Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 (edited) To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas ,which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with an unlicensed potato peeler. 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of Nancies). Don't try rugby - the Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their d eliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.) Edited November 1, 2008 by Lost in space Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 peace*out Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 This is funny............im now kinda scared about the unlicensend potato peeler.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Funny! ...Not true though, right? Please say it's not true...PLEASE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 grey cells Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Hey! Welcome back, LIS! America experiencing good ol' British Raj? Wonder who got this brainwave! You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries. : The only problem is there is no sting left to take out. Team India was involved in that job and I must say, they did a pretty thorough job of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 grey cells Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Funny! ...Not true though, right? Please say it's not true...PLEASE! Sorry to say, It was just confirmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. Who knew they were so interested? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Izzy Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Ahahaha. The English have lost before, but with our government being the sh*ite it is and our troops in Iraq... Welcome your majesty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 peace*out Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 I want a unlicenced potato peeler......sorry - potatuo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 I want a unlicenced potato peeler......sorry - potatuo lol... that was one of the worst jokes ever. But it was so bad it made me laugh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 peace*out Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 me?? or the original post?? if it's me, then i made someone laugh!!! :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 me?? or the original post?? if it's me, then i made someone laugh!!! :D :D You with your unliscensed potatuo peeler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Well doi, doesn't everyone add "U"s in words like colour? Oh wait that's only Canada <_< <(^-^)> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Well doi, doesn't everyone add "U"s in words like colour? Oh wait that's only Canada <_< <(^-^)> No thats the entire english speaking colonies of the world apart from America... Always one that has to be different Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 peace*out Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Well doi, doesn't everyone add "U"s in words like colour? Oh wait that's only Canada <_< <(^-^)> color color color color color color color Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 colour colour colour colour colour colour colour Much better <(^-^)> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 peace*out Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 colour color color color color color color Much better <(^-^)> your right - spelling it without a u is better!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 your right - spelling it without a u is better!! you missed the first one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 3, 2008 Report Share Posted November 3, 2008 ha so funny, LIS but it forgot the adding of "a"s and "o"s wherever humanly possible before "e"s. like in "paediatrics" and "amoeba" and "encyclopaedia" I think US spelling of words is easier sometimes but UK spelling is more traditional so i think i prefer the UK stuff. except the words "sceptical" and "anaemic", I like how they're spelt in the states. what rules to other english-speaking countries tend to follow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 3, 2008 Report Share Posted November 3, 2008 ha so funny, LIS but it forgot the adding of "a"s and "o"s wherever humanly possible before "e"s. like in "paediatrics" and "amoeba" and "encyclopaedia" I think US spelling of words is easier sometimes but UK spelling is more traditional so i think i prefer the UK stuff. except the words "sceptical" and "anaemic", I like how they're spelt in the states. what rules to other english-speaking countries tend to follow? OMG LEMONEYMELON!!!!!!!! YOUR TAKING OVER THE WOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLD!!!!!!!!!! *RUNS AROUND AND SCREAMS* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted November 3, 2008 Report Share Posted November 3, 2008 OMG LEMONEYMELON!!!!!!!! YOUR TAKING OVER THE WOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLD!!!!!!!!!! *RUNS AROUND AND SCREAMS* *backs very slowly away from Blade* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 *bump* Im using some of these for an extremely cynical english speech We have to spend 10 mins talking about something we feel strrongly about, so I thought something along the lines of "The incompetence of American presidents " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Report Share Posted January 29, 2009 *bump* Im using some of these for an extremely cynical english speech We have to spend 10 mins talking about something we feel strrongly about, so I thought something along the lines of "The incompetence of American presidents " lol tell me how that turns out... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 I honour english spelling. Oh - and colour colour colour colour colour colour colour Up Kathleen!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0 Guest Posted April 27, 2009 Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Well doi, doesn't everyone add "U"s in words like colour? Oh wait that's only Canada <_< <(^-^)> I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Question
Guest
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas ,which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will
let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with an unlicensed potato peeler.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
Nancies). Don't try rugby - the Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take
the sting out of their d eliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with
a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
Edited by Lost in spaceLink to comment
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