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Chuck Norris Jokes


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224 replies to this topic

#51 sandmanchua

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Posted 20 June 2008 - 10:58 AM

chuck norris like his food to be hot and spicy, he always add a few drop of magma to spice up his food.
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#52 sandmanchua

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Posted 20 June 2008 - 11:06 AM

when king kong climbs up the building not because he want to be top of the world because chuck norris happens to be nearby.

chuck norris once eat an apple and spit out the fruit and it turns to Imac.


chuck norris once use a ice cream cone and put it on a horse head thats why unicorn was born.

Zebras was actually whole black. as they see chuck norris the zebra scare the whites strips come out.
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#53 sandmanchua

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Posted 20 June 2008 - 11:12 AM

once the south park inivted chuck norris as a special appearance, who killed kenny.
The cartoon series ended......

chuck norris the one who discover that the china is really the other side of the earth as he dig through the earth.
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#54 4wheelchick

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Posted 20 June 2008 - 03:22 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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#55 dkloz

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Posted 23 June 2008 - 06:44 PM

This is one i came up with, summer time u see

"Chuck Norris once beat a fish in a who-can-last-longer underwater contest....The fish died of old age"
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#56 Frost

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Posted 23 June 2008 - 07:22 PM

Nice. :lol:
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#57 Brandonb

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Posted 25 June 2008 - 02:01 AM

A computer company once invented a Chuck Norris operative system. Unfortunately it was a failure, since it ONLY obeyed orders that involved killing, drinking, or women.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.

Duke Nukem Forever was delayed so many years because of Chuck Norris. He actually was chose to model for Duke Nukem, but on the credit screen, his name was cut in 2 (Chuck Nor-ris), so he cut in two all the Dev Team. And the strippers. Twice.

Chuck Norris can complete the New York Times crossword puzzle with a permanent marker.

Chuck Norris always gets a second helping of peanuts on an airplane. Always.

Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his a**. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin once a year.

The Trail of Tears is actually just a nickname for the sidewalk from Chuck Norris's front door to the street down which many disappointed yet lucky women have trodden the morning after a one night stand. And Brokeback Mountain is actually the name for the burial site of all the women Chuck Norris has had sex with that weren't so lucky.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he craps out masterpieces.

Terrorists recently attempted to hijack Chuck Norris' private plane. This resulted in the world record for farthest distance a cowboy boot has been stuck up someone's butt.

When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, "I sometimes love too much." He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.

Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.

Chuck Norris can beat the Harlem Globetrotters.

Everytime Chuck Norris sneezes, an angel gets its wings, and a category 5 hurricane is born.

Literally translated from the ancient tongue of Atlantis the name Chuck Norris means "Little sissy". Sadly, Atlantis is no more.

Chuck Norris built the pyramids as a child in a foolish attempt to reach the moon.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

The Greek pronunciation of Chuck Norris is Zeus.

Chuck Norris was originally to be cast as the protagonist in Terminator. He denied, since he has already stopped a time war between machines and mankind. Twice.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris invented the pencil by compressing a lead pipe with his bare hands

A good way to tell if you are about to be attacked by Chuck Norris is to notice the music becoming more intense. You might also see ninjas scoping you out from behind trees and on roofs. Death is certain at this point.

Chuck Norris was told by Dr. Phil once that he had anger management issues. Chuck Norris then proceded to uppercut Dr. Phil in the nards.

The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

Chuck Norris can tame lions by nestling them with his beard.

Once, when Chuck Norris had a fever, a man told him the only cure was more cowbell. Chuck Norris was so enraged that he flicked the man in the testicles, causing him to vomit uncontrollably for 16 days straight.

When Medusa looked at Chuck Norris, he looked back at her right in the eye. Chuck Norris walked away, Medusa wasn't so lucky.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

After taking a cue from George Foreman, Chuck Norris will develop his own grill that actually bullies and roundkicks the food into getting more brown.

Captain Planet doesn't enjoy having a mullet, it's just that Chuck Norris has threatened to kill him should he ever try to change his hair style.

Chuck Norris made guns so people would have a fighting chance.

To be stuck between Chuck Norris and hard place makes the hard place pretty damn appealing.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too.

Chuck Norris was the Fifth Ninja Turtle, but he was kicked out when he refused to wear a protective shell and continued to maintain that "Roundhouse Kick" was the only weapon he needed.

Chuck Norris throws stones, even though he lives in a glass house.

Chuck Norris received a perfect score on his SAT's by making his answer bubbles repeatedly spell CHUCK NORRIS... despite the fact that H-U-K-N-O-R-I-S are not choices.

Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds.

Chuck Norris pees standing up, unlike Steven Segal.

Chuck Norris gave the Trix Rabbit a bowl of Trix. Then he roundhouse kicked the group of kids for not sharing.

Chuck Norris won a game of "Simon Says" against Simon.

The reason Sylvester Stallone can't speak English anymore is because he once told Chuck Norris he wished he could be like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not approve of copycats.

The sun is 93 million miles away from the Earth, and it takes light 9 minutes to get here. It takes light 10 minutes to reach Chuck Norris, because it has to ask permission before illuminating him.

Some call him the space cowboy, some have called him the gangster of love. Some have even called him Charles once or twice. Well, once.

As a baby, Chuck Norris could fit the square pegs in the circular holes.

Chuck Norris once quit smoking by roundhouse kicking a tabacco company CEO in the head, simultaneously inventing the phrase "kick the habit".

Chuck Norris amazed scientists by breaking a diamond with a roundhouse kick. The amazement only lasted one second because awesomeness of the roundhouse kick caused the scientists to crap out their brains.

Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.

The series of "Rocky" movies actually are based on Chuck Norris' second grade experience.
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#58 carlosn27

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Posted 25 June 2008 - 03:15 PM

Hey everyone, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but carlosn27 will no longer be with us. His last post...
only 4 flushes....the wimp. ;)
...Was read by Chuck Norris. And last night, well, to put it delicately.... carlosn27 was the reason that Chuck Norris flushed 7 times this morning. :P

out of pity for this forum, after pooping me out, chuck norris was kind enough to roundhouse kick me back to life and now I'm back. :D
the only difference is, that I have now seen the wisdom of the chuckster from the inside, so I know for a fact that he isnt made of hot magma inside. i cannot tell you what I have seen, or chucky will kick me back inside him.

Edited by carlosn27, 25 June 2008 - 03:20 PM.

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#59 Brandonb

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Posted 25 June 2008 - 05:17 PM

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

NASA hired Chuck Norris in order to save money. Because Chuck Round House kicks astronauts into outerspace, and then later when they fall back down they can land safely in his chest hair.

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a bada** hood ornament for his monster truck.

Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and punch at the same time.

The phrase "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" was brought about by Chuck Norris, due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.

Light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris.

The only reason Chuck Norris passed kindergarten was because he was banging the teacher.

CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.

Chuck Norris specializes in building working nuclear reactors out of wood.

Normal children went to a party and played Pin the Tail on the Donkey. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he played Pin the Tail on the Saber tooth Tiger... except he used a real saber tooth tiger.

The Earth spins because Chuck Norris uses it as a treadmill.

Aviator sunglasses were invented to shield the sun from Chuck Norris' eyes.

Jimi Hendrix didn't actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.

When Chuck Norris takes a dump, the resulting material is what all economies are based on and wars are fought for.

Chuck Norris single handedly ended World War II with two Roundhouse Kicks. You might know them as Atomic Bombs.

Adam wasn't actually the first man on Earth. Chuck Norris was. He then asked God for someone to practice roundhouse kicks on.

Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.

Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.

Chuck Norris was once told that his show "Walker Texas Ranger" was for rednecks. He simply looked at the man stroked his beard and the man's children have been born with mullets ever since.

Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there's drinking, there's fighting, where there's fighting, there's kicking, and where there's kicking, there's Chuck.

Chuck Norris once shucked 4872 ears of corn in 14 minutes using his beard. Incidentally, the words "shuck corn" can be found in the name of Chuck Norris.

The Nile flows north because Chuck Norris told it to.

Chuck Norris is the reason why you touch yourself at night.

In Texas, it is illegal for Chuck Norris to wear gloves. Something about concealing a deadly weapon...

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris. The 5th is on the FBI's Missing Person's List.

The way Chuck Norris talks to women is not defined as "spitting game", but rather, "verbal roofies".

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a**, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.

If it's "a penny for your thoughts" and everyone is "putting in their two cents", who gets the extra penny? Chuck Norris, of course.

The original concept for the show "Survivor" was to put three contestants in a room with Chuck Norris and the last one living won the prize. When they began filming, Chuck Norris killed all three contestants with one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.

Chuck Norris always has the right of way.

A girl once broke Chuck Norris's heart. In return, he broke her neck.

If you want to send Chuck Norris a letter, just write "Chuck Norris" on the envelope and drop it in any mailbox. Don't worry; he'll get it.

Chuck Norris has flown tons of food and medical supplies into New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Chuck Norris has never piloted an aircraft.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.

Chuck Norris can end any sentence with a preposition.

Chuck Norris is the real Slim Shady

Edited by Brandonb, 25 June 2008 - 05:18 PM.

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#60 Frost

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Posted 25 June 2008 - 06:08 PM

Chuck Norris is both matter and antimatter at the same time.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a star and it became a black hole. Then he walked through the black hole to the other side.

Chuck Norris knows why the chicken crossed the road.
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