[akaslickster]

What is the best thing you've done lately, that was for someone else's benefit, and you expected praise for?

Edited April 26, 2008 by akaslickster

[akaslickster]

I think it's understandable. It is frustrating to go out of your way for someone else and have them ignore it. Kind and generous people are sometimes looked at as being weak, and so they are sometimes taken advantage of, or at least appear to be taken advantage of. When someone does something to help someone else, and the recipient of the help isn't grateful, the recipient thinks he's gaining an unfair advantage, but really it's the giver that is gaining character.

In short...yeah, it sucks, and it can be frustrating, especially if it's a friend or someone else close to you, because it can seem like a one-sided relationship. But still you grow as a person, so gratitude or not, you still win.

Seems agreeable. Would anyone feel otherwise?

[Guest]

I think it's understandable. It is frustrating to go out of your way for someone else and have them ignore it. Kind and generous people are sometimes looked at as being weak, and so they are sometimes taken advantage of, or at least appear to be taken advantage of. When someone does something to help someone else, and the recipient of the help isn't grateful, the recipient thinks he's gaining an unfair advantage, but really it's the giver that is gaining character.

In short...yeah, it sucks, and it can be frustrating, especially if it's a friend or someone else close to you, because it can seem like a one-sided relationship. But still you grow as a person, so gratitude or not, you still win.

akaslickster... Seems agreeable. Would anyone feel otherwise?

It only sucks if people accuse you of doing nothing when you did, but take it for what it is blind ignorance - suck it up!

Motivation should come from within - to do the right thing - period!

If you want appreciation of any kind your motivation has a hint of self (a need to feel right has been done) rather than satisfaction of having done the right thing, not to be confused with self gratification where it has to be part of the reason for acting.

Black and white. Right is right and wrong is wrong - it's wrong to be lazy or uncaring or selfish, that's a bit tough when we are on the receiving end and need a little hug, but it shouldn't stop you from helping/doing the right thing.

[onetruth]

If you want appreciation of any kind your motivation has a hint of self (a need to feel right has been done) rather than satisfaction of having done the right thing, not to be confused with self gratification where it has to be part of the reason for acting.

I do think it's wrong to do right in order to get recognition. I don't, however, think that it's always wrong to expect to be appreciated in at least some cases. This is why a good parent will teach her child to say, "Thank you" when appropriate. The parent expects her child to be grateful. I expect my close friends to be as grateful when I do something for them as I am when they do something for me. That's part of the reason we're friends. We mutually build each other's character by having those types of expectations of each other. But we don't do things for each other for the recognition or to hold each other in debt...we do it because we love each other.

LIS, I think it's ok to vent once in a while about being treated unfairly. And then suck it up and deal. For example...I am one of the hardest workers in my office. I have a post that no one else can do, and for a while I was working with the CEO of the company directly to kind of get my post in order (which caused some jealousy in some of my supervisors). Well, one of my supervisors is a married man, who would constantly hit on me. I have always turned him down (despite the fact that the other girls my age have no problem sleeping with the married supervisors in the company). Now he's bombarding me with warnings about various little things, most of which aren't even things relating to my post or me. Basically, he's pinning other people's screw ups on me. So it's frustrating. I vent to one or two people I'm close to. For working my butt off and getting in trouble. And then I go on and deal with it and continue to work my butt off because it's the right thing to do.

[Guest]

I do think it's wrong to do right in order to get recognition. I don't, however, think that it's always wrong to expect to be appreciated in at least some cases. This is why a good parent will teach her child to say, "Thank you" when appropriate. The parent expects her child to be grateful. I expect my close friends to be as grateful when I do something for them as I am when they do something for me. That's part of the reason we're friends. We mutually build each other's character by having those types of expectations of each other. But we don't do things for each other for the recognition or to hold each other in debt...we do it because we love each other.

LIS, I think it's ok to vent once in a while about being treated unfairly. And then suck it up and deal. For example...I am one of the hardest workers in my office. I have a post that no one else can do, and for a while I was working with the CEO of the company directly to kind of get my post in order (which caused some jealousy in some of my supervisors). Well, one of my supervisors is a married man, who would constantly hit on me. I have always turned him down (despite the fact that the other girls my age have no problem sleeping with the married supervisors in the company). Now he's bombarding me with warnings about various little things, most of which aren't even things relating to my post or me. Basically, he's pinning other people's screw ups on me. So it's frustrating. I vent to one or two people I'm close to. For working my butt off and getting in trouble. And then I go on and deal with it and continue to work my butt off because it's the right thing to do.

Agree! Parents should teach respect, manors, love, humanity and HUMBLENESS.

Disagree! Do it cos it's right and move on.

Disagree - what are friends for? Help each other but don't measure it, It has a value of it's own, nothing wrong with showing gratitude, but their is in expecting/needing it. Easy for me to say - I blush easy and hate it.

Don't understand how EXPECTATIONS is used in this case - I don't believe that expecting help for help given is help. It's more like a debt isn't it?

Work is different entirely - and this is bad news. Bring him down if you can.

Been there, ran a call center for a large company but could go no further due to so many females promoted over me who did less and had to right their wrongs as well as take the barrage from clients (doctors) who had the hump about the over reacting replies to the clients client.

In the end you have to tend your own garden cos looking over the fence to check on others or distractions away from your area will cause weeds to grow = more work. My branch handled more calls with higher accuracy, and had the lowest training costs. All you can do is be efficient and not get dragged into unrelated issues, easy for me to say, but i do like healthy, tidy, efficient and friendly - the rest comes second to that.

Still - happy to be retired, though I have the urge to work - must need that self satisfaction I guess, results are viewable as opposed to early parenting period - going through the terrible twos at the mo - you are welcome to help . and of course I'll return the favour

[onetruth]

The reason I expect my friends to be appreciative is because that's the kind of character they have. That doesn't mean that they would have to say thank you (I actually hate when people thank me...I get embarrassed). I don't expect any favors in return. I just know that they are the kind of people that don't take things for granted. And I don't take it for granted when my friends do things for my kids and me (and trust me, I have some awesome friends who at one point practically clothed my kids just because they wanted to). So when I say I expect something from them, I just mean that I expect quality character from them, and sometimes that includes gratitude. Just becaue those are the kind of people I like having in my life. It's never an issue of who paid for more lunches. It's more of when one person pays, the other appreciates it.

[Guest]

The reason I expect my friends to be appreciative is because that's the kind of character they have. That doesn't mean that they would have to say thank you (I actually hate when people thank me...I get embarrassed). I don't expect any favors in return. I just know that they are the kind of people that don't take things for granted. And I don't take it for granted when my friends do things for my kids and me (and trust me, I have some awesome friends who at one point practically clothed my kids just because they wanted to). So when I say I expect something from them, I just mean that I expect quality character from them, and sometimes that includes gratitude. Just becaue those are the kind of people I like having in my life. It's never an issue of who paid for more lunches. It's more of when one person pays, the other appreciates it.

Okay, so your friends are well mannered and everyone is thankful - that's great and that's why they are still your friends (among other reasons too no doubt). That is s different situation from helping a stranger

What about other situations where a newcomer gets a little help and doesn't show thanks? is it time to vent?

Do you help again and again.

Some people will keep using or abusing help because it's easier, but then you have gone beyond helping if they don't learn to manage for themselves. They have been conditioned to believe they need help (like a substance dependant person).

Anyway onetruth outside of your social and work group, is it still the case? To help others that you practically don't know or hardly know. Can it be a case of satisfying a guilt complex if it is easy to do rather than offer help to someone you don't know and it is a bit more than a challenge! It's easy to call for help when someone falls in the street and wait until it arrives - assistance given and off we go, hey ho! what if it's a stranger that asks for more - insert your own parameters and think it through - the answer is for your eyes only.

I jumped into a freezing dirty river in a new suite to prevent a very old lady from drowning in her heavy coat. Also held someones head out of a paint filled dashboard of their van and got covered. Neither time did I give my details or ask about compensation, And neither did I check to see how they did or how it happened. I just did what I could. Maybe it made a difference maybe not! I was glad to be able to help and would not change my actions.

I have gone to extremes to help friends - even when they should have listened or known better, but its different, putting in time and money when you have it or can make it fit in, or even dig a little deeper - after all, it is for a friend!

Edited May 8, 2008 by Lost in space

[Guest]

If this subject appeals to you, may I humbly recommend you rent the movie Magnificent Obsession (1954) with Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson. [Or the 1935 version, but probably harder to find.] It is a hearwarming depiction of selfless deeds of goodwill toward others.

Do the right thing for the right reason.

[onetruth]

Okay, so your friends are well mannered and everyone is thankful - that's great and that's why they are still your friends (among other reasons too no doubt). That is s different situation from helping a stranger The only reason I mentioned expecting gratitude is because I do think it's appropriate in some instances. But that's not the cause for doing things for other people, and this wouldn't apply to a stranger. I would help someone I don't like, because it's right.

What about other situations where a newcomer gets a little help and doesn't show thanks? is it time to vent? I'm not saying it's okay to throw a tantrum, but I think it's okay to confide in someone that you're frustrated. But after repeated offenses, and with someone close enough to you to be hurt by. Talk things out, and then go deal with it with that person. I'm not talking about whining or self-pity. But if you're hurt be it and feel like you're being taken advantage of, then at some point it is okay to "vent."

Do you help again and again. Depends on the situation. Whether I can, or if I think it'll be helpful in the long run, or detrimental (like giving money to someone that I know well enough to know he'd probably spend it on drugs)

Some people will keep using or abusing help because it's easier, but then you have gone beyond helping if they don't learn to manage for themselves. They have been conditioned to believe they need help (like a substance dependant person). Right, enabling them. I've done it, and I don't want to be guilty of that anymore.

Anyway onetruth outside of your social and work group, is it still the case? To help others that you practically don't know or hardly know. Can it be a case of satisfying a guilt complex if it is easy to do rather than offer help to someone you don't know and it is a bit more than a challenge! Definitely. I don't feel it necessary to list examples, but, yes, I have no problem helping strangers if I am able. It's easy to call for help when someone falls in the street and wait until it arrives - assistance given and off we go, hey ho! what if it's a stranger that asks for more - insert your own parameters and think it through - the answer is for your eyes only. If I can help, I will. I'm a fan of calling 911 if there's nothing I can do. But if I'm driving and a girl's car is broken down and I can tell she's scared, I will pull over and at least let her use my phone, if that's all I can do. I've done that more than once. I'll do what I can do. I do have boundaries when it comes to helping people, but it's not because I'm selfish. The only reasons I wouldn't help someone when I could would be, like I said, if it's detrimental to that person in the long run, or if it unnecessarily puts my kids at risk. And by that I only mean situations like this...I let some people stay with me for a while. But they kept doing stupid things that got me in trouble with my landlord, plus they were smoking around my kids, and making my home uncomfortable for my kids. I wouldn't have been surprised to have the police show up at my door and do a search. So I told them they couldn't stay with me anymore. But I do believe in taking risks to do the right thing, and I want my kids to see that. Just not unnecessary risks.

I jumped into a freezing dirty river in a new suite to prevent a very old lady from drowning in her heavy coat. Also held someones head out of a paint filled dashboard of their van and got covered. Neither time did I give my details or ask about compensation, And neither did I check to see how they did or how it happened. I just did what I could. Maybe it made a difference maybe not! I was glad to be able to help and would not change my actions. Good for you. I've put myself at risk for other people too without exchanging contact information. It's those "in the moment" things that define what kind of person you are

I have gone to extremes to help friends - even when they should have listened or known better, but its different, putting in time and money when you have it or can make it fit in, or even dig a little deeper - after all, it is for a friend! I have too. I've also gone to extremes to help strangers.