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If you write a book about failure, and it fails sell, is it a success?

How can someone be dirt poor, whilst another be filthy rich?

Why is it that nightfalls but daybreaks?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell that person to go?

Isn’t round a shape? Then, why do I need to get into shape?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you hun?

When people say, while watching a movie, “Did you see that?” No, I paid £9.80 to come to the theatre and stare at the wall. What did you come here for?

When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too.” What good is a stupid cake that you can't eat?

When people say, “It's always in the last place you look.” Well why the heck would you keep looking if you've already found the thing?

I was in Burger King one day, the man in front of me ordered a Triple Whooper, Large fries, another cheese burger, and a diet coke....

People who are willing to get off their a** to search the room for the TV remote, because they refuse to walk to the television to change the channel manually really do confuse me.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is!! Where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?

When something is new and improved, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's improved, then wasn't there something before it?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi, then the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?

Why do they call them apartments when they’re all stuck together?

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

What happens to an 18-Hour bra after 18 hours?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?

Isn't it scary the "therapist" broken up is "the rapist"?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Why do they call it “chili” if it's hot?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

What kind of transportation does a snow shovelling man use to go to work?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why do tugboats push their barges?

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

Isn't the Pillsbury doughboy way too happy considering he has no... (you know what)

Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?

Do one handed people shop at the second hand store?

If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, look what happened to the rabbit. Feeling lucky now?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting?

Why is it called after dark, when it is really after light?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

How do you know it’s an endless loop?

If you keep trying to solve Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it when two cars almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn’t it be called a near hit?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?

“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do.” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that read Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on Start?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If swimming helps you loose weight, then why are whales so fat?

Why is an appointment necessary to go and see a fortuneteller?

If corn oil comes from corn, and olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

If light travels at the speed of 300 million km per second, then what's the speed of the sunset at night?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for I.D. that he just whipped out a quarter?

Why do they have lifejackets in airplanes instead of parachutes?

On many consumer packages, it reads, Open Here. Does the package feel offended if we open it from somewhere else?

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

Why when you dial a wrong number, it is never busy?

If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

What do mermaids eat? How do they breed?

If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?

Why are rubber ducks yellow when most real ducks aren't?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone says, “A penny for your thoughts”, and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a**?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

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