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1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

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Well done :)

Read some of those and they made me think of stories from my childhood. Like the time I was taking a bath and asked for some bath toys, and my dad came in, plugged in the hair dryer and told me to play with that. Just two weeks later, I got kidnapped, and the kidnappers cut off a piece of my pinky to send to my parents for identification that they had me. They called the kidnappers back and asked for more proof!

(ok, some Dangerfield rips there, but they never get old :) )

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Hey largeneal! I like ur new picture. It's really cute, although you might need to shave. :lol:

It always seems to amaze me where you come up with all this material. :D

Oh, congrats on becoming a senior member!...and me still and junior member. *sigh* <_<

Gotsta bounce, yo. B))

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george carlin on religion:

"but the all time king of false promises and shoddy deals is religion. religion has actually convinced people: that there's an invisible man, living in the sky, watching everything you do every moment of every day. and the invisible man has list of 10 things he doesn't want you to do. and if you do any of these things, he has a special place of fire and torture, where he will sent you to burn and scream untill the end of time. but he loves you! he loves you and he needs money. he's all powerful all wise all knowing but just can't handle money. churches take in billions, they pay no taxes and they always need more. now you talk about a good ******** story? holy ****!"

george carlin on saving the planet:

"save the bees, save the trees, save the whales, save some snails. but listen people, we can barely look after ourselves! 25 species a year go extinct, and that's regardless of anything we do."

"when we came to this country and settled it, well stole it form the indians, it was pristine. a real paradise, an eden. we turned it into a giant shopping mall. thats basically it. buy this, buy that, i want this i need that, the only american value left, buying things."

"whenever a natural disaster happens, i celebrate. mother nature is fighting back. now matter how much we build and destroy of our environment, we can't control the planet itelf. whenever a flood or a hurricane or an earthquake hits, i pray it gets worse."

he has much more great material.

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