[Guest]

This is for people to write any poems or short stories that they can think of. The only limitation is your mind (and the rules of Brainden). Nothing inapropriate and no swears. People are encouraged to give constructive critisism to stories and poems that are posted here. Also you have to post original work, nothing that has already been written (der). Have fun :) .

Edited June 12, 2008 by giterdone

[Guest]

i dont - is that bad??

No, that's not bad....I was talking about tears......"woe and pity" "yet relieving" "liquid"

[Guest]

Here is another lethargic attempt...

A dose of darkness covered the night,

As the tempestous wind gave sounds of fright.

But an elevated savior shown ever so bright,

Guiding the blind wanderer to give him sight.

short one...

[andromeda]

No, that's not bad....I was talking about tears......"woe and pity" "yet relieving" "liquid"

OMG I was thinking about blood and I don't even play mafia games

To many zombie movies <_<

[itachi-san]

I drift along a path of sorrow

not caring about today or tomorrow ~I would leave out references to 'today' or 'the present' and focus on how you don't care about tomorrow

and there is a stinging mist

that slides along, that slowly drifts ~ I wouldn't repeat 'that'. Maybe 'sliding along, it slowly drifts'

This is my sadness that i see ~the 'is' and 'my/me' repetition is a bit cumbersome ~All the sadness that I see

Is suspended in front of me

A light white small - blue tint ~maybe 'a light, white, small' or 'a light, white and small' just to get the pauses right

and then the suprising coldness hits

It's just like me, the rainy tears ~not a fan of 'rainy' for the description

That i cry throughout my years

I go to the side of of the path

and let go by the icy wrath ~not seeing the imagery in this stanza, maybe my fault though. I'd suggest describing the path more in prior stanzas. It could still be abstract, just so we know what the 'side' is and the 'icy wrath'

I know i need to let it go ~this implies you're holding it, yet the next line implies you're not

And yet i want to chase it so

Becuase it is a part of me

It is what people see

I cannot stop the sad

until i get rid of the bad ~I think you should develop the last four lines a bit more. They don't fit well with the tempo of the rest of the poem. If that was intended, it is still a bit clunky.

So to my friends please help me now

Ill help you later when there's a cry of "Yow!" ~I don't know about the last few words. Ending with an exclamatory like that takes a lot away from the mood IMO. I suggest: 'I'll help you later when I know how.' or 'I'll return the favor when I know how' since they probably couldn't help if they needed help themselves at the moment

By Jenny

(I just cranked this out in 5 minutes, so tell me what's bad)

I really liked this Jenny! so please take this as constructive criticism You seem to want some, so here it is This poem is very nicely done (before my input) btw and fast too. I like to write/sketch spur of the moment as well.

Oh, and cheer up! :) :) :)

[peace*out]

I drift along a path of sorrow

not caring about how i feel tomorrow

and there is a stinging mist

that slides along, that slowly drifts

All the sadness that i see

Is suspended in front of me

A a light, white, small tint

and then the suprising coldness hits

It's just like me, the falling tears

That i cryed throughout my years

I quickly run to the side of of the path

to let go by that icy wrath

I know i need to let it go by

And yet now I want to cry

Becuase the ice is a part of me

It's what people happen to see

I know I cannot stop the sad

until i get rid of all the bad

So to my friends please help me now

Ill help you later when I know how

Quote from Itachi-

I really liked this Jenny! so please take this as constructive criticism wink.gif You seem to want some, so here it is This poem is very nicely done (before my input) btw and fast too. I like to write/sketch spur of the moment as well.

Oh, and cheer up! :):):)

Thanks!! Thats what i wanted, and i needed it!! Ill try to cheer up - I was reading the suggestions, and at the end of above ^^, I laughed - right out loud!! thanks!!

[itachi-san]

Thanks!! Thats what i wanted, and i needed it!! Ill try to cheer up - I was reading the suggestions, and at the end of above ^^, I laughed - right out loud!! thanks!!

Glad to hear it

[Guest]

Following is a poem I wrote some time back

The Quest

Inside the flower sleeps the dew

Dreaming a change to nectar or hue,

But departs like a forlorn tear drop

When the flower blooms in the morning.

Dejection derives little comfort

From the coolness of tears that follow,

But within the flash of an eyelid come

Waves and waves of wants again.

To know the mind that churns out hopes,

Come to me, together we search for the truth.

You rejoice in the evenings, by –

Viewing the colourful Sunset with joy,

But in the horizon, the lap of sky and sea,

The Sun is slowly slipping to death.

Sky changes red with pensive pain,

Sea darkens knowing the imminent,

Waves cry and hit the shores,

Melancholy pervades like darkness, slowly.

Why is it that you can’t comprehend?

The pain in this bereavement.

Where is the mind imbibed in compassion?

Come to me, together we search for the path.

D.Sudheeran

Singapore . 2/2/06

Edited December 24, 2008 by sudheeran

[Guest]

Late for Christmas, but I want to maybe give it as a gift to some people so please help me revise. Criticize away

What Are These Christmas Things I See?

A pillar of leaves laced in silver, red and gold

Footwear, stuffed and lumpy, hung high

Light gushing down from tiny splinters

Dancing orange leaves nobody cold

Celebratory festivities from morn until nigh

Rusted nuts roast in the chill of Winter

Venetian red and magnolia swirl in hooks

A myrtle ring with frosted asparagus prickles

Crisp waterfowl is placed on its own platter

Merry children serenade from ornate books

Alice blue berries cause kisses, so fickle

The crying, happy, ’cause nothing’s the matter

[peace*out]

That's pretty!!!

I like it, but you could shorten the title if you wanted too...just an idea...

[Guest]

Sadness

When the days seem mellow~

And the sun not yellow~

When all is blue~

You haven't a clue~

Up to the sky~

You look, and wonder why~

The stars seem so bright~

Drifting away at night~

Stars into light~

Light into sight~

Sight to look, to feel~

To wonder if anything is real.

~RmZ

*just made it up

Edited January 3, 2009 by Riddle Master Zack

[Guest]

I got another one

Do not stand at my grave and weep~

I am in the air, I do not sleep~

I am the wind, blowing cold in the air~

Not a thought in the world, I do not care~

Mayhap anything that happens to me~

I do not care, for I cannot see~

I am shut in the sepulcher below~

I am what makes the color white in snow~

Put me in the cold and rain~

I do not care, for I am dead and feel no pain~

Full of joy, full of sorrow~

Cannot wait and reach tomorrow~

For me, time stands still~

While others can run, climb of a hill~

Magical things ponder and soar~

When I was alive, it was blood and gore~

People wait and look to the sky~

And think I am dead, and they start to cry~

My soul lives on, in thought, I say~

I feel that the Creator would have it that way~

I am earth now, and I cannot change my fate~

I can only sit there, and wait~

People change, over the days~

While I sit there, the effect of low income and pays~

Why are you over my grave, I say~

I thought you knew, it was better that way~

I have not a worry in the earth~

While my children live on, a result of my birth~

Food and water, delight and entertainment~

Here in my sepulcher, only containment~

Through the fire and ice, we shall grow~

To ponder which we do not know~

As a results of my days long past~

I figure I wasn’t made to last~

The early days of summer and spring~

Contain my sorrow, an endless cold ring~

Do not stand over my grave and cry~

In your hearts I did not die.

[peace*out]

ok, this isn't a rhyming one but here goes...

a bird flies

a crow calls

then a still quiet comes over

like mist

like a foggy cloud

like dry raindrops

there, but unseen

a leaf rustles

a tree creaks

then a still quiet comes over

like dew

like a creaping catterpillar

like a flying butterfly

there, but unseen

the world wakes

the noise starts

then a still quiet comes over

like nothing

like the power's turned off

like everyone's sleeping

there, but unseen...

[Guest]

Alone i felt, empty i see

taste i take rich, i smell nothing

hearing heard silent

abuse i take, respect i give

shame i take with pride

protect i give with glory

stand in dark wandering

unknown to me, other upto my side

i have friends unknown to me

i am not alone anymore

love was found

still pain i take care

suicide, i desire, life unknow to me

respect i shaken got

emotions gone as death take me

miraclely, death let me live

unknown for future, i stand unshamed

people upto my side, i stand unashamed

people who love me, give me strength

i walk alone no more

[Guest]

Okay, I'll go with the beginning of a story. Bear in mind, whoever reads this first will be the first person other than me. I've never had criticism, and I'd like some. Thanks.

Prologue

“How is she?”

Braxton glanced up at Lindsay, and it sent a shudder through her. His eyes were sleepless and hollow. Had he slept at all in the last few days?

“No change,” he whispered. His voice cracked with anxiety. She put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly for a second before walking to Amanda’s bedside. Her hair was still caked with dirt and her lips stained with blood. She looked like she was sleeping, almost. Her face still wore that same nervous look that it always had. She couldn’t possibly be so close to death that it was a day-to-day struggle, could she?

“She can’t die,” Lindsay said quietly, unsurely. And then, more confidently: “She can’t die. I lost Madeline. I can’t loose her. That’s not fair. She’s not going to die.”

Braxton gave her a look that let her know she sounded just as insane as she thought. “This isn’t a storybook, Lindsay,” he reminded her with a certain degree of acid in his voice. “This is life. There’s no hard and fast rule that the good guys live and the bad guys die. She could die. Of course she might wake up, today or tomorrow or a month from now. But there’s a much bigger chance she won’t.”

Lindsay sank down in a chair, head in her hands. “How did this happen to us?”

---

*cue flashback*

Edit: Apparently there's no tab key in brainden

Edited February 26, 2009 by Kay

[Guest]

Okay, I'll go with the beginning of a story. Bear in mind, whoever reads this first will be the first person other than me. I've never had criticism, and I'd like some. Thanks.

Prologue

“How is she?”

Braxton glanced up at Lindsay, and it sent a shudder through her. His eyes were sleepless and hollow. Had he slept at all in the last few days?

“No change,” he whispered. His voice cracked with anxiety. She put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly for a second before walking to Amanda’s bedside. Her hair was still caked with dirt and her lips stained with blood. She looked like she was sleeping, almost. Her face still wore that same nervous look that it always had. She couldn’t possibly be so close to death that it was a day-to-day struggle, could she?

“She can’t die,” Lindsay said quietly, unsurely. And then, more confidently: “She can’t die. I lost Madeline. I can’t loose her. That’s not fair. She’s not going to die.”

Braxton gave her a look that let her know she sounded just as insane as she thought. “This isn’t a storybook, Lindsay,” he reminded her with a certain degree of acid in his voice. “This is life. There’s no hard and fast rule that the good guys live and the bad guys die. She could die. Of course she might wake up, today or tomorrow or a month from now. But there’s a much bigger chance she won’t.”

Lindsay sank down in a chair, head in her hands. “How did this happen to us?”

---

*cue flashback*

Edit: Apparently there's no tab key in brainden

i am actually interested in more of this, i am a writer myself and is very shy about it. but i rather enjoy ur prologue, keep it up

[peace*out]

Okay, I'll go with the beginning of a story. Bear in mind, whoever reads this first will be the first person other than me. I've never had criticism, and I'd like some. Thanks.

Prologue

“How is she?”

Braxton glanced up at Lindsay, and it sent a shudder through her. His eyes were sleepless and hollow. Had he slept at all in the last few days?

“No change,” he whispered. His voice cracked with anxiety. She put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly for a second before walking to Amanda’s bedside. Her hair was still caked with dirt and her lips stained with blood. She looked like she was sleeping, almost. Her face still wore that same nervous look that it always had. She couldn’t possibly be so close to death that it was a day-to-day struggle, could she?

“She can’t die,” Lindsay said quietly, unsurely. And then, more confidently: “She can’t die. I lost Madeline. I can’t loose her. That’s not fair. She’s not going to die.”

Braxton gave her a look that let her know she sounded just as insane as she thought. “This isn’t a storybook, Lindsay,” he reminded her with a certain degree of acid in his voice. “This is life. There’s no hard and fast rule that the good guys live and the bad guys die. She could die. Of course she might wake up, today or tomorrow or a month from now. But there’s a much bigger chance she won’t.”

Lindsay sank down in a chair, head in her hands. “How did this happen to us?”

---

*cue flashback*

Edit: Apparently there's no tab key in brainden

i like it!!!!!

[Guest]

Okay, I'll go with the beginning of a story. Bear in mind, whoever reads this first will be the first person other than me. I've never had criticism, and I'd like some. Thanks.

Prologue

“How is she?”

Braxton glanced up at Lindsay, and it sent a shudder through her. His eyes were sleepless and hollow. Had he slept at all in the last few days?

“No change,” he whispered. His voice cracked with anxiety. She put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly for a second before walking to Amanda’s bedside. Her hair was still caked with dirt and her lips stained with blood. She looked like she was sleeping, almost. Her face still wore that same nervous look that it always had. She couldn’t possibly be so close to death that it was a day-to-day struggle, could she?

“She can’t die,” Lindsay said quietly, unsurely. And then, more confidently: “She can’t die. I lost Madeline. I can’t loose her. That’s not fair. She’s not going to

die.”

Braxton gave her a look that let her know she sounded just as insane as she thought. “This isn’t a storybook, Lindsay,” he reminded her with a certain degree of acid in his voice. “This is life. There’s no hard and fast rule that the good guys live and the bad guys die. She could die. Of course she might wake up, today or tomorrow or a month from now. But there’s a much bigger chance she won’t.”

Lindsay sank down in a chair, head in her hands. “How did this happen to us?”

---

*cue flashback*

I really liked reading this, Kay, especially how it set's the scene but doesn't tell you every detail. The way it's written: the story's been crafted really well, esp. the very effective use of adjectives and adverbs. One point i thought could be improved upon is the bolded sentence - i thought it was a bit wordy, and for me, it didn't really feel like it fit with the rest of the paragraph, but other than that, i reckon it was pretty good

[Guest]

Thanks everyone.

[Guest]

Wow Kay, I loved that o.O It was really well written...erm...but this is a poetry topic? Maybe a new topic for story writing

<(^-^)>

[Guest]

Wow Kay, I loved that o.O It was really well written...erm...but this is a poetry topic? Maybe a new topic for story writing

<(^-^)>

The first post says short-stories are allowed to.

[Guest]

The first post says short-stories are allowed to.

My bad...just a suggestion...I'm sure there are more writers on Brainden who'd love a writing topic...

<(^-^)>

Edited February 27, 2009 by Kathleen

[Guest]

my darkness and light

my darkness came as i cut my wrists

my sister's scream was heard

my mom sob in tears

my dad panic in phone

my brother slept as a newborn

lastly i see light

i thought pleasure

taken alive, i felt alone

drugs and alcohol i contiune

darkness contiune to haunt me

free i long to

pain i desire

black lung grew

finally i freed

seven month i work

sweat comes

dreams come

reunion grew

closure come to close

love was found

i am at peace

for i am alive and free

what do you think anyone? feel free to critize me

[Guest]

my darkness and light

my darkness came as i cut my wrists

my sister's scream was heard

my mom sob in tears

my dad panic in phone

my brother slept as a newborn

lastly i see light

i thought pleasure

taken alive, i felt alone

drugs and alcohol i contiune

darkness contiune to haunt me

free i long to

pain i desire

black lung grew

finally i freed

seven month i work

sweat comes

dreams come

reunion grew

closure come to close

love was found

i am at peace

for i am alive and free

what do you think anyone? feel free to critize me

Deep

[Guest]

my darkness and light

my darkness came as i cut my wrists

my sister's scream was heard

my mom sob in tears

my dad panic in phone

my brother slept as a newborn

lastly i see light

i thought pleasure

taken alive, i felt alone

drugs and alcohol i contiune

darkness contiune to haunt me

free i long to

pain i desire

black lung grew

finally i freed

seven month i work

sweat comes

dreams come

reunion grew

closure come to close

love was found

i am at peace

for i am alive and free

what do you think anyone? feel free to critize me

I like it! It was very emotional.

[Guest]

My brother Pw0nzd actually wrote these, but I think they should be shared with everyone :

The Sea Cave

Those walls do sparkle with waving color

And move to the motion of the endless wave

Stirred into dancing by the ocean mother

For while a cave can be as dark as the grave

The Ocean enters with untold presence

And casts its shimmers with glowing resonance

A slight dip and the dark flows along

Then with a rise back up its shine is restored

The patterns dance with grace and song

With the endless rhythm of the boat that’s moored

For all of it knows a great and special dance

That allows it to flow with untold beauty and romance

I know for all that gleaming luster could not be stored

Within the reaching grasp of the lovers hold

As the stone gazes on it shall never grow bored

For this reflection of perfection will begin to take hold

And from within the mind reaches out a soul

That takes all the knowledge into its collective bowl

A simplistic imperfection will make of the end

Of this grand and total tribute to deep seclusion

A wave hits the wall but the stone cannot bend

And it cracks and leaves a collapsed protrusion

For the walls there once sparkled with waving color

But now there is none but a dim light smothered

Death and Dusk

It is this dancing but faltering light

That goes and descends us into the night

All that swiftness is lost to time

As the endless silence ceases to rhyme

The puffs and wisps turn to blood

And the darkness pours in like a flood

One last flash until it fades

Leaving this earth unto the grave