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Chuck Norris Jokes


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224 replies to this topic

#21 4wheelchick

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Posted 01 June 2008 - 12:11 AM

Yeah, it's now one of the biggest straits in the world ;)

:huh: "Lesbos"?...means women who like each other? uh... :huh:
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#22 Lost in space

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Posted 01 June 2008 - 12:03 PM

:huh: "Lesbos"?...means women who like each other? uh... :huh:

It's a Greek Island in the Aegean sea, if you are born there you are a lesbian (men as well) - the poet Sappho was born there she wrote a vast amount of poetry and quite a bit out infatuation of other woman and general homo-erotica. Songs were written about her - Lesbian came to a different use due to this. She may have been bisexual, her works are considered to be somewhat personal. She may have been an early feminist.
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#23 4wheelchick

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 12:53 AM

It's a Greek Island in the Aegean sea, if you are born there you are a lesbian (men as well) - the poet Sappho was born there she wrote a vast amount of poetry and quite a bit out infatuation of other woman and general homo-erotica. Songs were written about her - Lesbian came to a different use due to this. She may have been bisexual, her works are considered to be somewhat personal. She may have been an early feminist.

:huh: ....ohh!! I git it :lol: ;)
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#24 Sky

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 04:18 AM

When God said, "Let there be Light." Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

If by some miracle of nature two parallel universes were to join, and Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris, they would both win.

Everyone knows the magic word is "Please." As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
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#25 itachi-san

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 06:20 AM

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
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#26 pieman

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 04:20 PM

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you die.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.


where do u get these? :o
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#27 4wheelchick

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 08:17 PM

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES R AMAZING!!!!! These r my favs...especially the "finger" one...one second to live ;) :lol: :lol:
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#28 itachi-san

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Posted 05 June 2008 - 01:25 AM

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 55 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him what his favorite Chuck Norris fact was. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man spontaneously combusted.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal, rather Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get out while he could still walk.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast. He doesn't chew them at all.

Chuck Norris' hair is so strong that he is the only one who can give him a haircut.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth infinite words.

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

Chuck Norris walked into Mr. T's favorite bar while he was there. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes. He stares down the pins until they explode. He always scores 300.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He almost blinked.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he didn't want to make a documentary.

Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing!
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#29 Brandonb

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Posted 07 June 2008 - 06:19 AM

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed

Chuck Norris does not retaliate if his opponent strikes him first (not that this would ever happen).
Chuck Norris just turns his head and offers the other cheek, thereby decapitating the opponent with his beard.

Chuck Norris knows only one language, and he doesn't need to learn any others no matter what country he is in, because "roundhouse" is universally understood.

Chuck Norris once ate three Viagra and walked across Times Square naked.... there were no survivors.
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#30 4wheelchick

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Posted 07 June 2008 - 05:12 PM

Chuck Norris once ate three Viagra and walked across Times Square naked.... there were no survivors.

uh...viagra is that stuff that gives u a...u know ;) I don't exactly git this... :D :huh:
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