[itachi-san]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you ?"

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do splits?"

He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Fridays".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

When I saw a ship load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, "Get out, we don't want your type in here".

A man entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Guest]

Those are corney...but great.

I agree!! :lol:

[itachi-san]

commencing corniness:

Two cows are standing in a field. One says "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse."

Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A snail slides into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about not serving snails, so he throws him out. A week later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Teacher: "what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Student: "What do you think it is?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Student: "I don't think I know either"

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug

Doctor: 'You are very sick'

Patient: 'Can I get a second opinion?'

Doctor: 'Hmm. Well, you're not very attractive either'

Bill: 'I know a man with a wooden leg named Robert'

Burt: 'What does he call his real leg?'

a family of mice were surprised by a big cat. the father yelled: "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" "Well son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

a skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a scotch and a mop

i used to be a werewolf, but i'm much better noooooooooooow!

father: what's the point of having a train schedule if it's always late?

son: how would you know it's late then?

Teacher: conjugate 'to walk' in simple present tense

Student: umm. i walk... umm... you walk

Teacher: faster!

Student: umm. i run... umm... you run

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?

Student: Well...yes and no.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, don't worry. It's not hot.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Student: can i go to the bathroom?

Teacher: may i go to the bathroom?

Student: hey! i asked first!

[Guest]

commencing corniness:

Two cows are standing in a field. One says "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse."

Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A snail slides into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about not serving snails, so he throws him out. A week later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Teacher: "what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Student: "What do you think it is?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Student: "I don't think I know either"

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug

Doctor: 'You are very sick'

Patient: 'Can I get a second opinion?'

Doctor: 'Hmm. Well, you're not very attractive either'

Bill: 'I know a man with a wooden leg named Robert'

Burt: 'What does he call his real leg?'

a family of mice were surprised by a big cat. the father yelled: "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" "Well son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

a skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a scotch and a mop

i used to be a werewolf, but i'm much better noooooooooooow!

father: what's the point of having a train schedule if it's always late?

son: how would you know it's late then?

Teacher: conjugate 'to walk' in simple present tense

Student: umm. i walk... umm... you walk

Teacher: faster!

Student: umm. i run... umm... you run

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?

Student: Well...yes and no.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, don't worry. It's not hot.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Student: can i go to the bathroom?

Teacher: may i go to the bathroom?

Student: hey! i asked first!

ha!! those r sooo funny!!! I don't get the mad cow disease one...exactly

[itachi-san]

ha!! those r sooo funny!!! I don't get the mad cow disease one...exactly

the cow already had mad cow disease because he didn't realize he was talking to a horse

[Guest]

the cow already had mad cow disease because he didn't realize he was talking to a horse

hmm...I figured that.

[Guest]

the cow already had mad cow disease because he didn't realize he was talking to a horse

lol in the version I heard, he was a helicopter.

[Guest]

the cow already had mad cow disease because he didn't realize he was talking to a horse

no, it's the other way around.

the joke says that there are two cows in the field.

one "thinks" it is a horse instead of a cow, but it's really a cow.

either way, it's a crazy animal

[Guest]

My personal favorite:

Camping is in tents.

[Guest]

pupil -pls miss i aint got no pencil

Teacher - I have no pencil, has no pencil, they have no pencils, we have no pencils. Do you understand

Pupil - yes miss, someone has been stealing all the pencils and now the whole aint got none!

[Guest]

"Title: Race to the outhouse

Written by: Willie Makit

Illustrated by: Bettie Wont

Published by: Andy Dint"

These book titles are hilarious! BTW, I'm new and LOVE the site!

[akaslickster]

"Title: Race to the outhouse

Written by: Willie Makit

Illustrated by: Bettie Wont

Published by: Andy Dint"

These book titles are hilarious! BTW, I'm new and LOVE the site!

Directed by:Shirley Coodov

I just made it up. Good one Star*Gazer!

[Guest]

what's a spaceman's favourite number?

astro-NAUGHT!

[Guest]

the cow already had mad cow disease because he didn't realize he was talking to a horse

Couldn't it be explained in another way that the cow which had mad cow disease is the one who think he is a horse, since you started with 2 cows...... ?

[itachi-san]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"John Doe, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65. The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."

The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill!"

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Q: What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love?

A: Honey, I'm home!

"Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

[Guest]

Puns are beautiful things....

A rope walks int a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here." So the rope walks out, ties itself up, messes up its hair, and re-enters the bar.

"Hey!" Shouts the bartender, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a little bit ago? "Nope," replies the rope, "I'm a Frayed Knot."

I'm ashamed to say this, but the following puns I made up myself....

What do you call it when a boat bumps against the dock?

-Pier Pressure

What do you call a soldier that gets cut in half?

-A Sub-Marine

What did James Bond get when he was 16?

-A Learners Permit to Kill

What's a mathematician's favorite dessert?

-Pi (I'm really sorry...)

What did Frank the Hot Dog say when he found out ho was going to Hell?

-NOOOOO!!!!! I thought all dogs go to heaven!

wow... that was fun.... let me think of some more.....

[Guest]

Is this considered as one?

Student A: Teacher, can I have 2 copies of the notes? I need to read it twice!

[Guest]

Q: What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love?

A: Honey, I'm home!

I thought it was, "have you finnished"?

[Guest]

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

hmmm...

[Guest]

I thought it was, "have you finnished"?

So...meaning that someone was cheating...yup. Real nice <_< <_<

[Guest]

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

1) clever

2 & 3) AMEN!!!

4) took me a second to get this but when I did I disturbed the peace and quiet of my office with the sound of laughter from my cubicle...

[Guest]

hmmm...

In the Artic there 6 months of day, then 6 months of night. Ever heard of "White Nights"? The sun just never sets in that region.

[itachi-san]

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners: he was the man and he got no respect!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I leave.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my old man I was tired of running in circles, so he tied my other foot to the floor.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have three kids, one of each.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

[Joe's Student]

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners: he was the man and he got no respect!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I leave.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my old man I was tired of running in circles, so he tied my other foot to the floor.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I have three kids, one of each.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I have to say that they're actually unbelievably hilarious haha i dont know him at all.. who is he?

[Guest]

I have to say that they're actually unbelievably hilarious haha i dont know him at all.. who is he?

Here's a clip:

Edited September 11, 2008 by puzzlegirl

[Joe's Student]

Here's a clip:

IV spent all morning looking at his stuff thanx