Blonde Jokes

[akaslickster]

Who could forget the famous blonde jokes. No offense meant to anyone. Just for kicks.

I will start:

During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:

"Hellllooooooo! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

[akaslickster]

Passed Away

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take

the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[akaslickster]

Best blonde joke you'll ever read!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly...

'com-for-da-bul.'

[MissKitten]

Typical Slick. Wasn't there a mega-huga one Peace had?

[TheCube]

There were two room mates watching the news about a kid attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. One of the roommates was a blonde, the other a brunette.

The blonde one said, "I bet you 50 dollars that the kid won't jump." But sure enough the kid did jump off.

The blonde was about to reach into her wallet when her roommate stopped her saying, "You don't have to give me 50 dollars."

"But you won it fair and square." said the blonde.

"To be honest, I saw it on the earlier news." says the brunette.

The blonde responded saying, "I did too, but I wouldn't have thought he would jump again."

[akaslickster]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work

on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ' Why are you Throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one..

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad

Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the

Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started

Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little

Harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first

Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the

Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &

came across a shiny silver Thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took

It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....

It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.

'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things

Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied.....

'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Edited July 26, 2012 by akaslickster

[bonanova]

So this brunette walks into the Doctor's office and says, Doc, something is terribly wrong -- I hurt everywhere!

What do you mean? the Doctor asks.

Well I hurt here, she said as she touched her head, and here, touching her knee, and here, touching her shoulder, and here, touching her stomach, and here, touching her elbow, and ....

OK I understand, said the Doctor. I'm scheduling you for a comprehensive set of tests immediately.

Two hour pass, the results are in, and the woman is back in the Doctor's office.

The Doctor approaches her and asks, You're not really brunette, are you?

No, she admits, I'm blonde. How did you know?

You have a broken finger.

[phil1882]

this one is pretty cute!

Blonde v.s. Lawyer

a lawyer sitting on a plane next to a Blonde want to pass some time and turns to her and says, "how about a trivia game, if i ask you a question and you get it right I'll pay you 10 dollars, and if you get it wrong you pay me 1 dollar. then you ask me a question, with the same conditions." blonde says, "no thanks, I'm reading a book." the lawyer says, "okay how about this, 20 dollars for getting right for you, and 20 dollars for getting wrong for me." the blonde rolls her eyes and says fine. the lawyer asks, "whats the distance from the earth to the sun?" the blonde hands him a dollar. then the blonde asks him, "what goes uphill with 3 legs and down hill with 4?" the lawyer blinks for a second and says " i have no idea, i guess you win that round." then hands her 20. "okay my turn again, i am curious, what does go up hill with three legs and down hill with 4?" the blonde hands him another dollar.

[peace*out]

Typical Slick. Wasn't there a mega-huga one Peace had?

oh wow. its a combination of the blonde the brunette and the redhead going to the warehouse...

Punchline:

ready, aim, fire

...the blonde, the brunette and the redhead going up a set of stairs while god told them a joke...

i just got the first joke!

...and the blonde brunette and the redhead eating 100 of their favorite fruit

"watermelons"

...ill attempt to write it out later

[tiger_lily111]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[phaze]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

The punchline is that there are only 2 blonde girls and the blind guy sitting around a circular bar

The 6 foot, black-belt bartender to the left of the blind guy

The bouncer/professional weightlifter and wrestler to the left of the first but to the right of the blind guy

[smuckers12]

Three women die in a car crash and end up at the gates of heaven, there are one-hundred stairs leading to the gates and they are at the bottom. One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde. They see St. Peter and he says to them, "To get into heaven you have to climb all one-hundred of these stairs without laughing and on step is a joke. The brunette starts climbing and seeing the first joke starts laughing uncontrollably the same happens with the redhead When it was the blondes turn, she was able to get all the way to the 99th step and then starts laughing hysterically St peter says to her, "you were so close to the top, why couldn't you make it." the blonde replied "I finally got the first joke."

[akaslickster]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD !!.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again , until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

Edited March 28, 2013 by akaslickster

[Poul]

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender?
Because she wanted to make apple juice.

[Poul]

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

[Poul]

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

[akaslickster]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her, “Did you like the game?” She replied, “Oh, I really liked it. I really liked the big muscles and the tight pants. I’m not sure, though about why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend said, “I don’t know what you mean?” She said, “Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and one team got it. The rest of the game, they kept yelling, “Get the quarter back, get the quarterback…..I’m like….hey, it’s ONLY a quarter.”

Outside of USA folks. Quarter = 1/4 of US dollar coin.

Edited September 15, 2013 by akaslickster

[Kikacat123]

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two-- one to get the phone book and the other to call the electrician.

[flamebirde]

Q: why are blonde jokes so short?

A: so brunettes can remember them.

[OmegaScales]

A smart blonde, an honest lawyer, and Santa are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the ground. Who got it?

The blonde, the other two don't exist.

What is blonde, really smart, and likes octopi?

A Japanese girl with dyed hair.

Why did the blonde keep crossing the road?

Because she couldn't get to "the other side".

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Tell her to sit in the corner of the oval office.

How does a blonde confuse you?

She tells you she did it.

[flamebirde]

What is blonde, really smart, and likes octopi?

A Japanese girl with dyed hair.

It's "octopuses". Read The Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card. Also, the xkcd entry on mimic octopuses (Don't forget to mouse over the comic).

[OmegaScales]

Sometimes languages are just too complicated, you know?

[flamebirde]

Yeah, I know.

[kevin83]

A young blond went on vacation to Louisiana. She wanted to buy a pair of nice alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high price in the shop.

After haggeling with the shopkeeper lead to no success, she snorted: "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get my pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

When the shopkeeper was driving home, he saw the blond standing waist-deep in the water waiting for alligators, with a shotgun in her hand. Suddenly an alligator approached her, and she killed it with only one shot. With great effort she carried the dead alligator out of the water. Several other dead alligators were lying nearby. The shopkeeper was amazed. The blond flipped the alligator on its back and cursed: "Damn it, this one isn't wearing shoes either!"

Source: http://suchjoke.com/joke/blond-and-the-alligator-shoes

[Agat90]

A blonde walks in Bernie’s, and asks to buy a t.v. The owner says,” I don’t sell them to blondes. She left, but in a week the blonde dies her hair brown and asks to buy a t.v, the owner says, ” I thought I told you, I don’t sell t.v.’s to blondes. A month later, she dies her hair black and gets plastic surgery. Then goes to Bernies and asks to buy a t.v. He says i don’t sell them to blondes, remember. The blonde says, how did you know it was me, and the owner says, your t.v. is a really toaster.