Chuck Norris Jokes

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chuck norris like his food to be hot and spicy, he always add a few drop of magma to spice up his food.

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when king kong climbs up the building not because he want to be top of the world because chuck norris happens to be nearby.

chuck norris once eat an apple and spit out the fruit and it turns to Imac.

chuck norris once use a ice cream cone and put it on a horse head thats why unicorn was born.

Zebras was actually whole black. as they see chuck norris the zebra scare the whites strips come out.

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once the south park inivted chuck norris as a special appearance, who killed kenny.

The cartoon series ended......

chuck norris the one who discover that the china is really the other side of the earth as he dig through the earth.

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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This is one i came up with, summer time u see

"Chuck Norris once beat a fish in a who-can-last-longer underwater contest....The fish died of old age"

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Nice. :lol:

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A computer company once invented a Chuck Norris operative system. Unfortunately it was a failure, since it ONLY obeyed orders that involved killing, drinking, or women.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.

Duke Nukem Forever was delayed so many years because of Chuck Norris. He actually was chose to model for Duke Nukem, but on the credit screen, his name was cut in 2 (Chuck Nor-ris), so he cut in two all the Dev Team. And the strippers. Twice.

Chuck Norris can complete the New York Times crossword puzzle with a permanent marker.

Chuck Norris always gets a second helping of peanuts on an airplane. Always.

Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his a**. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin once a year.

The Trail of Tears is actually just a nickname for the sidewalk from Chuck Norris's front door to the street down which many disappointed yet lucky women have trodden the morning after a one night stand. And Brokeback Mountain is actually the name for the burial site of all the women Chuck Norris has had sex with that weren't so lucky.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he craps out masterpieces.

Terrorists recently attempted to hijack Chuck Norris' private plane. This resulted in the world record for farthest distance a cowboy boot has been stuck up someone's butt.

When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, "I sometimes love too much." He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.

Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.

Chuck Norris can beat the Harlem Globetrotters.

Everytime Chuck Norris sneezes, an angel gets its wings, and a category 5 hurricane is born.

Literally translated from the ancient tongue of Atlantis the name Chuck Norris means "Little sissy". Sadly, Atlantis is no more.

Chuck Norris built the pyramids as a child in a foolish attempt to reach the moon.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

The Greek pronunciation of Chuck Norris is Zeus.

Chuck Norris was originally to be cast as the protagonist in Terminator. He denied, since he has already stopped a time war between machines and mankind. Twice.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris invented the pencil by compressing a lead pipe with his bare hands

A good way to tell if you are about to be attacked by Chuck Norris is to notice the music becoming more intense. You might also see ninjas scoping you out from behind trees and on roofs. Death is certain at this point.

Chuck Norris was told by Dr. Phil once that he had anger management issues. Chuck Norris then proceded to uppercut Dr. Phil in the nards.

The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

Chuck Norris can tame lions by nestling them with his beard.

Once, when Chuck Norris had a fever, a man told him the only cure was more cowbell. Chuck Norris was so enraged that he flicked the man in the testicles, causing him to vomit uncontrollably for 16 days straight.

When Medusa looked at Chuck Norris, he looked back at her right in the eye. Chuck Norris walked away, Medusa wasn't so lucky.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

After taking a cue from George Foreman, Chuck Norris will develop his own grill that actually bullies and roundkicks the food into getting more brown.

Captain Planet doesn't enjoy having a mullet, it's just that Chuck Norris has threatened to kill him should he ever try to change his hair style.

Chuck Norris made guns so people would have a fighting chance.

To be stuck between Chuck Norris and hard place makes the hard place pretty damn appealing.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too.

Chuck Norris was the Fifth Ninja Turtle, but he was kicked out when he refused to wear a protective shell and continued to maintain that "Roundhouse Kick" was the only weapon he needed.

Chuck Norris throws stones, even though he lives in a glass house.

Chuck Norris received a perfect score on his SAT's by making his answer bubbles repeatedly spell CHUCK NORRIS... despite the fact that H-U-K-N-O-R-I-S are not choices.

Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds.

Chuck Norris pees standing up, unlike Steven Segal.

Chuck Norris gave the Trix Rabbit a bowl of Trix. Then he roundhouse kicked the group of kids for not sharing.

Chuck Norris won a game of "Simon Says" against Simon.

The reason Sylvester Stallone can't speak English anymore is because he once told Chuck Norris he wished he could be like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not approve of copycats.

The sun is 93 million miles away from the Earth, and it takes light 9 minutes to get here. It takes light 10 minutes to reach Chuck Norris, because it has to ask permission before illuminating him.

Some call him the space cowboy, some have called him the gangster of love. Some have even called him Charles once or twice. Well, once.

As a baby, Chuck Norris could fit the square pegs in the circular holes.

Chuck Norris once quit smoking by roundhouse kicking a tabacco company CEO in the head, simultaneously inventing the phrase "kick the habit".

Chuck Norris amazed scientists by breaking a diamond with a roundhouse kick. The amazement only lasted one second because awesomeness of the roundhouse kick caused the scientists to crap out their brains.

Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.

The series of "Rocky" movies actually are based on Chuck Norris' second grade experience.

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Hey everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but carlosn27 will no longer be with us. His last post...

only 4 flushes....the wimp. ;)

...Was read by Chuck Norris. And last night, well, to put it delicately.... carlosn27 was the reason that Chuck Norris flushed 7 times this morning. :P

out of pity for this forum, after pooping me out, chuck norris was kind enough to roundhouse kick me back to life and now I'm back. :D

the only difference is, that I have now seen the wisdom of the chuckster from the inside, so I know for a fact that he isnt made of hot magma inside. i cannot tell you what I have seen, or chucky will kick me back inside him.

Edited by carlosn27
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In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

NASA hired Chuck Norris in order to save money. Because Chuck Round House kicks astronauts into outerspace, and then later when they fall back down they can land safely in his chest hair.

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a bada** hood ornament for his monster truck.

Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and punch at the same time.

The phrase "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" was brought about by Chuck Norris, due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.

Light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris.

The only reason Chuck Norris passed kindergarten was because he was banging the teacher.

CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.

Chuck Norris specializes in building working nuclear reactors out of wood.

Normal children went to a party and played Pin the Tail on the Donkey. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he played Pin the Tail on the Saber tooth Tiger... except he used a real saber tooth tiger.

The Earth spins because Chuck Norris uses it as a treadmill.

Aviator sunglasses were invented to shield the sun from Chuck Norris' eyes.

Jimi Hendrix didn't actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.

When Chuck Norris takes a dump, the resulting material is what all economies are based on and wars are fought for.

Chuck Norris single handedly ended World War II with two Roundhouse Kicks. You might know them as Atomic Bombs.

Adam wasn't actually the first man on Earth. Chuck Norris was. He then asked God for someone to practice roundhouse kicks on.

Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.

Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.

Chuck Norris was once told that his show "Walker Texas Ranger" was for rednecks. He simply looked at the man stroked his beard and the man's children have been born with mullets ever since.

Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there's drinking, there's fighting, where there's fighting, there's kicking, and where there's kicking, there's Chuck.

Chuck Norris once shucked 4872 ears of corn in 14 minutes using his beard. Incidentally, the words "shuck corn" can be found in the name of Chuck Norris.

The Nile flows north because Chuck Norris told it to.

Chuck Norris is the reason why you touch yourself at night.

In Texas, it is illegal for Chuck Norris to wear gloves. Something about concealing a deadly weapon...

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris. The 5th is on the FBI's Missing Person's List.

The way Chuck Norris talks to women is not defined as "spitting game", but rather, "verbal roofies".

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a**, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.

If it's "a penny for your thoughts" and everyone is "putting in their two cents", who gets the extra penny? Chuck Norris, of course.

The original concept for the show "Survivor" was to put three contestants in a room with Chuck Norris and the last one living won the prize. When they began filming, Chuck Norris killed all three contestants with one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.

Chuck Norris always has the right of way.

A girl once broke Chuck Norris's heart. In return, he broke her neck.

If you want to send Chuck Norris a letter, just write "Chuck Norris" on the envelope and drop it in any mailbox. Don't worry; he'll get it.

Chuck Norris has flown tons of food and medical supplies into New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Chuck Norris has never piloted an aircraft.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.

Chuck Norris can end any sentence with a preposition.

Chuck Norris is the real Slim Shady

Edited by Brandonb
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Chuck Norris is both matter and antimatter at the same time.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a star and it became a black hole. Then he walked through the black hole to the other side.

Chuck Norris knows why the chicken crossed the road.

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Posted · Report post

Where is everyone getting all of these.

Unless your all actually Chuck Norris in disguise

:lol:
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Where is everyone getting all of these.

Unless your all actually Chuck Norris in disguise

:lol:

Chuck Norris doesn't write Chuck Norris jokes, he lives them.

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When Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Chuck Norris took that as permission.

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Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the earth and kick himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

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Chuck Norris can unevolve you back into a monkey...like my avatar. :lol:

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One day, thousands of years ago, Chuck Norris was taking a stroll through Egypt. The Pharaoh, so frightened upon seeing him, crapped a brick. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris crapped the pyramids.

Mountains are only places where Chuck Norris hasn't walked yet.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language

The real reason Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden was because they didn't offer Chuck Norris the apple first.

Chuck Norris started the fire.

Chuck Norris can beat Kasporov in a game of chess using only one pawn

Chuck Norris can see a mosquito blink.

A roundhouse kick from Van Damme can break jars. A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris can break Mars.

Chuck Norris doesn't lock his doors at home. He encourages intruders as much as possible

You can't beat Chuck Norris, and you can't join him.

If the ground hog sees his shadow, its going to be a long summer. If the ground hog sees Chuck Norris' shadow, his face melts and it's going to be a painful summer

Chuck Norris learned how to chop wood in the Sahara Forest

Black boxes on airplanes are actually made out of tissue samples from Chuck Norris.

Clark Kent is the secret identity of Superman and Superman is the secret identity of Chuck Norris.

Each time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a butterfly, he creates a typhoon in Asia

Black Holes can bend light, Chuck Norris can bend Black holes.

Chuck Norris never plays the board game "Sorry", because he never is under any circumstance

Please is a magic word, as in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

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One day, thousands of years ago, Chuck Norris was taking a stroll through Egypt. The Pharaoh, so frightened upon seeing him, crapped a brick. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris crapped the pyramids.

Mountains are only places where Chuck Norris hasn't walked yet.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language

The real reason Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden was because they didn't offer Chuck Norris the apple first.

Chuck Norris started the fire.

Chuck Norris can beat Kasporov in a game of chess using only one pawn

Chuck Norris can see a mosquito blink.

A roundhouse kick from Van Damme can break jars. A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris can break Mars.

Chuck Norris doesn't lock his doors at home. He encourages intruders as much as possible

You can't beat Chuck Norris, and you can't join him.

If the ground hog sees his shadow, its going to be a long summer. If the ground hog sees Chuck Norris' shadow, his face melts and it's going to be a painful summer

Chuck Norris learned how to chop wood in the Sahara Forest

Black boxes on airplanes are actually made out of tissue samples from Chuck Norris.

Clark Kent is the secret identity of Superman and Superman is the secret identity of Chuck Norris.

Each time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a butterfly, he creates a typhoon in Asia

Black Holes can bend light, Chuck Norris can bend Black holes.

Chuck Norris never plays the board game "Sorry", because he never is under any circumstance

Please is a magic word, as in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

like the butterfly effect thuhchrs was talkin about!

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Chuck Norris learned how to chop wood in the Sahara Forest

nice... :lol: so, Chuck Norris made the Sahara Desert...correct?

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nice... :lol: so, Chuck Norris made the Sahara Desert...correct?

Well, Chuck Norris made the whole planet so it goes without saying.

Chuck Norris is the result of a diamond meteor colliding with a diamond planet. He emerged from the impact's crater with a full beard, chest hair, and two dead ninjas under each arm. He then spoke his first words: "Who's next?!"

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Well, Chuck Norris made the whole planet so it goes without saying.

Chuck Norris is the result of a diamond meteor colliding with a diamond planet. He emerged from the impact's crater with a full beard, chest hair, and two dead ninjas under each arm. He then spoke his first words: "Who's next?!"

awesome B)) ...uh, maybe not. oh boy, I'm in trouble <_< ....*chuck norris appears*

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Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick a$$."

Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour Chuck Norris.

In blackjack, Chuck Norris always hits on 20 if the dealer is showing 10. Chuck Norris hates the possibility of a tie.

Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.

Chuck Norris just pissed your pants.

The original "Chuck Taylor All Stars" shoe from Converse was originally named the "Chuck Norris All Stars," but Norris had the name changed when Converse refused to make their slogan "Run faster, Jump higher, Roundhouse harder."

Chuck Norris doesn't have to eat, but he does it anyways to be cool.

When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.

Chuck Norris invented the spork. He then killed Colonel Sanders with it.

When Chuck Norris beats his dog for peeing on the rug, he does so at the PETA headquarters out of sheer spite.

Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.

Whenever Chuck Norris hears the "Numa-numa" song, he roundhouse-kicks the closest fat kid.

Chuck Norris has won placing bets on the Super Bowl every year for the last 40 years. Not because he successfully picked the winning team each year, but because the bookies are too scared to tell him he was wrong.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your a** and take your dollar.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.

Chuck Norris wears custom made boots with his name reverse-imprinted on the bottom. The reason being is so if anyone ever asks him for his autograph, they will get it permanently across the side of their face.

When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.

One does not punch Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris headbutts one's fist.

Edited by Brandonb
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Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2-ton blocks. He then made his shelter, which we now call the Great Pyramids.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes.

Gravity is the scientific term for the attractive force of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist.

Chuck Norris is slated to speak at his own eulogy.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.

At the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.

The only time Chuck Norris was confused was after watching the Stephen Seagal movie "Nico". Still to this day, he cannot figure out, why a rival action hero chooses to run like a schoolgirl with wet knickers.

Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much sh*t he is in, he still comes out in one piece.

Ever since Chuck Norris was born, evolution has been going in reverse.

Chuck Norris doesn't need birth control. His sperm destroys the egg.

The last stage of a star isn't a black hole. It is Chuck Norris.

There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.

Chuck Norris was formed during the Big Bang and consists mainly of interstellar gas. He iss still cooling down.

The hook was invented when a doctor tried to give Chuck Norris a shot.

MacGyver attended the Chuck Norris School of Resourcefulness.

Saddam Hussein was toppled from power after inviting Chuck Norris to move to Iraq, proving that Saddam was trying to acquire a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Chuck Norris kicked a hole in the ozone layer when it rained on his birthday.

Chuck Norris' hair is more addictive than heroin.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris went scuba diving a few weeks ago off the coast of Austrailia. A Great White died from a Chuck Norris attack that day.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When Chuck Norris asks you to jump, you ask, "How high?" Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you for questioning him.

Chuck Norris is so ahead of his time thats his parents haven't even met yet.

The Buffalo Bills of the early 90s didn't lose four consecutive Super Bowls due to bad luck or lack of talent. It's just that when Chuck Norris bets against you, even 65 300lb. men don't stand a chance.

As a kid, Chuck Norris would always get picked last for the soccer team because all he would do is roundhouse kick the ball.

It is believed that Chuck Norris' lair is located somewhere in the Antartic and is called "The Fortress of Bearditude".

Chuck Norris is actually a robot sent from the future to kill John Connor.

The Greeks only put one man in the legendary Trojan Horse. You know who he was... and he knows you know.

Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.

Just to clarify, I'm not coming up with these :blink:

Edited by Brandonb
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Posted · Report post

haha! that is funny!!!!

heres another one!

chuck norris counted to infinity...

twice!

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here are some Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. :o

Kids can pee their names into snow, Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete. :P

Chuck Norris can drown a fish. :wacko:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for good looks and super roundhouse kicking ability. Right after the transaction, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil and took his soul back. The Devil appreciating irony laughed and said "I should have seen that coming." They now play poker every other Wednesday. :lol:

Not all the people Chuck Norris meet get killed, some get away. These people are called astronauts. B))

He is right you guys aught to be ashamed of your self you broke the 2nd rule of Chuck Norris! They are FACTS ont jokes!!! :angry:

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Correct, these are indeed Facts. They are also obvious and can be deduced by anyone. Here is how:

1. Get it into your head that Chuck Norris jokes are not jokes, but FACTS. If you cannot do this, then there is no point in continuing. Chuck's beard would kill you if you were worth it's time, so just lay low and never mention Chuck Norris again unless in prayer and sacrifice. He may go a little easy when he kills you if you do.

2. Now that you have grasped the seriousness, it is time to begin, Chuck style: Roundhouse kicking scientific theories and axioms in the @sses. First, learn about Chuck Norris and his toughness. Also, the fear he instills into his believers and non believers alike. Everyone believes in Chuck Norris. Everyone living that is. Therefore you must believe so here is a warning: You do NOT want to make a humiliating joke about him, not only will it be the last thing you ever do, he will kill you and then summon you to live as his minion (which would normally be an honor), but in this case he will only bury you in sand up to your neck in the middle of the Sahara. And he'll only check up on you when he flies around the world doing his weekly international food shopping. It will be when you are as close to death as possible. He will then taunt you with his beard, roundhouse kick the last bit of life out of you and repeat the process eternally.

3. Next, think of something that requires force, fortitude, energy, intelligence or speed to do. Then forget all those concepts, since Chuck has infinite level attributes. Once you grasp this you will study that his ability is actually beyond infinite and is simply known as "Chuck Norris Ability", but even Chuck Norris can pass this level, which you will learn about in the Advanced Chuck Norris Theory class (that class was a bear...literally)

4. Now think of a way Chuck could accomplish anything in the same nanosecond it occurred to you to ask him to do it. Such as "arrest every criminal in Texas". Then think of how he would do it. As merciless and bad@a** as possible. Chuck Norris' Law is like Chuck Norris' Love: Hard and Fast

5. Then think about which attribute he would most likely use for that instance and imagine the highest level technique for that attribute. Chuck would surpass that technique by at least 3 levels and do it faster than you could see anyway.

6. If you have followed these steps and realized a Chuck Norris Fact, then well done. The only problem is it took you 23.6 seconds longer than Chuck has deemed acceptable. You should be hearing the sound of jets overhead right now. Then Teradactyls flying and screaming overhead. And now you should hear Supeman fly by. They were all running from Chuck. Now you should hear the Grim Reaper ask for coins to pass the River Styx. Don't worry though, Chuck will summon you if he gets in the mood to have a 1 on 100 barbed wire fire cage match - but that's usually his Tuesday event so you should relax in the firey underworld while you can :D

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