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The People Zoo, Part I

“Step right up!” cried the Giraffe.

“Make sure you have your tickets out” called the Parrot a little impatiently.

“Hurry up now!” yelled the Giraffe.

“Let’s keep this line moving!” squawked the Parrot.

“We’re coming, we’re COMING!” shouted the long line of animals.

It was an extremely hot day, and the zoo gatekeepers were peevish and impatient. The long lines of animals were anxious to shove their way into the zoo. They all wanted to see the humans on display inside.

Inside the animals could gape at, laugh at, or just watch these ‘exotic’ creatures known as people. They could puzzle over the strange nasal and throaty sounds that these humans made. They could ridicule how slow and inadequate these humans were. Why, they didn’t even have fur!

The humans on the other hand, didn’t enjoy all the attention they were getting. They were always cranky because they were cramped and stared at all day. No one likes being behind bars. They would have escaped if they had the chance but the zookeepers, who were huge lions, elephants and gorillas guarded the people, keeping them from escaping.

It had been a long day for the zookeepers, as the zoo was extra crowded, and the weather was unusually warm. The humans were even more cranky then usual, in addition to being sweaty. One of the especially forgetful zookeepers, an elephant to be exact, had forgotten to shut the cage door of a very cranky 3 year old girl with unusually sharp teeth…

The People Zoo, Part II

Sirens were blasting, alarms were screaming, there was chaos everywhere! Animals were bellowing, stampeding everywhere. Even the people were flipping out. Donkeys were braying, hyenas were crying, and the elephant guard ran all over the place, squashing innocent trees, trash cans and pretzel stands. The little girl had no idea what was going on. She was just happy to step out of her cage.

“So dis is wha it like in da big, big wowld!” observed the terrorizing tot.

A minute later, she mused, “Why is evweyboby wunnin’ away fwom me?”

At this point, the poor little girl started to sob, first in quiet little stretches, then into loud, overpowering wails. Soon the shrieks overpowered the sounds of the sirens and alarms. She threw herself on the pavement, kicking her legs, and flailing her fists. She sank her teeth into the pavement causing huge cracks and earthquakes. Animals ran away, screaming and tripping on each other to get away from the horrible ‘thing’, throwing the ultimate temper tantrum. Fire hydrants broke open from the sound pressure, soaking everything. Glass broke, and still the noise did not stop. She bit all the cages open and set the people free, with earsplitting yells and blood-curdling shrieks.

Finally, the animals came out of hiding because they couldn’t take it any longer. The Lion, since he was the bravest, went up to try and talk to the kid.

“Ugly Human! SHUT UP!” yelled the Lion

The Parrot stepped forward to translate the girl’s answer, but before he could, the toddler started screaming, again, even louder. Then the Sheep thought she would try to talk some sense into the crazed child.

“Adorable child, I beg you to stop!” pleaded the Sheep.

The child then made some guttural sounds which the parrot translated as “NO! You a mean ole goatie!”

“I’m a sheep you silly!” bleated the Sheep.

In response, the little girl took her unusually sharp teeth and ate the Sheep’s hat, embarrassing the old Sheep so much, she ran home to ‘rest’.

At last, the Monkey stepped forward and asked “Little Girl, what do you want?”

Silence. Even the alarms stopped blaring. After a few quick seconds of thought she made some nasal noises, which the Parrot roughly translated as “I wanna be da purty faiwy-bawwallina-pink-tap dansing-pwinsess-of-all-da-animals, who sets all da peoples fwee!”

The animals who were worn out beyond belief, hastily and gladly agreed, just to stop all the chaos and confusion. Ever since that day, humans have always had the upper hand, and toddlers have almost always been able to get their way through temper-tantrums.

I need you guys to critizize this, so I can get an A, this is a humungus grade, PLZ, PLZ, HELP!

Edited by CuteSparklezGirl
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Hmm... good detail, but I don't think you need to have the part one and part two, and if you do get rid of that, make sure to write a transition. I love the concept. it reminds me of a story I read a long time ago about an "Intergalactic zoo"

I agree with Twoaday. you might want to chance the overpowered some, maybe to overcame or drowned out.

The descriptions are good, but you might want to explain why the pavement cracked when the girl rammed the ground...

I would give it somewhere between a B+ to a A-, but i am an generally hard grader.

Good over all story.

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The grade I would give you depends on what grade you are in in school

Agreed. Despite this lack of info, I'll try to make a good comment :blush:

It's a pretty interesting and creative story. At first, I thought the theme was animal cruelty or something like Planet of the Apes, and then it turned into toddler spoilness :P I can't really comment on the writing style properly without knowing your grade, although the plot itself is ok. Overall, good story! :)

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I thought this was very well played out. I help with my english teacher in grading and reading homework that kids hand in. Most of them are horrible and just plain stupid. It's not exactly the best story, but it is pretty good!!!!

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I know it says short story, but is there any way you would elaborate on some things? We've done these sorts of things in school, and we're meant to aim for a 1000 words. (Woah, scary, just did a word count, and you have 666...) I think you should go into more detail, so your audience can have a much more vivid picture in their minds, rather than just imagining a bratty toddler being mooched by the animals. Also, I'm not sure "Giraffe" and "Lion" (etc.) should be capitalized in sentences such as '“Ugly Human! SHUT UP!” yelled the Lion' and '“Hurry up now!” yelled the Giraffe.' Either the animals go by their respective names, or they're regular nouns, therefore lower-cased.

Decent overall. I'd give it a B.

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I'm not too concerned about the length, although it couldn't hurt to throw in some details (as Izzy mentioned), such as emotions. Also, the story was a bit confusing for me. I would give it a B, but then again, I'm a hard marker :P

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I know it says short story, but is there any way you would elaborate on some things? We've done these sorts of things in school, and we're meant to aim for a 1000 words. (Woah, scary, just did a word count, and you have 666...) I think you should go into more detail, so your audience can have a much more vivid picture in their minds, rather than just imagining a bratty toddler being mooched by the animals. Also, I'm not sure "Giraffe" and "Lion" (etc.) should be capitalized in sentences such as '“Ugly Human! SHUT UP!” yelled the Lion' and '“Hurry up now!” yelled the Giraffe.' Either the animals go by their respective names, or they're regular nouns, therefore lower-cased.

Decent overall. I'd give it a B.

since izzy's critisizing, i dont want her all alone... ;)

just an idea. How about the Elephant that forgot to close the door, it was because he fainted and had a heat stroke, and everyone didn't realize the door was open, and the red glowed in the toddler's eyes and...

Yeah. My imagination is...odd.

Anyways - you've probobly already turned it in, but oh well!

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it reminds me of a story I read a long time ago about an "Intergalactic zoo"

Okay, I know this comment doesn't belong here, but ME TOO! I remember that story. That's the first thing i thought of when I read this. :D

I gave it a B+ overall. Some conventions errors that could be fixed and maybe better sentence fluency, but overall a good short story. :)

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I took your suggestions, lowercased the animals names, added detail and turned it in. My teacher loved it! Well, she liked it anyway. I got an 93%. Thanks to all for your input!

Congrats! Would you mind posting the finished copy? I don't know about everyone else, but i'd like to read it.

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