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#1 NickFleming

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Posted 04 August 2010 - 06:28 PM

An Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
.. NOW you're screwed."

****************************************************************************************************************************

A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

The moral? There's a time and a place for skepticism.

****************************************************************************************************************************

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
****************************************************************************************************************************

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

****************************************************************************************************************************TTwo guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But just now two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
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#2 archlordbr

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Posted 04 August 2010 - 08:39 PM

Loved the Guillotine one :D
The first one was the only one I had seen before.
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#3 NickFleming

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Posted 04 August 2010 - 11:48 PM

Thanks :D
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#4 harvey45

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Posted 05 August 2010 - 05:54 AM

Heard the guillotine one before, just in a different context. It was the electric chair, with a Priest (power of God), a Lawyer (power of Justice) and an electrician (You know, there's a cut in the wires...)

Edit - 444 posts!

Edited by harvey45, 05 August 2010 - 05:55 AM.

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#5 MissKitten

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Posted 07 August 2010 - 05:03 PM

dont get the doctor and lawyer one :unsure:
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Chocolate is proof that God wanted us to be happy.

So you want a fight with intent to kill? Then come fight me! It's here in my bow, that intent to kill you love so much! ~ Uryu Ishida

... ~ Nova-kun

Society needs to learn how to adapt, or humanity is screwed. ~ MiKi, aka MissKitten, aka myself


#6 Framm 18

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Posted 07 August 2010 - 05:57 PM

dont get the doctor and lawyer one :unsure:


Spoiler for The joke

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Spoiler for Haikus


#7 MissKitten

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Posted 08 August 2010 - 04:59 AM

Oh I get it now.
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Chocolate is proof that God wanted us to be happy.

So you want a fight with intent to kill? Then come fight me! It's here in my bow, that intent to kill you love so much! ~ Uryu Ishida

... ~ Nova-kun

Society needs to learn how to adapt, or humanity is screwed. ~ MiKi, aka MissKitten, aka myself





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