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Gambit

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1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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Many, many thanks. I can think of a lot of friends to send the link to this post to. :lol: :lol:

Edit - spelling.

Edited by UKJon

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heres another one-

- I started off with nothing, and i've still got most of it left

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

edit: added the smiley faces :lol:

Edited by clozobozo

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look bright until you hear them speak.

Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.

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3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I know SEVERAL people like that.... :lol:;)

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This is so funny!!! I ended up bursting out laughing in my music theory class :P My class ended up wasting 20 minutes reading this... :D:D:D

I luv the one about not taking life seriously! That's why it's in my signature :lol:

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This is so funny!!! I ended up bursting out laughing in my music theory class :P My class ended up wasting 20 minutes reading this... :D:D:D

I luv the one about not taking life seriously! That's why it's in my signature :lol:

Haha...love it! Hey - I like your signature...kinda fits my life too. :lol: :lol:

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dint know if this one is funny or not, but here goes:

Two wrongs do not make a right. Or a left.

It's in my signature.

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It sounds like one of those jokes better said aloud. And no, I'm not being apologetic, just truthful. Sounds pretty good.

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Two wrongs do not make a right. Or a left.

In my neck of the woods, it goes:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights are a San Francisco left.

Others -

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out alone.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't win, make your opponents lose.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Madness takes its toll, please keep exact change.

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

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In my neck of the woods, it goes:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights are a San Francisco left.

Others -

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out alone.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you can't win, make your opponents lose.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Madness takes its toll, please keep exact change.

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

Loved the tequila one! Been a while since I had to wipe away tears of laughter (brings back some memories!)

Edited by mojobrain

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-The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

-Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

-I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

-I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.

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here are some great yogi berra quotes

if you don't know where you're going, any direction will do.

It's not that I fear death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

go to other people's funerals, so they'll come to yours.

if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

if you come to a fork in the road -- take it!

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

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How about - "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!"

Or - "Please don't ask me to relax. It's only my tension that's holding me together!"

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