LOLz! Well, I guess there's only one way to try to make Uberfaith evolve in the right directions.
And Obama and his followers did cross the lands on their pilgrimage. And on the day of St. Patrick, they entered into a county which was dry. There was much moaning and wailing, and Obama stood before his followers and instructed them: “It is heinous that we on this night are in a dry county. But weep not; instead go forth and bring me water, the purest that you can find, so it may be blessed for this night.” His followers went forth to do as he commanded. Many sought the nearby ocean and returned with brine, but a faithful few journeyed far to a freshwater stream and returned with water most pure. When they all had gathered before the dramaless one, he spoke a benediction, and behold! Those who had with them brine found that it had become Bud Light. On that most holy night they did party and they did get buzzed, albeit on swill, and did suffer under the hangover. But those faithful few who brought back water most pure, behold!, they were blessed with Sam Adams. And they enjoyed their drink, and were not the least bit groggy the following morning. And Barack spoke: “Listen, before thou art hammered. Just as with this booze, so too the life after this will rock for those who rock in this realm, and be mediocre for those who here art half-a**ed.” And the followers cried “Amen” and became wasted.
A follower approached him and asked: “When thou leave us, and we find ourselves among women chopped into many pieces, how shall we know which piece to choose?” And Obama revealed: “This night, you have seen your charge. Go forth, and accomplish great things. Those which drive you to do so, they are your friends. Those which tell you to relax, they will bring you nothing better than mediocrity. Those which tell you to understand the world, they will bring you great things. Those which mock the wise, they will not enjoy the fruits of those whose efforts they spurn. Those which despise their fellow man, by God above they will be despised, and so they will not get plasma screen TVs in the life to come but will get 16 inch sets, and they will have to watch the commercials.”
You're gonna have to get us started on some Socratic stories, unreality!