- Marc Anthony took Cleopatra into his tent and fed her wine and nectar.
- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
- She was only a whisky-maker,
but he loved her still.
- A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road.
She was cited for littering.
- Would a grenade dropped in a French kitchen result in Linoleum Blownapart?
- Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
- Two nuns walked into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked.
- A cow failed to clear the barbed-wire fence.
Result: Udder destruction.
- The fugitive midget fortune-teller
was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived a mustard gas and pepper spray attack
is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.
- A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
- Two Eskimos kayak-ers were chilly, and lit a fire in the craft; unsurprisingly it sank.
Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
- A man sent ten puns to a friend hoping they would make him laugh.
No pun in ten did.