Chuck Norris Jokes

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Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

where do u get these? :o

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Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES R AMAZING!!!!! These r my favs...especially the "finger" one...one second to live ;):lol: :lol:

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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 55 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him what his favorite Chuck Norris fact was. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man spontaneously combusted.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal, rather Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get out while he could still walk.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast. He doesn't chew them at all.

Chuck Norris' hair is so strong that he is the only one who can give him a haircut.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth infinite words.

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

Chuck Norris walked into Mr. T's favorite bar while he was there. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes. He stares down the pins until they explode. He always scores 300.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He almost blinked.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he didn't want to make a documentary.

Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing!

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Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed

Chuck Norris does not retaliate if his opponent strikes him first (not that this would ever happen).

Chuck Norris just turns his head and offers the other cheek, thereby decapitating the opponent with his beard.

Chuck Norris knows only one language, and he doesn't need to learn any others no matter what country he is in, because "roundhouse" is universally understood.

Chuck Norris once ate three Viagra and walked across Times Square naked.... there were no survivors.

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Chuck Norris once ate three Viagra and walked across Times Square naked.... there were no survivors.

uh...viagra is that stuff that gives u a...u know ;) I don't exactly git this... :D:huh:

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uh...viagra is that stuff that gives u a...u know ;) I don't exactly git this... :D:huh:

ummm.....his "strong" schlong killed everyone.

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Chuck Norris is a paradox because he is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object

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someone tried to carve Chuck Norris into Mount Rushmore, but the rock wasn't hard enough for his beard.

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Chuck Norris starts his day like every regular guy: by unshackling his ankle bracelets and descending 40 feet to the floor below. Fully naked, Chuck then flosses his teeth with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive four-flush dump, and wipes his butt with intercepted letters to Santa Claus. He jumps into his clothes and kicks his way through walls until he reaches the kitchen.

After breakfast, Chuck wills his mail from his mailbox to his hand and uses the Spear of Destiny as a letter opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they're even written.

After reading five thousand fan letters while standing on hot coals he then showers in fire. Before work he does 1,000 pushups with his chin fist and eats a canister of nerve gas. Much of his afternoon is then taken up by filming Walker Texas Ranger and various roundhouse heavy films. He then hunts a random human for sport and has been known to kill jackals who try to steal some of his kill.

Chuck's life after sunset remains a mystery, though there have been several leaks of information involving bears, helicopters, the Bermuda Triangle, cowboy hats, mythical demons, and every woman in the world. Though none have been confirmed, all these assumptions are believed to be true.

The only thing actually known about his nights is that before he sleeps, Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get stronger.

Edited by itachi-san
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Chuck Norris starts his day like every regular guy: by unshackling his ankle bracelets and descending 40 feet to the floor below. Fully naked, Chuck then flosses his teeth with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive four-flush dump, and wipes his butt with intercepted letters to Santa Claus. He jumps into his clothes and kicks his way through walls until he reaches the kitchen.

After breakfast, Chuck wills his mail from his mailbox to his hand and uses the Spear of Destiny as a letter opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they're even written.

After reading five thousand fan letters while standing on hot coals he then showers in fire. Before work he does 1,000 pushups with his chin fist and eats a canister of nerve gas. Much of his afternoon is then taken up by filming Walker Texas Ranger and various roundhouse heavy films. He then hunts a random human for sport and has been known to kill jackals who try to steal some of his kill.

Chuck's life after sunset remains a mystery, though there have been several leaks of information involving bears, helicopters, the Bermuda Triangle, cowboy hats, mythical demons, and every woman in the world. Though none have been confirmed, all these assumptions are believed to be true.

The only thing actually known about his nights is that before he sleeps, Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get stronger.

how do u come up/find with this stuff? ;) ur soo funny...look at all those posts...wow!!! :lol::D

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Chuck Norris is a paradox because he is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object

Nice. B))

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Chuck Norris ....takes a massive four-flush dump.....
only 4 flushes.....the wimp :P
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Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish...in water

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he absorbs the dark.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Wheaties are on the Chuck Norris Box

Drugs gets high off of Chuck Norris

In Spain, men flee for their lives in the "Running of the Bulls". Afterwards, the bulls flee for their lives in the "Running of Chuck Norris".

If you are what you eat, Chuck Norris is dynamite.

The police pullover for Chuck Norris to pass.

Lighting never strikes in the same spot twice because it fears Chuck Norris will find it

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond!

Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris swam through a mountain

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

Alarm clocks are too scared to wake up Chuck Norris

When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris!

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Hey everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but carlosn27 will no longer be with us. His last post...

only 4 flushes.....the wimp :P

...Was read by Chuck Norris. And last night, well, to put it delicately.... carlosn27 was the reason that Chuck Norris flushed 7 times this morning.

:P

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how do u come up/find with this stuff? ;) ur soo funny...look at all those posts...wow!!! :lol::D

??? I hate to break it to you but Itachi didn't come up with those Chuck Norris jokes... He lives them.

If you decrypt "itachi-san" using the Keyword "roundhouse" you get Chuck Norris. (at least in BrainDen :P )

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??? I hate to break it to you but Itachi didn't come up with those Chuck Norris jokes... He lives them.

If you decrypt "itachi-san" using the Keyword "roundhouse" you get Chuck Norris. (at least in BrainDen :P )

nice :lol:;)

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Hey everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but carlosn27 will no longer be with us. His last post...

...Was read by Chuck Norris. And last night, well, to put it delicately.... carlosn27 was the reason that Chuck Norris flushed 7 times this morning.

:P

ur 2 funny... B)):lol:

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There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

chuck norris cant get cold! :o

the first false chuck norris fact i have ever heard :o

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chuck norris cant get cold! :o

the first false chuck norris fact i have ever heard :o

Wrong, Chuck Norris gets whatever he wants ;)

When Chuck Norris is faced with the Liar and the Truth-teller, he just stares them down and they both tell the truth

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only human that could fly

Chuck Norris does not sleep with a gun under his pillows, he sleeps with a pillow under his guns

Chuck Norris separated South and North Dakota, then Carolina split out of fear

Chuck Norris is always on top when he has sex because he never screws up!

When Chuck Norris walks anywhere, he stays in the same place. The Earth spins underneath him.

A drunk driver hit Chuck Norris while he was jogging. The driver died on impact, Chuck Norris carried him to the morgue, and then carried the car to a dealer.

Chuck Norris once got into a knife fight and stabbed the knife!

Chuck Norris once made a woman orgasm by looking at her and saying "Boo Yah!"

When Google wants to know something it asks Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris' car runs out of gas he keeps it running on fear and tells it when to stop

Chuck Norris was once hit with an atomic bomb. When the explosion was over only Chuck and a cockroach remained. But something felt amiss, so Chuck stepped on the bug

Chuck Norris came before the egg

In the movie Jurassic Park do you remember the part where the T-Rex was chasing the Jeep? Well, it was really Chuck Norris chasing the T-Rex AND the Jeep

Chuck Norris is the only Texas Ranger who doesn't make arrests, he just gets confirmed kills

Chuck Norris can breath Carbon Dioxide

Chuck Norris created himself to his image

Chuck Norris has 42 chromosomes.................... all poisonous

If you put on a movie with Chuck Norris in it, you aren't watching Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is watching YOU!

Chuck Norris has never won an award for acting. Because he isn't acting.

When Chuck Norris plays Craps in Vegas, he always rolls a seven...with only one die.

Why would anyone say "Chuck Norris is a Bad @ss!"? That is redundant. You might as well just say "Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris!"

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

If you bite Chuck Norris he doesn't get teeth marks, your teeth get Chuck Norris marks

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris can liquefy your kidneys

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wow... :lol: :lol:

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Chuck Norris can cut a knife with a watermelon.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

When Chuck Norris sneezes, he doesn't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!" because that's what happens next. :lol:

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg and can beat you without using them.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma at an extremely volatile pressure.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

In Texas, the code word for "death penalty" is "bed time story with Chuck"

When Chuck Norris sees a fire, he doesn't put it out... he makes love to it and never calls back.

chuk noris is global warming......... this is Chuck Norris finishing the joke since the bum who began it is now dead for misspelling my name. Not in my Chucktatorship!

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If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris can't do he will come to your house and do them all. Then he roundhouse kicks your stove in half

Chuck Norris took a picture once, it was worth one word...FEAR!

Chuck Norris doesn't go to a bar to pick up chicks, he goes to pick out chicks!

If Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick doesn't kill you, the whirlwind it creates will!

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out in robot mode.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris challenged Stephen Hawkins to a game of tic tac toe and won in two moves

God gave the world light because he was afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.

chuck was watching tv when a Trix commercial came on. So infuriated by this he traveled to the studio and round house kicked every small child he could find and when he was done he said silly kids Trix are for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris WAS a playable character on Street Fighter, but due to a glitch he was taken out. Every button pressed would make Chuck perform a one hit K.O. roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch Chuck Norris simply replied "That is no glitch."

Chuck Norris found the needle in the hay stack!

John Rambo is based on Chuck Norris' childhood... only its censored

I once saw Chuck Norris Eat a Rubics Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris can talk about fight club

Mr T pities the fool, Chuck puts them out of their misery

Chuck Norris was the first to prove that we all look the same on the inside.

Chuck Norris lives in a round house

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Always. It doesn't matter how fast you turn your head to see him.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Viruses have to let Chuck Norris run his course.

The only man to get inside a Black Hole and come back was Chuck Norris, and that's because he's the one who punched it into existence

Walker Texas Ranger was an attempt by Chuck Norris to show his gentle side

Chuck Norris calls a 'no holds barred', any weapon, to the death, 20 ninja street brawl... a lazy Tuesday afternoon

Chuck Norris can crack a walnut with his eyelids.

When Chuck Norris goes home to relax he doesn't sit on the couch, the couch slides under him and reclines.

Chuck Norris is so tough his poop scares flies away

When Chuck Norris came out of the womb, he declared himself his own Guardian.

Chuck Norris once stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate, it exploded violently

Chuck Norris once punched a hurricane in the eye.

Chuck Norris can do 100 chin-ups...with his chin.

When Jesus turned water into wine, Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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The earth actually got 1 wonder thats is chuck norris.

He built the 7 wonders of the earth.

Pluto in the galaxy system is acutally a planet as chuck norris threw a tissue paper and the pluto is gone...( as the scentist discover that recently)

The earth does not turn at the begining. when chuck norris walk the earth turn.

chuck norris create the superheros.

chuck norris force superman to wear red underwear outside to remind him that chuck norris is the strongest man.

chuck norris once throw hulk up in the sky so high that hulk so scare that the skin colour still remain green.

chuck norris once kick a iron can to a man that the iron still stuck on the man body. thats why iron man was create.

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the earth in the begining is only 1 big continent but when chuck norris hop the Continent splits into 7 Continents that give you the asia, north and south america and so on...

when chuck norris drink slurpee, his brain wont freeze. the slurpee freeze.

chuck noriris like the colour blue thats why god make the sky blue.

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