*********************************************
Late one night, a robber wearing a mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man responded, “wait a minute. I’m a politician!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money.”
************************************************
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head towards the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, “Watch the wall!”
*******************************************
One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbours: “One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there’s the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall.” “You better keep away from them,” she said. “I am. I stay inside all day playing my drums.”
******************************************
While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying round the corner. As she passes him, she leans out of the window and screams “Pig!” Astonished, the man turns and shouts back, “Idiot!” Then he turns round the bend and crashes into a pig.
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