Pun alert - you have been warned

bonanova · January 14, 2013

Marc Anthony took Cleopatra into his tent and fed her wine and nectar.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker,
but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road.
She was cited for littering.
Would a grenade dropped in a French kitchen result in Linoleum Blownapart?
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
Two nuns walked into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked.
A cow failed to clear the barbed-wire fence.
Result: Udder destruction.
The fugitive midget fortune-teller
was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived a mustard gas and pepper spray attack
is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos kayak-ers were chilly, and lit a fire in the craft; unsurprisingly it sank.
Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
A man sent ten puns to a friend hoping they would make him laugh.
No pun in ten did.