Chuck Norris Here are the best "facts" about the one and only, Chuck Norris. If you know some new great joke, then don't forget to write it in the Facebook comments at the very bottom of this page.

Actually, Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest facts about himselft ever, but he hasn't submitted them to this site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission :-)

 

Chuck Norris Jokes - Top 10 collected in year 2012


  1. When God said, 'Let There Be LIGHT!'
    Chuck said, 'Say Please.'
  2. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once ...ONCE.
  3. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  5. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  6. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  7. On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
  8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  9. Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.
  10. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris Facts - Top 10 collected in year 2011


Chuck Norris
  1. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  2. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  3. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  4. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
  5. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  6. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  7. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  8. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  9. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
  10. Chuck Norris mind is so sharp that he once wressled with a riddle and accidentally killed the answer.

Chuck Norris Jokes - Mega Collection (almost 300 facts)


Chuck Norris
  1. Chuck norris breathes air ... 9 times a day.
  2. A Japanese man can eat 17 hot dogs in 42 seconds ... Chuck Norris can eat 42 Japanese men in 17 seconds.
  3. In the Beggining there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris round-house kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
  4. When God said, 'Let There Be LIGHT!'
    Chuck said, 'Say Please.'
  5. In an interview for Times Chuck Norris was asked what he thought about all the Chuck Norris Jokes circulating around. He simply replied that they weren't jokes then went back to his daily routine of drinking a mug of nails.
  6. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would win.
  7. If by some miracle 1 of Chuck Norris' round-house kicks missed you, the wind from behind the kick would disembowel you.
  8. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once ...ONCE.
  9. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
  10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  11. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
  12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  13. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  14. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  15. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  16. Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this 'glitch,' Norris replied, 'That's no glitch.'
  17. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  18. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  21. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  22. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse ... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  23. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of 'beard'. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  24. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  25. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  26. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  27. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  28. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  29. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  30. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
  31. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  32. On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
  33. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
  34. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
  35. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
  36. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  37. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
  38. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
  39. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'
  40. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
  41. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
  42. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
  43. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
  44. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
  45. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  46. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  47. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  48. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
  49. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down 'Violence' as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
  50. Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.
  51. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  52. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
  53. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  54. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  55. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  56. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  57. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
  58. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  59. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
  60. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  61. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
  62. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
  63. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not 'attempt' murder.
  64. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
  65. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  66. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  67. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver ... and wins.
  68. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
  69. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  70. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
  71. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  72. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  73. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  74. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, 'Now.'
  75. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
  76. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
  77. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  78. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
  79. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  80. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
  81. Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
  82. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  83. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, 'Please don't kill me.' Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
  84. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  85. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  86. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  87. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  88. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  89. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  90. In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
  91. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
  92. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  93. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  94. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
  95. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  96. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
  97. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  98. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  99. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  101. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  102. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  103. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  104. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
  105. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  106. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
  107. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  108. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  109. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
  110. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  111. When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  112. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
  113. There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris ... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
  114. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  115. Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
  116. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  117. A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
  118. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  119. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
  120. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as 'acts of God.' Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
  121. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
  122. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  123. Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
  124. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  125. Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
  126. Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
  127. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
  128. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
  129. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  130. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
  131. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  132. Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
  133. Jesus may walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
  134. Once Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands, now they are just called the Islands
  135. Chuck Norris doesn't hit on women, he says 'Now.'
  136. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  137. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
  138. There isn''t a theory of evolution, just a list of animals chuck norris has allowed to live.
  139. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  140. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
  141. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  142. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  143. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
  144. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris (So does Jason).
  145. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
  146. Chuck Norris was tired so he created god and told him to create everything .Just kidding Chuck Norris never gets tired.
  147. The Universe is not expanding. It is running away from Chuck Norris.
  148. Chuck Norris mind is so sharp that he once wressled with a riddle and accidentally killed the answer.
  149. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack cause even his heart isnt dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.
  150. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air just hides in his lungs for protection.
  151. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win. Everytime.
  152. With Chuck Norris as world leader there'd be no crime. Only punishment.
  153. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cord less phone.
  154. Chuck Norris destored the table of elements because the only element he knows is the element of SURPRISE.
  155. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  156. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
  157. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
  158. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  159. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Devil is just too afraid to tell him.
  160. Chuck Norris is the fountain of youth. His jokes never get old.
  161. Chuck Norris doesn't knock a girl up he knocks her down.
  162. There were 15,687,516 deaths in world war 2 Chuck Norris is two kills away from the record.
  163. Chuck norris breathes air 9 times a day.
  164. The Earth doesn't rotate, it merely moves in response to Chuck Norris walking on top of it.
  165. Chick Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
  166. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
  167. On Chuck Norris's birthday, the stars realign themselves to write him a birthday message.
  168. According to the Geneva Convention, it is considered a war crime to use Chuck Norris.
  169. WARNING: Emails w/ attatchments from Chuck Norris should be unopened and deleted. It may contain a deadly computer virus titled Delta Force v.2.0 This virus actually Roundhouse kick the computer right in the motherboard.
  170. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
  171. Money doesn't grow on trees. Unless, that is, Chuck Norris buries a quarter.
  172. Chuck Norris can ride a bike with no wheels. But he prefers to fly.
  173. Moses didn't part the Red Sea. Chuck Norris showed up and the sea moved out of his way.
  174. If Chuck Norris knew of all the jokes about him on the internet he would delete the internet.
  175. Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.
  176. Chuck Norris was awarded the nobel peace prize, for letting so many people live.
  177. When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
  178. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with an AK-47 and won.
  179. Chuck Norris was camping once and needed to releive himself so he dug a hole. You might know it as the Grand Canyon.
  180. The first true moon landing occurred when Chuck Norris entered a long jump competition.
  181. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
  182. Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.
  183. Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.
  184. Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
  185. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  186. Chuck Norris now owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
  187. Chuck Norris thinks of the Laws of Physics as 'friendly suggestions.'
  188. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
  189. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
  190. Chuck Norris declined an invitation to join MENSA because he would have to lower his mental level.
  191. Chuck Norris' computer's keyboard does not have a control key. Chuck Norris is ALWAYS in control.
  192. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
  193. Chuck Norris can't predict the future. the future just better do what it's told.
  194. Chuck Norris does not have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he wants.
  195. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face. We know this animal as a giraffe.
  196. When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris.
  197. On Chuck Norris' computer there is no 'CTRL' button, Chuck Norris is always in control.
  198. When Chuck Norris was 5 his left testicle was cut off. You may know it as its technichal term Jupiter.
  199. Chuck Norris doesnt write books the words assemble out of fear.
  200. Chuck Norris wrote half of these facts, he likes his fans to be informed.
  201. Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.
  202. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies.
  203. A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man's eyesight, unfortunately he lost it again due to an instant roundhouse kick to the head
  204. Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to arm wrestle... that person is now known as Captain Hook.
  205. Chuck Norris only once took a dump...that dump is known as Mt. Everest.
  206. According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!
  207. There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.
  208. Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company, the company field tested it and it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.
  209. If by some miracle of nature two parallel universes were to join, and Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, they would both win.
  210. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
  211. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
  212. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.
  213. A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him what his favorite Chuck Norris fact was. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man spontaneously combusted.
  214. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he didn't want to make a documentary.
  215. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  216. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret
  217. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris!
  218. Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing!
  219. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
  220. Chuck Norris challenged Stephen Hawkins to a game of tic tac toe and won in two moves.
  221. John Rambo is based on Chuck Norris' childhood... only its censored.
  222. Chuck Norris can crack a walnut with his eyelids.
  223. Chuck Norris once stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate, it exploded violently.
  224. Chuck Norris once punched a hurricane in the eye.
  225. A computer company once invented a Chuck Norris operative system. Unfortunately it was a failure, since it ONLY obeyed orders that involved killing, drinking, or women.
  226. When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.
  227. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
  228. Chuck Norris can beat Kasporov in a game of chess using only one pawn.
  229. Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, 'Time to kick ass.'
  230. Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.
  231. When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
  232. Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.
  233. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.
  234. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
  235. When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
  236. Gravity is the scientific term for the attractive force of Chuck Norris.
  237. At the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.
  238. There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.
  239. Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, 'Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole bunch of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris.'
  240. In the beginning, Chuck Norris told God to make him something to play with and gave Him a seven day deadline.
  241. Chuck Norris is neither male nor female, his gender is in fact, Chuck Norris.
  242. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
  243. Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' a**. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  244. Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has also never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.
  245. Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.
  246. Chuck Norris and the Dalai Lama combined to become the perfect human being, and the Dalai Lama.
  247. Chuck Norris got hungry and walked into Burger King. When he walked out, the place was just Burger, and he was the King.
  248. Chuck Norris' beard is the Seventh Wonder of the Ancient World. It destroyed the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and took its rightful place.
  249. Chuck Norris can separate mud into holy water and diamond dust. He then uses the holy water to shower, and the diamond dust to trim his beard so no one else can have any of either.
  250. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw and he holds it backwards while doing so.
  251. Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.
  252. Chuck Norris has the most beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt your brain with joy.
  253. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
  254. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
  255. Math was invented by Chuck Norris as a body-count system.
  256. Chuck Norris slept through the Big Bang.
  257. Thou shalt not kill. Chuck Norris exists for this purpose.
  258. You might say Chuck Norris can't act, but he might not let you say anything else ever.
  259. Chuck Norris never needs a bullet proof vest. His chest hair is made of kevlar.
  260. Freddy Kruger is afraid to fall asleep, for fear he'll have nightmares of Chuck Norris.
  261. The deepest level of Hell is an eternal match with Chuck Norris.
  262. Chuck Norris was an atheist until he realized that he was God. This was the only 'ahha' moment he ever had.
  263. Chuck Norris knows every word in the dictionary, except 'mercy'.
  264. Chuck Norris ties himself down at night to prevent himself from sleep-killing. When he kills, he wants to remember it.
  265. Chuck Norris uses his beard to sharpen his pencil, that is when he's not using the blood of his victims as ink.
  266. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
  267. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  268. Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck Norris accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.
  269. Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
  270. Chuck Norris won the Tour de France ... on a unicycle.
  271. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He destroys chairs, bedframes, sidewalks and stairs.
  272. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because 'The Sum of All Fears' is Chuck Norris' birth name.
  273. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris' home town say 'Die slowly' and 'Die quickly'. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  274. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
  275. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is 'his' way.
  276. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with 'liquid nitrogen and lava'.
  277. Chuck Norris only bowed his head once: to plant the seed of life on Earth.
  278. Chuck Norris invented the car in order to give his victims the impression they could escape him.
  279. When Chuck Norris heard about God, he thought: 'I'll let the kid play for a while.'
  280. Chuck Norris' character is called Walker because he never needs to run and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.
  281. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
  282. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. Seven to eight stunt doubles still die each day on the set.
  283. Chuck Noris had once kicked a giraffe into the mouth of a snake. Since then we call the snake - Brontosaurus.
  284. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  285. Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
  286. While taking the SAT, write 'Chuck Norris' for every answer. You will score over 8000.
  287. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  288. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
 

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