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  1. 7 points
    A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician. "You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!" "What is your secret?" the mathematician asked. "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine." "But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested. "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"
  2. 7 points
    Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
  3. 5 points
    eq ( 1 ) Study = not failed eq. ( 2 ) not study = failed add eq ( 1 ) & ( 2 ) study + not study = fail + not fail study ( 1 + not ) = fail ( 1 + not ) study = fail Then why should we study??
  4. 5 points
    Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
  5. 5 points
    ... he learned the race isn't a potato sack race
  6. 4 points
    In an insane asylum, three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?" "274," he replies. The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man proudly. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
  7. 4 points
    I think someone has an issue with me. I have been working hard to keep the forum questions alive but someone or maybe several people have gone through and have marked down every entry i have posted. This upsets me and makes me not want to continue participating here.
  8. 4 points
    If I only knew that I'd end up with cronic heart palpitations and a compressed spine from sitting hunched over a computer all the time, I would never have started down this slippery slope called "mafia".
  9. 4 points
    Though i am immortal, but the page no. 140 of my dictionary is, where i met death.
  10. 4 points
    rookie for BD, LiD for smileys, Y-san for enigmas, PG for donuts, plasmid for letting us know who he's not, slick for rollin', & fabby for ... well, being fabulous, obviously.
  11. 4 points
    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
  12. 4 points
    If you leave the rocks at the door, then I'll throw them back at you. Who gives people rocks on Valentine's day? I don't even know you.
  13. 4 points
    Haha, my friend, that's not the way we do things here in the forums. We sit, we thing, we gripe, we scream, we pull our hair, stomp our feet, shout out expletives, sigh resignedly, spin in our chairs, tap our pen against our head, give up, leave, get drawn back, sit down, and still can't figure it out. But no freebie answers. Even if we have no freakin' idea what we're doing.
  14. 4 points
    Found the ultimate mate in 9 moves.
  15. 4 points
    No one expects the unexpected. To do so would be an impossible task unless "The Unexpected" posted their Tour Schedule.
  16. 4 points
    When all else fails, if then is not necessarily correct.
  17. 4 points
    When Al Else fails, call his sister Alice Else. (Should've called her in the first place!)
  18. 4 points
    this one is pretty cute! Blonde v.s. Lawyer a lawyer sitting on a plane next to a Blonde want to pass some time and turns to her and says, "how about a trivia game, if i ask you a question and you get it right I'll pay you 10 dollars, and if you get it wrong you pay me 1 dollar. then you ask me a question, with the same conditions." blonde says, "no thanks, I'm reading a book." the lawyer says, "okay how about this, 20 dollars for getting right for you, and 20 dollars for getting wrong for me." the blonde rolls her eyes and says fine. the lawyer asks, "whats the distance from the earth to the sun?" the blonde hands him a dollar. then the blonde asks him, "what goes uphill with 3 legs and down hill with 4?" the lawyer blinks for a second and says " i have no idea, i guess you win that round." then hands her 20. "okay my turn again, i am curious, what does go up hill with three legs and down hill with 4?" the blonde hands him another dollar.
  19. 4 points
    ...then you will go through a lot of crap trying to chase after them.
  20. 3 points
    Fair enough. Honestly, though, from the admittedly little I've read, I feel kinda sorry for her. I had an awkward childhood, being a geek, introvert, one of those creative ppl who are hyper-sensitive (supposedly it's why so many, like, famous artists, poets, composers, and whatnot go insane), and, like, only Asian person at my school. I didn't develop very good social skills, well, any social skills at all, really, until I went to a college where the majority of the population was actually more socially awkward than me! . Later, I met a girl who had the same issues as I did when I was younger and I felt really bad for her, I wished I had helped her more, but I think I was afraid...maybe of exposing myself to my memories of hard times . I dunno...I think my biggest regrets in life are when I feel like I could have helped ppl but I chose not to...:/ Anyways, I wish the best for this Sakura Chan and hope she'll eventually find her way like I did, I would like to thank you for sharing your perspective, and I hope ppl here treat and are treated with the respect and kindness they deserve .
  21. 3 points
  22. 3 points
    It swung once. Then twice. then the cantaloupe being launched from the catapult was going, going, gone, speared perfectly by the flag on top of the White House.
  23. 3 points
    We changed the description of the role at the last minute (same abilities, but we made it clearer). No other reason. I like that explanation better than the one I would have given which was "Oops, I made a mistake". Anyway, if you thought maybe mock trial was a secret indy, no he is the real goodie, all the dark blue ones are the secret indies. (joking, definitely joking. There is no secret anything.)
  24. 3 points
    Theorem: All numbers are boring. Proof (by contradiction): Suppose x is the first non-boring number. Who cares?
  25. 3 points
    $1 = 100 cents = (10 cents)2 = ($0.1)2 = $0.01 = 1c
  26. 3 points
    A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person. - They have multiplied, said the biologist. - Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed. - If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.
  27. 3 points
    You can get into politics if you act like you're smart. You can't stay in politics, however, if you're actually smart. You'll be found out & replaced.
  28. 3 points
    You know you're a grammar Nazi when you look at the latest post in One Up Me by flamebirde and you smile because he used "you're" instead of "your."
  29. 3 points
    When you post on an old thread, it's like rediscovering the Library of Alexandria- It was ridiculously hard to find, no one's around and you wonder if you can resurrect its previous glory.
  30. 3 points
    if it appears to be over, it's not unless you heard the fat lady sing.
  31. 3 points
    Even if it appears to be over, stay to the end of the credits anyway. You can't leave until Ferris tells you to get out.
  32. 3 points
    "Don't worry if it appears to be overloaded, it happens all the time" 4 a.m Wednesday, March 28, 1979 3 Mile Island
  33. 3 points
    I have enjoyed this problem. It looks like something original in the old family of weighting problems. The solution I found seems to be the only solution. I am curious as to how this problem was constructed.
  34. 3 points
    when life gives you nothing... you are the 99% (or the 47%, whatever the "hip" percentage is these days).
  35. 3 points
    A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Two Blondes With Hammers...Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ' Why are you Throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ You might have to think twice about this one.. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little Harder, & still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ These are just too cute not to pass on!!!! A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied.. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
  36. 2 points
    who can conquer the world with aching calves?
  37. 2 points
  38. 2 points
    At first MiKi was going, going, gone. Now she's coming, coming, back. ((Basically just spreading the news of my return to the soul-sucking websites that are BD and MM ))
  39. 2 points
    if a kill is not blocking, neither the save nor the kill need be in the oop. But if a kill is blocking, they should both be in the oop. Anyways, you handled the game like a pro, good job.
  40. 2 points
    Sing a lullaby to the cougar... "Soft Kitty" would probably work
  41. 2 points
    Assuming the world exists, I should probably actually do my taxes.
  42. 2 points
    Professor bonanova peeks in, wondering if there is a clue yet. He certainly has none ...
  43. 2 points
    I am pretty sure it is not to attempt to provoke a heated pseudo-religious argument by asking loaded questions Edit: in which case the best answer to said question is as stated by marksmanjay, "42"
  44. 2 points
  45. 2 points
  46. 2 points
    A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
  47. 2 points
    ...the bag burst revealing the doctored votes.
  48. 2 points
    ... then wishes are horses.
  49. 2 points
    When life hands you kittens, you sneeze. Stupid allergies
  50. 2 points
    Pandas would never run in the first place.
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